Listicles

Slow Fixes for Fast Walkers

January 31, 2015

If you’re like me, you’re a speedy walker.  Sometimes you’re too speedy.

Because sometimes, you run (read: speed-walk) into problems.

And if you’re like me, you handle problems by ignoring them.

Here are seven solutions to your speed-walking problems, conceived by me:
an overly-efficient walker and underly-efficient problem solver.

1) You were walking with your friends, but now they’re 20 feet behind you.

The Solution:  Get new friends!

2)  You’re walking behind a stranger who’s almost-as-fast-as-you-but-not-quite, and now you’re just a liiiiittle too close for comfort.

The Solution:  Take her into your arms and race for the stars, because we are stronger together than apart.

3)  You slipped and fell on the ice because you’re speedy and careless and a fool.

The Solution:  CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, NATURE.

4)  You reached the intersection when the red hand was flashing but you-have-SO-MUCH-momentum-and-maybe-you-could-make-it-if-you-ran-but-oh-wait-THERE’S-A-CAR-and ahhh what are you gonna do????

The Solution:  Forget about where you were going and go to a different place.

5) You’re stuck in a conversation with someone who’s walking really slowly.

The Solution:

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                        But like, with a longer rope.

6) You want to retrieve your water bottle from your backpack, but you don’t want to slow down.

The Solution:  Wean yourself off material needs.

7) You’re stuck behind a party of 2 or 3 people who are occupying the entire width of the sidewalk.

The Solution:  Befriend them! After all, you abandoned your old friends!    

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Life & Other Drugs

I’m A Fair-Weather Patriots Fan And Life Is Great Right Now

January 29, 2015

BillBelichickphoto

In this Sunday’s Super Bowl XLIX, the New England Patriots will go head to head with the Seattle Seahawks. These teams are apparently a formidable pair in the timeless American game of football! I know this because I just started watching NFL games a few weeks ago — you know, once the Patriots got into the playoffs.

That’s right. I’m one of those people that only cares about sports when the team I’m supposed to be a fan of due to regional and familial affiliation (or die at the hands of #patsnation) is doing well. And it’s awesome.

“Ugh, girls like you are so fake,” you say. You’re damn right I am! I can count the number of Pats players I know on one hand. The only time I’ve been inside Gillette Stadium was for a Rolling Stones concert. And I shout “GROOOONK!!!” to the heavens less often than I should. Now, I’m going to attend fun-filled Super Bowl parties where I pretend to have stakes in the game’s outcome! Are you angry yet?

Being a Patriots fan with no strings attached — nay, a naive NFL spectator — is a delight. Why torture myself with weekly wins and losses when I can save my spirits for when sports are actually fun? Are you truly fond of ogling Bill Belichick’s sideline grimace week after week? Besides, everyone knows that cheap beer tastes better when you chase it by shouting at a dear friend because they happen to be from Seattle. How wonderfully arbitrary!

Logically speaking, I have no reason to hate the Seahawks. But since the NFL is an absurd dystopia where logic has no place, I now loathe the team with every bit of my being. Pass the wings!

And let us not forget Deflategate! Oh, what a joy! Had I cheered on the Patriots all season, I probably wouldn’t have had the energy to laugh like a child every time Tom Brady said “balls.” This pseudo-scandal has no bearing on the rest of my life, but now that it’s time to fill my Patriots appreciation quota, I can’t get enough! Balls, balls, balls.

Football is less Breaking Bad and more American Idol — I don’t have to binge watch every episode before the season finale, just tell me who doesn’t suck so I don’t have to ask any questions. So bring on the nachos, uncomfortably sexual commercials for junk food, and a half-time show that doesn’t matter since Beyonce isn’t there (probably).

Image via.

Life & Other Drugs

Pressing Questions

December 7, 2014

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As an “adult,” I spend my time wondering about really important stuff. Here are some of my most pressing questions:

1. What goes on in my fridge when it’s closed?

Several great works of literature have addressed this topic, not least of them Eggbert: The Slightly Cracked Egg, which was one of my favorite books as a kid. Seriously, though–does all the food come to life and start whispering to each other every time we close the fridge door? Or is everything sleeping in there? After all, the light turns off when you close the door.

