Mom? Hi? You there?
Yeah. It’s me. I’m fine. Kind of. Yes. I just… I’m in the middle of my first period.
No, it wasn’t that much of a bloody mess. No, not as much as I thought it would be.
So… yeah… it’s difficult to, uh, physically maneuver and, like, find your way about it I guess? Yes, I will be careful about properly inserting something unnatural into a temperamental environment, or whatever. I don’t know why you have to word it like that– No, it’s just, like, very unnecessarily dramatic.
I’m being unnecessarily dramatic? You can hear it in my voice?? What the fuck does that mean, Mom?
I am feeling and acting totally normal right now.
Maybe it’s just hard because everyone else makes it look so easy. There are people who have clearly been dealing with this for years– Yeah, Mom, I know you did it in the 80s– Yes, I know you’ve been waiting for me to experience my first since the day I was born.
Look, I get that it’s a part of life here. It’s something I should probably take advantage of because I can’t prevent it from happening or avoid it at all… Will you stop with all that free spirited hippie nonsense? MOM!!!! I get it. I get that it’s a blessing to be in a place like this. Yeah yeah yeah, it’s a blessing and a curse. I get it. Jesus Christ, Mom.
…Yes, I know, the mom is always right. Yep. I know, Mom. Mothers are always right.
Yes, I have been going out regardless. How often? Um, I’ve been out, like, four of the last five nights. No, I can’t stay in and relax. I don’t care if that’ll help. Besides, at that party last year for all the other kids about to go through it? Yeah, that lady with the incense, she told me that everyone was the most attracted to each other during the period. Yeah, like there was some cosmic magic in the air or something.
Yeah, I mean, I don’t think people are usually, like, having sex right now. No, that would be too much. But everyone’s still going out and, like, hooking up I guess.
I can’t even imagine doing this in the sixties. Especially when technology was so different.
Oh, it wasn’t that different?
Should I be taking more Advil? Oh, wait, so I should avoid coffee? Okay, because everyone else seems to be really, like, drinking a shit ton of coffee. Okay. Got it. One sec, lemme write this down.
No… but if I find one that does list The Red Tent, I’ll let you know.
Okay. Mom? Mom? Yeah, I gotta run. Text me later if you want. Fine, I’ll text you.
Love you, Mom. Thanks.
Mom– Mom– Mom. Stop referring to this as a “fertile” time.
Okay. Sorry. Love you. Yes, I know that you’re proud of me. Okay. Bye.
Author’s note: If you are not familiar with Brown’s infamous shopping period, this will be unfunny as it appears to be a plain old conversation a girl is having with her mother about her first menstrual period. If you would like to learn more about shopping period, and then read this piece again, click here.
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