Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill"

Jo’s: The Makeover Edition

September 27, 2017

I know we really don’t pay much attention to the overall effectiveness of Josiah’s eatery, a late-night establishment famous for saving the lives of many a drunk creature by injecting greasy calories into our bloodstreams, but in recent years the remodeling of campus eateries has left Jo’s sadly in the dust. The Ratty has her snazzy new salad bar, the Blue Room now blesses us with Sushi Fridays, so why am I still wandering drunk around Jo’s every Friday night, lost, hungry, and covered in a fine sheen of oil? Moisturizing or not, I owe Jo’s a favor or two in return for saving me from my choices many an evening. Didn’t we all come to Brown for the open curriculum and stay for the spicy-withs, anyway? But let’s face it: Jo’s is in dire need of a makeover.

Thus, I’ve compiled a list of ways that Jo’s may more effectively cater to its target demographic. Behold, the Jo’s of the not-so-distant future: Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs

On Orthodontia

September 26, 2017

I did a lot of hard, scary things this summer. A list of examples: performed stand-up comedy at a club full of people on the same show as Emma Willmann and Jim Gaffigan (!!!), got lost a total of three times in one trip to Alphabet City from Morningside Heights via the New York City subway system, made the near-impossible decision to switch from Tinder to Bumble based on an exhaustive list of pros and cons.

But perhaps the most trying experience of my summer occurred on August 8, 2017.

On that fateful Tuesday at 1pm, I pulled into the parking lot of my local dentist’s office. As I settled into the reclining chair, blinded temporarily by the fluorescent light being swiveled to shine as directly as possible into my eyes, I could not have mentally prepared for the news I would soon be somberly receiving.

But first, a brief history of my teeth:

Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs

Rain, Rain, Get The Fuck Outta Here

September 26, 2017

Rain and I have a love-hate relationship, and by that I mean that I hate it and it clearly loves me so much it wants to follow me around all the time like a duckling that imprinted on the wrong mom. Everywhere I go, there it is – Providence to New York to Portland and back. And when I go indoors, escaping its reach, cutting off its access to me, does it get bored and leave me alone? No, no, my friends. It waits outside, banging on the window, reminding me it’s there to walk me home. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs

The Best $200 I Ever Spent

September 25, 2017

Not long ago, in a land not far from here, I held a waitressing position at an outdoor establishment. I worked long and hard through the summer months—tripping on uneven pavement, dropping a martini glass (ONCE), sweating through my khaki shorts, and struggling to cover up the sweat stains with my server apron—all in the name of earning some billz. After working hard for so long, you’d think I’d wisely save my money, instead of spending it on something silly. You’d be wrong. The best $200 I ever spent was on a Brown Cheeky Dog Webkinz from a smoke-free home on eBay.

Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, Love & Romance, On "The Hill"

The Fleeting Nature of Love and Weather Protective Gear

September 25, 2017

It was early September. I was caught between a rock and a hard place—the rock being a mom loudly debating the redeeming qualities of two different brands of air freshener, the hard place being the check-out line of the Bed Bath & Beyond in Providence Place Mall, the relief being the impulse purchasing of a $25 umbrella.

I say impulse buy, but I had actually yearned for this umbrella for quite a while. It was made of clear, durable plastic domed over a mushroom shaped frame, and I had heard them referred to as “bubble” umbrellas. I found it to be whimsical yet practical (which is a descriptor I sort of mold my entire being around). It was impulsive in the sense that I hadn’t been planning to stumble upon something I had hoped for in such a random place. I didn’t expect to buy in so cavalierly to something that I had exalted in my mind. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

On the Brink of the Real World

September 24, 2017

I’m not sure if I’m just perpetually PMS-ing, but I’ve been extremely sentimental recently. Maybe it’s due to the fact that I spent a whole summer with my dogs and now I’m experiencing extreme separation anxiety. Or, it could be due to the fact that I’m starting my last year of college. I think it’s the latter. Sorry pups.

If you know me, you know I am an extremely anxious person. If you didn’t know that, within the first five minutes of meeting me, it’s a dead giveaway. I spent this summer on Cape Cod, arguably one of the most relaxing places for the east coast. However, as I would sit on the beach and start to unwind, I would be jolted back. My mind would race with thoughts of “you need to find a job,” “what the fuck are you doing with your life,” “maybe you should really consider consulting,” “get it together, Greenberg,” hitting me over and over again like the waves on the shore. The beach was ruined for me. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Are You Hungover or Just a Transfer?

