Life & Other Drugs

Hi MTV, Welcome To My Crib: Hell

October 4, 2017

I’ve been thinking about hell a lot recently for two different reasons.

Reason 1: I think this one is a side effect of being gay. You know, when enough people tell you you’re gonna burn in hell, you gotta start to wonder what it’s like. You gotta start to get a little curious. Maybe even a little enticed? Like you’re telling me there’s a place full of gay people? Sick. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs

To Whom It May Concern: An Email Personality Test

October 3, 2017

In the same way that a mood ring can precisely detect your mood, so too can I accurately depict your personality based on how you write emails! Every keystroke you make is a window into the deeeeeep depths of your soul. The NSA can watch you at all times through the video port on your laptop, but I can see your soul through your typing. Your stylistic choices say so much more about you than any Myers-Briggs test ever could.

The revelations begin in your choice of greeting. Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Satire

Meat, My Cruel Mistress

October 3, 2017

For the past three years at Brown, I have been at the whim of the campus meats. I salivated over egg and bacon sandwiches at the Blue Room, cried out in jubilation when the Ratty had chorizo sausages for breakfast, slurped strips of Ivy Room gyro meat down my gullet, and every fateful Friday I scarfed down about 7 or 8 chicken tenders as honey mustard dripped down my fingers.

Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs

Are You There Empire State Building? It’s Me, Abby

October 2, 2017

Like Margaret did to God, I asked the Empire State Building a lot of questions this summer. Unlike Margaret, these questions didn’t revolve around puberty.

You see, this summer I had a direct view of the Empire State Building from my (summer housing) dorm room window in New York. I had a double room to myself, with enormous windows. And when I say direct view I mean direct view: it was a 10th-floor dorm on 15th and 2nd, right across Stuyvesant Park,* so there was zero obstruction of the building. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, The Tabloids

The Rib’s Tomatoes: A Gal’s Guide To This Summer’s Box Office Hits

October 2, 2017

Hey everyone, it’s me, your local movie critic, your rag time gal, here to help you out with a pop culture pickle. Did you watch any of the top blockbuster films this summer? Probably not, considering that this has been reported to be the worst summer box office record in ten years. Why didn’t you watch more movies, Tiffany? Why didn’t you satiate the corporate monster’s big, big appetite?

Anyways, I took a cinema class this summer and I’m in an introductory MCM course this semester, so I am definitely qualified to give you the low-down on all the hot summer flicks. These bite-sized, quirky yet poignant reviews will aid you tremendously when you’re trying to awkwardly flirt/make small talk with people at parties.

Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs

My Butt Touched the Shower Wall, So I’m in the Market for a New Butt

October 1, 2017

I thought it would never happen to me. I’ve always been so careful, tirelessly testing my depth perception, begging friends to play catch to enhance my spatial awareness. Everybody would tell me I was being paranoid, and that I should learn to let go a little. I tried to relax. Butt–uh, excuse me. But then, it finally happened. My butt touched the shower wall. The greasy and grimy wall covered in hair and unknown substances. Now, my life is in shambles, and I’m in the market for a new butt.

Continue Reading…

On "The Hill", Satire

Your Jeans Fit Too Well For You To Not Be, Like, Super Rich

September 30, 2017

You know those college students who say things like:

“I wanna go to the Bahamas for Spring Break but I’m so PooR I’ll just probably have to go on a road trip up the California coast instead :/”

“I’m addicted to online shopping but it’s so baaAAaAad because I’m soo pooOoOor.”

“I’m LIVING that hashtag broke college student life… Yes, I’ve been to Europe at least twice. What, you haven’t?”

“Lolololololol I should get a job, too, but I’m so lazy! But it would be nice to not be ?poor?”

“I don’t know why I just keep buying things even though I’m So Poor.”

*Invites you to a pricey restaurant that you then tell them you can’t afford to go to* “Haha yeah me either. Broke college student lyfe, amirite?” *Proceeds to go anyway*.

However, one must take only a singular look at their outfit to know that their jeans fit too well for them to not be, like, super fucking rich. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs

The Mill-Oedipal Complex

September 28, 2017

If there are two things I’ve learned in this life, it’s that 1) drinking more water solves all of life’s problems and 2) talking about the Oedipus complex freaks people out. I mean, I get it. We can all probably agree that Freud had some bogus ideas and that Oedipus did some pretty terrible stuff and that killing and/or sleeping with one’s actual parent is a big no-no.

But I’ve been doing some thinking lately—classes haven’t really started, so I have time to think about the tough stuff—and I’ve come to the conclusion that we’ve got some modern day Oedipus shit going on that needs to be addressed. Think I’m being ridiculous? I present to you my thoughts on the matter. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs

My Third Roommate is the U.S. Government

September 27, 2017

All great relationships mirror that of a whirlwind romance. At first, it feels as if you might have a crush. You think, “Hey, this person is cool. Maybe if we’re friends some if it will rub off on me.” You exchange numbers. Text a few times. Next thing you know, you’re splitting fries at Jo’s thinking I have been so lost…until now.

I’d say new roomie relationships mirror this timeline. You admire them. You put yourself out there. Next thing you know, you’re saying “Do you want me to turn off the light? Because I like totally can. I know how to turn it off and like, I don’t want it to bother you at all. PLEASE just tell me if you want it off (so you don’t silently resent me).” Continue Reading…

On "The Hill", Satire, Uncategorized

Rules for Brown 2021 Because I’m Your Mom Now

September 27, 2017

Welcome to Brown, Class of 2021. By now, you’ve probably slurped vodka from a ladle on the roof of Metcalf, slept through your 3 P.M., and peed on the fire you started with three Ratty to-go boxes and an iClicker outside of the Anne Marie Brown Crypt without any consequence. “College is great!” you exclaim, pouring an entire bowl of pho into your backpack. “No parents, dude!”

That’s cute.

Did you really think you’d be free from parental clutches at this institution? Sucks to suck, but your mothers have given me custody of all 1,791 of you. That’s right; I am your legal guardian now. You have all been reborn from my womb and you better believe that I have some serious rules for you to follow around here. Continue Reading…