Vampires don’t scare me anymore. Werewolves don’t scare me anymore. Zombies don’t scare me anymore – unless they are in very realistic movies of the zombie apocalypse, then I get a little bit worried. The last time any of these costumes scared me was when I was in kindergarten and my elementary school had the classic Halloween parade. As kindergartners, we were the first to walk outside to show our costumes off to our parents. Before we walked out though, we had to pass the fifth graders. They lined up against both walls, creating an alleyway of horrifying monsters that led up to the doors. I had to make it through them before I got to my parents – a challenging and horrific feat for a five-year old. I was so scarred from their costumes that every year until second grade I closed my eyes whenever I passed the fifth graders.
Ten-year olds are the least of my worries now. A simple “boo” doesn’t make me want to shit my pants anymore. As a twenty-year old, I have a whole new list of costumes that would make me cringe as if I were an innocent child again. Cue the screams:
A costume of a couple dressed as my parents, but only telling me they’re disappointed in me – this is possibly the worst thing my parents could ever tell me. Instant knife to the heart.
Someone dressed up as me at 40 years old and still on JDate – I have nightmares of living my life without finding love. I would hate to see it actualized.
Someone dressed as my dog refusing to snuggle with me – this costume would just be cruel.
A person dressed as the nurse about to give me the Strep test – my Halloween would be spent in constant fear of someone trying to make me gag. Get away!!!!
Someone dressed as President Christina Paxton P’19 telling me I can’t graduate – CPax, don’t play me like this.
If I do see someone dressed in any of these costumes, I’m going to demand that they stay away from me. As you can tell from my comprehensive list, a teddy bear with one eye would probably scare me. If everyone just dressed up like Minions, we would all have a more relaxing and less frightful Halloween. Can we all just agree to that?
Looking for more in The Rib’s costume department? Check out these if you’re looking to seduce a cutie this Halloween, these if you’re looking to keep your current cutie, and these if, you know, you’re kind of lazy.
3 thoughts on “Halloween Costumes That Would Actually Scare Me Now”