Over the weekend, my friend suggested that we cap off our night of insane spring break debauchery (read: drinking wine in a Massachusetts basement) by watching a horror movie. I’m a fan of horror movies, not because I think they’re frightening, but because I think they’re hilarious. I don’t believe in ghosts. CGI aliens and monsters are too ridiculous to scare me. Fantastical gore is usually overdone. I prefer subtle, nuanced gore, thank you very much. There’s almost no character depth, but most of the actors are really good looking, so I’ll play along.
When we finally decided on the movie, my friend sheepishly admitted that he had “seen” it last week. However, he had no idea what happened because he stopped watching about 15 minutes into it. Ah, a classic hookup ploy. Clearly horror movies are not successfully terrifying people if they’ve been reduced to the equivalent of a playlist consisting exclusively of music by The Weeknd.
I miss actually feeling scared by horror movies. It’s kind of humbling to feel vulnerable. It disrupts the sense of invincibility associated with apathy. So let’s forget the exaggerated gore and ridiculous imaginary monsters. Real life is way more frightening. Here’s a list of truly terrifying ideas that will keep you up all night (not in sexual way).
- Having to pee while sitting in the window seat on a plane, but the people in the middle and aisle seats are asleep.
- Adult braces. There are just some mouths that Invisaline cannot fix.
- Liking an Instagram that was posted 67 weeks ago.
- Having a child who listens exclusively to either Radio Disney or Insane Clown Posse.
- Sending an ugly Snapchat to your hookup instead of your friends. Damn you, “Best Friends” List!
- Finding out that the perfect boy with the incredible jaw line and spectacularly tousled hair is a Brony.
- Settling for Kyle, moving to suburbia, and being genuinely excited to try the new recipe on the back of the Hamburger Helper box.
- Turning over in bed and looking at your husband of 30 years like you always have, just to realize that he’s no longer the man you once married and you’ve been in a loveless marriage for years.
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