If I had to paint a portrait generalizing my experiences over winter break, it would be a tearcolored (like watercolor, but with my tears) painting of me, lying on a couch with a Christmas blanket and watching TV. For reasons that will remain unwritten due to their upsetting nature, as I do not wish to turn away my vast, loyal fan base with saddening tales, I was largely immobile, emotionally eating, and watching too much TV during my winter break. Yet, one good thing did come out of this largely depressive expanse of time: I found out that the guy who played Aaron Samuels in Mean Girls is the current host of Cake Wars on Food Network.
His name is Jonathan Bennett, a 35 year-old from Ohio. When he was 22, he played Lindsay Lohan’s love interest in what is probably one of the defining films of our generation. You may remember him as “that tall white guy who was bad at math and Cady was better,” or “that tall white guy who didn’t know what the date was on October 3rd and Cady did,” or even “that tall white guy who actually believed swim practice would be in the projection room above the auditorium.” Don’t accept everything you read on a piece of paper taped to a door.
While I was watching episode after episode of Cake Wars, I thought the host looked familiar but couldn’t place him. I was shocked when Wikipedia told me who he was (I asked Siri first but she “didn’t catch that”), for a few reasons.
Number one, physically, they don’t look like the same person. The hair color and style have both changed. Maybe part of it is because his hair isn’t covering his ears anymore. The eyebrows have a lil more oomph to ‘em, like someone discovered the meaning of ‘fleek’ in 2016. I also remember Aaron Samuels as tall and lanky, while Jonathan Bennett 2.0 seems shorter and buffer. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. Watch an episode of Cake Wars and you’ll see what I mean.
Second, the personality is completely different. Yes, I understand that Jonathan Bennett in real life is not Aaron Samuels. But Aaron Samuels was a suave, monotone, slow-talker, and Jonathan Bennet: Cake Wars Edition is so extra. His voice is in a completely different register and his energy is off the wall. Maybe he’s on a perpetual sugar high around all that cake.
Finally, how am I supposed to believe that Aaron Samuels, resident hottie-dumb-boy, could pull his lazy butt off the couch (like I couldn’t over winter break) and become the successful host of a television show? Again, YES, I understand that Jonathan Bennett in real life is not Aaron Samuels…BUT I know for a fact that Jonathan Bennett at the time of Mean Girls was at least similar to his character. And here’s how I know.
There is a scene in Mean Girls when Aaron is supposedly tutoring Cady in math, even though she totally knows all there is to know about math and doesn’t need the assistance of hottie-dumb-boy. After going over a problem, Aaron states, “Yeah, you have to check it because sometimes the product of two negative integers is a positive number.”
Sometimes.
SOMETIMES?
My dear Aaron, this is false. The product of two negative integers is ALWAYS a positive number! My point is, if Jonathan Bennett was largely different from Aaron Samuels, he would have marched up to the director and pointed out the falsehood that lie (lay? lies? I never know) in this line, and it would have been removed from the script. Therefore, Jonathan Bennett = Aaron Samuels = successful host of Cake Wars. Look at that beautiful equation!
Tell me I’m overreaching in making my case here, I dare you. You won’t change my mind. I’ll just keep plugging away in my sophomore year of college, knowing that I am smarter than Aaron Samuels, so if my career plans fail, I can always become the host of a cake show.