2. Where do things go when you lose them?

Really, socks should never “get lost in the wash.” There’s nowhere for them to go. Though everyone seems to accept this phenomenon, there’s really no logical explanation for it.

When things get “lost in the move,” where do they go?? If they’re not at the old house, and they’re not at the new house, where the hell are they? On the sidewalk somewhere in between? Beamed up into an aerial graveyard for lost items in the atmosphere? Also, how is it possible to lose something inside your own house? If you systematically search every room in the house, you should be able to find whatever you lost. But this often doesn’t turn out to be true. For example, over thanksgiving, my mom misplaced a wedge of cheese. We searched the whole house for it, but it was just GONE.

This question is really part of a much larger question: where do things go, in general? What is the map of the flow of objects through the world? When a store is going out of business and “everything must go,” where, exactly, does everything go???

3. What are the contents of other people’s packages?

Let me be clear: by packages, I mean the kind you receive in the mail. The last package I received was from my grandma. It contained 4 avocados, 3 pomegranates, somewhere between 50 and 100 limes, and a lemon the size of a grapefruit. And a handwritten card, of course. I bet no one who saw that package anywhere along the line of its delivery guessed what was in there (she definitely lied about perishable contents at the post office, though by the time it reached me the box was a little pulpy and reeked of citrus). What is everyone else getting in their packages? I could never work for the postal service; I’d die of curiosity.

4. What is mascara made of?

I actually looked this one up, and it turns out to be mostly wax and color additives with really long names.

5. What is inside a lava lamp?

The answer to this one can also be looked up, but knowing the ingredients somehow doesn’t really answer the question.

Naturally, to see how mainstream I am, I took to Google to find out if other people have the same questions as I do. Here are some of the results:

The Who

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This was by far the most depressing result of my search for other people’s questions.

The What

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Fascinating how much the options change between searching “what’s” and “what is.”

The When

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When is apple picking season, indeed.

The Where

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The Why

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Apparently, people are overly concerned with the definition of a fruit. I was always told a fruit is anything with seeds.

The How

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For the record, a hemisphere is half a sphere.

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Ebola and almond milk are really weighing on people’s minds, I guess.

Listicles

Things That Only Exist In Movie High Schools

December 7, 2014

The-Breakfast-Club

1. Super hot football star who falls in love with the nerdy girl who never talked to anyone and wore baggy, unflattering clothing. How did they even meet? Because in my high school, the super hot football players spent most of their time going to parties with beer and freshman girls named Brit.

2. Said nerdy girl taking off her glasses and becoming the hottest girl at prom! And then winning prom queen! Usually, if someone has the bone structure of an icelandic model, they still look pretty good with glasses. And the criteria for winning prom queen is not “who was the most antisocial throughout the entire year but looks kind of pretty for this one night.”

3. Prom being the biggest deal ever. If you think prom is a big deal, you’re either a 13-year-old, or someone who peaked way too early.

4. Nerds getting their heads flushed in the toilet. Yes, this would be terrible. No, this has never actually happened at any high school in the United States of America.

5. The cool English teacher goes by his first name and doesn’t play by the rules. Every single class ends with an off-topic but inspiring speech. Not once in my schooling experience did a young, new teacher with crazy ideas make us believe in ourselves with his unorthodox teaching methods. We mostly read Shakespeare and stuff.

6. The clique of mean cheerleaders. Who wear their uniforms every day. Who would want to wear the same thing every day?

7. Making friends in detention. You don’t make friends in detention. You sit in a room with a middle-aged woman reading a magazine about dogs, and stare in silence. You’re probably in there with friends you already have. That’s how you got in there in the first place.

 8. The cool outcast has a heart of gold. In real life, that guy in a leather jacket, smoking a cigarette is actually an asshole who’s going to end up working at the 7/11 until he’s arrested for tax fraud.

9. Someone bringing two dates to the prom and having to run back and forth and pretend to be dating both of them. SHOW ME ONE PERSON WHO HAS EVER HAD TO DO THIS. IT”S UNREALISTIC. YOU’RE ONLY SPENDING LIKE 30 SECONDS WITH EACH PERSON BEFORE YOU’RE RUNNING OFF TO THE “BATHROOM.” NO ONE HAS FUN!

