Life & Other Drugs

To Whom It May Concern: An Email Personality Test

October 3, 2017

In the same way that a mood ring can precisely detect your mood, so too can I accurately depict your personality based on how you write emails! Every keystroke you make is a window into the deeeeeep depths of your soul. The NSA can watch you at all times through the video port on your laptop, but I can see your soul through your typing. Your stylistic choices say so much more about you than any Myers-Briggs test ever could.

The revelations begin in your choice of greeting.

  • A ‘hey’ indicates a fair level of casualness to your personality. You probably show up to class in athletic wear like it’s no biggie and are incessantly late (just an inkling on that one).
  • ‘Hi’ is for the slightly more refined ‘hey’ user. If you use ‘hi,’ you likely don’t sweat the small stuff, and definitely didn’t spend 15 minutes over-analyzing your email as your ‘hello’ counterparts likely did.
  • ‘Hello’ is for the awkward ones among us. How often do you in real life actually say ‘hello’ to someone in lieu of ‘hey’ or ‘hi?’ I’ll answer that for you: never. ‘Hello’ is equally as shocking and weird over the interwebs as it is in real life. Either drop your greeting down to a ‘hey’/’hi’ or bump it up to a ‘dear.’
  • You can’t go wrong with a ‘dear’ in most contexts. Users of ‘dear’ have their lives put together, retain a bit of pompous flair, and also know their place, unlike those who use ‘to whom it may concern.’ If you use this greeting and aren’t a spy, deflate your self-image a tad.

Another illuminating email aspect is the amount of exclamation points it contains.

  • An email with 0 exclamation points indicates a sad, sad human bean:Look how sad that bean is!! Beyond being sad, a 0 exclamation point user is likely just no fun. Their friends probably call them ‘Debbie Downers’ after they’ve chosen to stay in and watch House of Cards for the third weekend in a row.
  • A single or double exclamation point signifies a person who keeps their emotions in check, but still lets themselves have some fun. Balance is important to these minimal exclamation point users.
  • Any amount beyond two of this particular punctuation indicates someone who is controlled by their emotions. They’ll incessantly tap you in the middle of class to show you the adorable video of a cat that they ‘just can’t even’ about. They’re a looooooot.

How one closes an email also says a lot about them.

  • There are the culprits of saying thanks even though there is literally nothing to thank the recipient for. These people are conformist by nature and must live their life by the book, rarely straying from the beaten path.
  • Users of ‘best’ seem nice on the surface, but when you get to know them better you realize they probably weren’t ever wishing you the best after all :’-(.
  • If you say ‘sincerely’ or ‘respectfully’ you probably think pretty highly of yourself, but arguably for good reason. These people are organized and suave.
  • Some people end their emails with ‘cheers.” If you say ‘cheers,’ you’re just the worst.

Cheers!!!!!

Image via and Suzanne Antoniou. 

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