September 23, 2017

A few nights ago, I was sitting on my roommate’s bed. As we frantically made last minute changes to our schedules, I suddenly had an epiphany.  

“Transferring schools is kind of like being drunk,” I said.  When I explained my thinking behind this (intellectually stimulating) metaphor, she suggested I write a Rib article on it like ASAP, so this knowledge could be spread with the rest of the world.

So, this article is dedicated to the #nextgen of transfers (otherwise known as transfs), in order to help you navigate the biggest hangover of your life, AKA transferring.  Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Finding Religion in Times of Famine

September 22, 2017

As I’m writing this, it’s Rosh Hashanah (ראש השנה for the cool kidz), a.k.a the Jewish new year. Holiday texts have been pouring in all day from family and friends, and tonight, I plan on going to Hillel for the holiday dinner. I haven’t gone to many holiday dinners at Hillel during my time at Brown– mostly because mainstream American Judaism is jarringly different than mainstream Israeli Judaism–and I’ve never managed to feel completely at home there. However, with this new year, both academic and lunar, I’ve decided to make an effort towards becoming more in touch with my religion. My religion, of course, being the church of Free Food.

See, I recently moved off campus, and with that, left the comfort of my pre-paid (and parental-paid) meal plan in order to fend for myself. I’m going back to my ancestral roots to find my inner hunter-gatherer; scrounging and scavenging food from wherever I can. This includes Brown/RISD Hillel, an establishment that graciously provides dinner for the Jewish community every Friday night and on Jewish holidays. Attending Shabbat dinners for the past two weeks has been an interesting adjustment. It’s rather disorienting hearing American accents pray and sing in Hebrew, especially to a god I don’t believe in, but it’s worth it to be able to silently pray and pay gratitude to my own god, the god of Free Food.

A major part of Rosh Hashanah is the act of eating an apple dipped in honey, which symbolizes the sweetness we hope the new year will bring. Similarly, a major part of Shabbat is eating challah, which, to be honest, I don’t fully understand the meaning behind. I do, however, know that my personal tradition of eating apples with honey on the new year and challah on Saturdays stems from my religion’s practice of putting Free Food in one’s mouth as frequently and enthusiastically as possible. And of course, we can’t forget the wine (read: grape juice) that comes alongside each meal, as a significant aspect of the Free Food religion is the concept of inclusivity. Specifically, the inclusion of Free Beverages within our areas of worship.

This journey of spiritual exploration will definitely be both a challenge and an adventure, but hopefully I’ll start feeling more comfortable in a religious environment soon. Hopefully I’ll soon be able to go more than once a week, and maybe even find myself exploring other religious venues. Like the Ratty. Can someone please swipe me in?

Image via.

Life & Other Drugs

Italy’s Public Enemy Number One

September 22, 2017

An exclusive investigation into one American student’s life on how she went from naïve study abroad student to the most wanted person in all of Italy.

BOLOGNA, Italy- A sharp chill sweeps over the city of Bologna, Italy in this unsettlingly frigid September afternoon. I shiver as I sit on the Piazza Maggiore, scanning the faces of the people of this fine city; their faces drawn, tense.  This is no surprise. All of Italy has been on edge since the fateful incident.

To understand it better, I have taken it upon myself to investigate the truth. I have traveled to Bologna to find out what really happened one fateful June afternoon.

Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Satire

My Application for “Married at First Sight”

September 21, 2017

Married at First Sight is a reality show masquerading as a “””social experiment””” to conceal the undeniable fact that is crazy, nutso, and overall, bonkers. A team of experts matches three couples who meet at their weddings and live as “hubby” and “wifey” for at least six weeks, at which point they can choose to divorce. It is a show for people who like extreme blind dates, don’t want to kiss their spouse at the altar and dream about honeymooning with a perfect stranger. It is a show for people who want a partner who keeps them guessing like, “exactly how much in debt did they say they were?” and “will I ever feel comfortable scratching my butt with them around?”

It is a show for me.

I am crazy. I am nutso. And yes, overall, I am bonkers because I applied to be on the latest season of MAFS–and here’s the proof. Continue Reading…