10. Getting sad at graduation because “you’ll never see these people again:” Usually, that’s a good thing. For the three people from high school you do want to see again, that’s why Thanksgiving break exists.

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Listicles, Satire

How to Sound Funny

December 6, 2014

 

The past few months have been a wild ride here at The Rib. We’ve had our ups, our downs, our wine, and our four extra slices of funfetti cake that we were not originally allotted. That might have just been me. But what we’ve had, most importantly, was a lot of laughs. That’s what funny gals do: we sit in a room together once a week, and laugh every time someone says something. It’s like an uncompetitive competition as to who can be the funniest all of the time. And there is a definite slight chance that some people do participate in this uncompetitive competition rather competitively. That’s just my own personal theory, though.

If you aren’t funny, then my gut reaction is to tell you to try to be because people love other people that are funny. You might not be naturally funny, and if you aren’t, then don’t try too hard. Failed attempts at humor are much worse than no humor at all. Present yourself as one who “has a good sense of humor” rather than as someone “humorous.” There are a few patterns I’ve noticed that help make people look like they have “a good sense of humor” or trigger their funny bone, although it may be deeply, deeply, very deeply buried within them. If you’re up for the whole “new year new you” thing, which usually proves to be utterly failed and disappointing when I don’t become a hybrid of Beyoncé and Summer Roberts when I wake up hashtag-flawless as heck on January 1st, here are some suggestions for increasing your funniness:

1. The number one thing is to talk about poop. Girls love to talk about poop, and funny girls love to talk about poop to prove how funny they are because everyone will be willing to engage in a conversation with a funny person about poop.

2. Don’t be afraid to cross some boundaries you may not have crossed before. Think: all obscene and not politically correct jokes. Try muttering those under your breath.

3. Don’t be annoying, because annoying people are never funny. They are just annoying.

4. Be modest, because everyone loves an underdog. Be unassuming. Like Fat Amy in Pitch Perfect.

5. Talk about “problems” people have, especially those that might inspire Twitter accounts. Also talk about “basic” things. There’s lots of material there.

6. Make very absurd comparisons that no one would ever naturally or instinctively think of, but still make absolutely perfect sense. An eh example of this: “Poached eggs are the new black.” This one, in use, receives a lot of laughs. Some laughs are in response to you being funny. Others were point-and-laugh-at-that-ridiculous-statement laughs. But you’re the only one who makes that distinction, so it’s totally fine.

7. Be self-depreciative but only to the extent that your audience still finds you mentally stable. It’s usually the easiest to be funny when talking about yourself, especially with anecdote. My go-to is the story of how I shit myself onstage while playing the role of “The Wall of Thorns” in my summer camp’s production of Sleeping Beauty. No one ever knows what’s worse: that I shit myself, or that they made me play The Wall of Thorns.

8. Know your audience. Sometimes, there are certain boundaries that you maybe should be afraid to cross depending on who you’re talking to. The story of the first time I got my period — while hiking up a mountain in a hail storm, also at camp — is a crowd-pleaser for the girlies. The guys usually find themselves a bit uncomfortable. Trust me. I’ve tested it on males two or three times, and the third time just was not the charm.

Good luck. New year, new you.

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Life & Other Drugs, Listicles

Are You Sure You’re An Adult?

December 6, 2014

Tomorrow, at 4pm, I will enter the real (scary) world. Sure, my graduation ceremony is solely symbolic; I won’t receive my diploma until May, no cap and gown is worn, and I have a final exam on the absolute last day of finals (a Saturday) from 2-5pm.

Regardless, as this “graduation” has been fast approaching, I’ve become increasing contemplative about a variety of important things. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? How can I utilize my Brown education to effect change? But most importantly, what are the pros and cons of being little and looking roughly 15 as I transition into the adult world?? Naturally, I made a list:

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Life & Other Drugs

Fleeks and Geeks

December 5, 2014

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Let me start by saying that I am a very fashionable, hip girl with the whole world at her fingertips. Perhaps my usage of the word “hip” might indicate otherwise, but I assure you that I am a card-carrying member of the Millennial generation, and have oft been complimented for my neat and innovative sense of style. Even so, it seems as though I have fallen a bit behind in the current language trends of the young people of this world. Forgive me for favoring words such as “accoutrements” and “homunculus” and “sesquipedalian” over words like “finna” and “turn up” and “yaaaaassss.” Because they are pathetic. But yet, I can’t ignore this constant nagging inside my soul that wants nothing more than to maintain a status of relative coolness. And so I’m trying to get with it.

