This is my third year at Brown. It’s also my third year at Brown without a significant other. I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with me. Could it be that I’m too short, and people just look right over my head? Possibly. Could it be that every time I put on makeup, it’s a big guessing game? Maybe. Most likely, it’s that I don’t have a bubbly personality like most one-dimensional women characters in television and film. So, to develop a bubbly personality, I started eating Lush bath bombs.
First, I had to acquire the bath bombs. I ventured to Lush in Providence Place Mall, one final journey with my completely flat personality. Although incredibly overwhelmed by my bath bomb options, my lack of emotional display acted as an invisibility cloak, blinding me from the Lush employees. I was free to roam, smell, and sneak a few nibbles.
The Halloween bath bombs first caught my eye. Monsters’ Ball, shaped like a cyclops and described as a multicolored mutant with a soft floral scent. Women love flowers! These would be key to my bubbly woman personality. I snagged this bath bomb for my feast.
Next, Shoot for the Stars, a blue and gold bath bomb of orange and bergamot oils. I don’t know what bergamot means, but it sure tasted good when I snuck a bite. A Lush employee approached and said, “ma’am, that is not food, it is a bath bomb,” and I replied, “Do I come into your home and tell you what to do?”
To finish, I selected a few random ones based on their names. Sex Bomb, to hopefully increase my sex appeal in addition to developing that bubbly personality. Rocket Science, because love is as hard as rocket science. Finally, Metamorphosis, a metaphor for my transformation. I left Lush, bath bombs in hand.
Back in my dorm, I began my meal. I laid out each bath bomb on my desk with care. First, a deep inhalation of each to whet my appetite. Next, some small nibbles. Then a giant bite of each, like an apple.
After a few bites, I could feel the bubbles forming in my tummy, my personality transformation underway. I kept eating. The bubbles got stronger. My personality must be bubbly now! Like that Colbie Caillat song! I could feel the bubbles coming up, up, up–!
And then I had to get EMS’d and have my stomach pumped.
I guess you might say the moral of the story is that you should never try to change your personality for other people. But I would say the moral is that bath bombs should be edible.