On "The Hill", The Tabloids

How to Look Famous Around Campus

April 11, 2017

I’ve been rocking some pretty sweet looks around campus lately. So sweet, in fact, a number of strangers have come up to me asking for my autograph. “Oh my goodness, you must be that celebrity everyone is talking about! You look so famous!” they yell, pushing autograph books in my face and taking pictures with me. Much to my own dismay, I am not a celebrity. But, I can share these quick fashion tips that will help you look famous and get noticed around campus.

  1. Wear a baseball cap

    I still know that’s you, Leo.

The goal is to make people think you’re trying to hide your face. But, by doing this, you’re actually calling attention to the fact that you have a face worth hiding. After all, you are a celebrity, and the paparazzi is relentless! People will wonder what you’re trying to hide (your famous face), and come to the logical conclusion that you are only hiding it belongs to a celebrity.

  1. Wear sunglasses. Always.

The eyes are the window to the soul. As a celebrity, virtually nothing about your life is private. It is your duty to conceal your soul from the unworthy onlooker. Outside, inside, at night–doesn’t matter. Celebrities always wear sunglasses.

  1. Sport some Athleisure while carrying around a green smoothie or other pointlessly fancy drink, like Voss water

The tabloid magazines often have pictures of celebs walking around downtown LA after a rigorous SoulCycle class, or MagicExpensivePilatesThatMakesYourBodySomehowBetterThanOtherBodies. You’re a celebrity, for heaven’s sake! Time is money! You never know when you’re gonna be able to cram in a quick gym sesh, so you have to be prepared. As for the drink, it doesn’t even matter if you actually drink it. You just have to carry it around to show people that you have more refined taste buds than they do, and my ‘more refined taste buds’ I mean ‘money.’ And celebrities have a lot of that!

Follow these tips and you’re sure to be approached by fans!

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