This week I discovered a whole new world of phraseology that I never knew existed! I must admit that I have been living under a rock in some respects. In case any of you, too, are struggling to stay abreast of the newest vernacular trend, or that you are drowning in bizarre butcherings of what already seems to be a rather bewildering language, fear not. I have condensed my findings into a concise list of need-to-knows:

“On fleek”: This revelation was the first of many to come. As I have come to understand, it can be used to replace such phrases as “on point,” or “hella” — a helpful note for those of you, like me, who just learned that word as well. It is important to note that “on fleek” is particularly applicable to the admirable quality of certain eyebrows. Interestingly enough, that is exactly how I became familiar with this word. If I’m known for one thing, it is most definitely my impressive eyebrow game.

TNC: So there are some conflicting viewpoints on this abbreviation according to my sources. It could signify anything from “Tuesday Night Crew,” as in the straight thuggers goin up in the club, to something like “Total Non Christian” — because that’s an important acronym to have. The way I learned it, though, is in conjunction with the phrase, “That’s Not Cute.” As in “Dyed armpit hair? TNC, girl.”

Throwing Shade: Basically, this means to give attitude, or incessantly insult someone. So when Adele says “I don’t rely on tits to have hits,” she’s probably throwing shade on Katy Perry.

Having been so well-educated recently, I was motivated to further my scholarly endeavors. Thus, I consulted the “Random Word” selection on Urban Dictionary, and began my journey. Here are a few of my favorites for you to peruse at your leisure: feastiality, mun, Lumbersexual, food press, Alex from Target, fauxbola, Full-Donald, wearble bed.

These are just a few examples of the crazy conversational constructions out there today. There’s something made up for just about anything, nowadays. I encourage you to follow in my footsteps and catch up with what’s going on around you. Happy surfing!

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Life & Other Drugs

The Declassified Guide to Inner Peace

December 4, 2014

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A few short weeks ago, I gracefully slammed my head into a cabinet and incurred a mild concussion. The consequences of this action included a continuous headache and being placed on “cognitive rest.” That is, sitting alone in my dark dorm room doing absolutely nothing. No class, no work, no technology, no doing anything that needed to get done. At this point, having (debatably) regained critical thinking, I am able to look at the smoking ruins of my responsibilities with a sense of peace. And so I present to you, Annie’s Declassified Guide to Inner Peace:

The first step of this master plan is relinquishing control. Releasing control of your life is as easy to succumbing to your own crippling lack of motivation and the sweet seduction of the six seasons of Criminal Minds available on Netflix. Allow your obligations to overwhelm you.

Next, watch things spiral rapidly out of control. Let the waves of panic wash over you. This is the acceptance phase of the plan. Throw out all that kale, you’re not going to do a cleanse. Accept that your staple foods are dining hall cereal and ice cream.

Finally, reorganize your priorities. Lots of successful people drop out of college; Bill Gates dropped out of college and just look at that guy now. In fact, lots of successful people only eat cereal and watch Criminal Minds. Like…um…Mark Zuckerberg? Anyways, I hear the tech industry is big on outside-the-box-outside-the-system types. You know, the kind of people who’ve found inner peace. So, move to California! On second thought, buy some more kale; do a cleanse. In fact, I hear they’re big in California.

When you make it big through a West Coast startup they’ll ask how you achieved bliss. Tell them your guru was a 19-year-old girl with a head injury.

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Satire

Recipe: Holiday Cookies For People Still Figuring Stuff Out

December 4, 2014

holiday-cookies21

Time: 15 minutes to prep, 10 minutes to cook, 5 more years to get your life together

Serves: Whoever gets to them first

Ingredients:

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup your purpose — ha, just kidding!

