Rib Beef: Babies vs. Old People

(in collaboration with Nicole Martinez)

A carefree, tinkling giggle. The dampened whinny of a nose being blown into a monogrammed cotton handkerchief. These are the sounds we have unmistakably come to associate with our species’ most adored and fragile demographics: babies and old people.

Is one superior to the other? In cuteness? Average daily contribution to society? Entertainment value? Protein? (Whoop, cannibal joke alert!!)

Today, the two face off, through their designated Rib Writer Representatives*: Nicole, defender of the old and weary, and Kristina, advocate for those with necks not yet strong enough to hold up their own heads.

Who will come out on top? YOU DECIDE:

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Kristina: Ugh Nicole.

Baby at work today.

GARGERBEERGLEEER.

Nicole: Sounds thrilling.

Kristina: Not a fan?

Nicole: Babies have contributed nothing to society Kristina.

All they do is cry and poop.

Kristina: Umm Nicole, that’s pretty much part of their charm.

Their pudgy frickin’ legs also cause my heart to implode with adoration so…

Nicole: Whatever. You know who’s more charming than babies? Old people.

The other day I saw an old person walking down Thayer and I burst into tears because I was worried he was alone and didn’t have any friends 🙁

Kristina:  Strike #1 – old people have no friends.

Nicole: Um, neither do babies? Because they don’t care about anyone but themselves.

Kristina: Which is a WISE outlook in this dog eat dog world. ALSO, the only think old people care about is THAT GOVERNMENT $$$

#Medicare

#TalkAboutADrainOnSociety

Nicole: I am disgusted by what I’m hearing. Do you know how much diapers cost? Why do you think people have baby showers?? They need people to GIFT them a bunker full of diapers just so they can survive the next four years.

An old person probably invented the diaper. Cuz they’re smart. Except the ones that are bigoted but I’m so sure there are some asshole babies out there too.

Kristina: 1. Old people wear diapers too, check yourself

2. That’s right, BIGOTRY. Babies don’t even know what race is yo and

3. The baby is looking at me rn and its toothless grin is beaming unadulterated joy all the way down to the darkest recesses of my soul and there’s really no old person comparison for that.

Nicole: 1. Old people wear diapers only after they’ve spent their entire lives pooping out wisdom and success.

2. One time a tiny child told me I was ugly SO

3. I don’t even need to be looking at an old person for them to make me feel like my life is going to be filled with fruitful experiences and babies can’t even eat fruit.

Kristina: Exactly, you don’t even need to be looking at an old person. No one does. Because as they admit themselves, aesthetically, they leave a lot to be desired.

Sorry but. Lots of them are really crusty…

Who DO you need to be looking at? An innocent, chubby, unfettered by the ills of the world, INFANT BABY.

Looking at a baby instantly evaporates all of my worries.

I just want to smile and laugh and call my mom.

Nicole: That’s pretty superficial of you to be criticizing old peoples’ physical appearance.

Looking at old people makes me want to advocate for education reform and free healthcare. And travel to Fiji with a wrinkly companion by my side as we reminisce about our days at Woodstock.

Kristina: Hmmm… Babies squeeze your finger and are easier to transport?

Subtext: Old people have a lot of trouble putting on their seat belts.

Nicole: Today an old lady complemented me on my pink keyboard cover like I just win, you know?

Kristina: If the lady who complemented your keyboard cover was truly an old person, she doesn’t know what a keyboard is. She was just attracted by the bright colors. Meanwhile, I could pick for you any baby out of a line up, and that baby will be able to use an iPad better than I can.

Nicole: That baby is a dirty capitalist.

Kristina: So am I.

So are you.

Wake UP.

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It should be abundantly clear to all readers that babies won the day – and all other days. Babies are adorable. Babies are the future. Babies R Us.

Yeah. Think on that one for a while.

Image via.

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