Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill"

Open Letters: 10 Things That Need To Get Their Shit Together

March 12, 2017

Overall, I like to think life is pretty good. But every once in a while, I stumble upon something that just isn’t achieving its full potential. To express my frustration, I have compiled a list of open letters to the top ten things that need to step up their existence in this world:


Dear Raisin Bran,

We all know the whole “two scoops of raisins” is a dirty lie. I come across a raisin once every three years. Please improve your slimy texture and altogether deceitful nature. Also, weren’t you invented to keep kids from feeling themselves? Because you’re actually achieving that perfectly.


Mouths Everywhere


Dear stray cats,

Please make the sounds of fighting and mating just a little more different. I would love to know if I should be grossed out or solely afraid of whatever is happening outside at night. Please either fight rougher or screw better. Evolve for the sake of us all.


Cat Person Who Also Values Sleep


Dear chalkboards,

It’s 2017. Be whiteboards already. This isn’t Dead Poets Society. Squeaking is so last century. You and clarinets are in dire need of an upgrade.


My Ears


Dear Halloween,

Can you relocate to a warmer month? We just want to get our cleavage out in the name of scaring people, but you’re hell bent on late fall. Every year I have to choose between freezing my tits off or going as Slutty Ernest Shackleton. Please rethink your time management.


Rock Hard Nips


Dear people who make swivel chairs,

Can you please make your swivel chairs a little less fun? I’m trying to do work and the novelty of swiveling is just too much to bear. Also, why the hoot aren’t swivel couches a thing? Diversify or perish.


Distracted and Dizzy


Dear wisdom teeth,

We all know you and the appendix are in cahoots to cause bodily mayhem. Why the human body comes equipped with a dental doomsday device, I know not. Also, what exactly is your purpose again? Either way, just fit yourselves into my skull or stop trying.




Dear Google AdChoice,

Okay, I know you only want what’s best for consumers, but you need to rethink your system. If I just bought a 50 dollar portable speaker, why would you assume that I am suddenly in the market for eight more? Please install a “show me fun new shit and not stuff I’ve already dropped dough on”  button. Thanks.


This Is A Legit Complaint


Dear CVS Self-Checkout Robot Voice,

You are so loud. Too loud. Please introduce yourself to the concept of “inside voice.” Believe it or not I don’t need everyone in the store to know my debit card balance can’t handle generic-brand frozen pizza. Control yourself or we’ll delete you.


Slightly Afraid of AI


Dear suede thigh-high boots,

Look, I know you’re a huge trend right now and I want you so bad. But seriously can you please a.) stop being so cute or b.) stop being so damn expensive? Also, I’m definitely suspicious of your definition of “thigh-high.” To be honest nobody trusts you.


Poor Girl With Short Legs


Dear wild rabbits in Wriston Quad,

This is a check-in. Are you alive? Are you cold? Please come back, it’s midterm season and we would all really love to see some bunnies right about now. I promise I won’t try to chase you anymore. Also, extra points if you could live up to your rep and pump out some babies for us too.


Stressed and Petless


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1 Comment

  • Reply Rob Owen April 8, 2017 at 11:09 pm

    Brilliant! Do I see a future brain surgeon or the new head writer for SNL?

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