1 cup sugar

½ cup Splenda, because, well, you know

1 jumbo egg, not those inferior medium-sized ones

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder (don’t mess it up this time)

¼ tsp salt

½ cup butter (it’s just a whole stick, please don’t put it in measuring cups again)

1 tsp vanilla

1 tsp ginger

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp whatever else you have on the spice rack because there’s no way you have allspice or anything like that

Instructions:

  1. Preheat oven to 375. You’re right, that does take too long. Nudge it down to 350. No one will know.
  2. Spray cookie sheet with non-stick…okay, fine, you don’t have any spray, just don’t use…alright, you’re using olive oil.
  3. Cream together butter and sugar. Add the vanilla. This would be so much easier if you had the stand mixer like Mom does at home.
  4. How’s Mom doing? You haven’t talked to her in a while.
  5. You should call your mom.
  6. Never mind. She didn’t answer.
  7. In a separate bowl, beat egg.
  8. Wash your hands. Wait, did you touch the faucet already? Aw, man, you had raw egg on you!
  9. Worry that you and everyone you touch will contract Salmonella.
  10. In a separate bowl, sift together the rest of the ingredients. Since you probably don’t have a sifter, just toss ‘em around until you have a nice dust cloud going.
  11. Worry about the consequences of inhaling contents of said dust cloud.
  12. Get your inhaler. Better safe than sorry.
  13. Combine wet and dry ingredients and mix until blended. Do not mix after that. If you do that, your cookies will be ruined and you will be forbidden from baking anything ever again.
  14. Place the raw dough you didn’t already eat in balls two inches apart on greased baking sheet.
  15. Mom called back! She’s doing great. Oh, wait, now there’s Salmonella on the phone!
  16. Cram as much dough as you possibly can onto baking sheet before eating the rest. Who has time to bake two batches?
  17. Place in preheated oven for however long you’d like, since everyone knows cookies are better when they’re a little chewy inside. And don’t bother cooling them.

Image via

Satire

Recipe: Holiday Cookies For People Still Figuring Stuff Out

December 4, 2014

holiday-cookies21

Time: 15 minutes to prep, 10 minutes to cook, 5 more years to get your life together

Serves: Whoever gets to them first

Ingredients:

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup your purpose — ha, just kidding!

1 cup sugar

½ cup Splenda, because, well, you know

1 jumbo egg, not those inferior medium-sized ones

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder (don’t mess it up this time)

¼ tsp salt

½ cup butter (it’s just a whole stick, please don’t put it in measuring cups again)

1 tsp vanilla

1 tsp ginger

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp whatever else you have on the spice rack because there’s no way you have allspice or anything like that

Instructions:

  1. Preheat oven to 375. You’re right, that does take too long. Nudge it down to 350. No one will know.
  2. Spray cookie sheet with non-stick…okay, fine, you don’t have any spray, just don’t use…alright, you’re using olive oil.
  3. Cream together butter and sugar. Add the vanilla. This would be so much easier if you had the stand mixer like Mom does at home.
  4. How’s Mom doing? You haven’t talked to her in a while.
  5. You should call your mom.
  6. Never mind. She didn’t answer.
  7. In a separate bowl, beat egg.
  8. Wash your hands. Wait, did you touch the faucet already? Aw, man, you had raw egg on you!
  9. Worry that you and everyone you touch will contract Salmonella.
  10. In a separate bowl, sift together the rest of the ingredients. Since you probably don’t have a sifter, just toss ‘em around until you have a nice dust cloud going.
  11. Worry about the consequences of inhaling contents of said dust cloud.
  12. Get your inhaler. Better safe than sorry.
  13. Combine wet and dry ingredients and mix until blended. Do not mix after that. If you do that, your cookies will be ruined and you will be forbidden from baking anything ever again.
  14. Place the raw dough you didn’t already eat in balls two inches apart on greased baking sheet.
  15. Mom called back! She’s doing great. Oh, wait, now there’s Salmonella on the phone!
  16. Cram as much dough as you possibly can onto baking sheet before eating the rest. Who has time to bake two batches?
  17. Place in preheated oven for however long you’d like, since everyone knows cookies are better when they’re a little chewy inside. And don’t bother cooling them.

Image via