Ladies and Gentlemen,
I ask you a simple question. How many times has someone told you “Girls don’t sweat, they glisten?” Once? Forty times? Never? No matter how many times I’ve heard this in conversation it never magically becomes the truth. So here I am, truth-teller and esteemed wise woman, to tell everyone (women and men alike) this simple truth:
Girls sweat.
I am a girl who sweats. I don’t know what “glistening” is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not beads of sweat that run down my forehead as I run on a treadmill. And if someone is trying to tell you that women don’t actually sweat, they are lying to you. Women sweat, everybody! If we didn’t, wouldn’t we overheat and die? We would be dropping like flies at the slightest increase in temperature. And that’s not very advantageous if you actually would like to stay alive.
Now that I’ve dropped that bomb on you, I’ve done my duty. You need read no further, unless of course, you’re interested in learning more about the spectacular phenomenon of women who perspire, or as I like to refer to them, “Sweaty Betties.”
Here are some simple truths about being a woman who sweats.
1. I am so tired of people talking about my sweatiness.
If I see you at the gym, I don’t want you to look at me, let alone talk to me. I’m in the zone you prick! Can’t you see I’m running five miles over here? And if you do pluck up the nerve to speak to me while I’m exercising, why in the world would you remark upon my sweatiness? Are you kidding? I know it’s a surprise to see a sweaty woman but if I am some sort of “rarity” you should probably keep your mouth shut instead of trying to tell me that I’m abnormal.
And no, trying to be cute and remarking that I “don’t look like [I’ve] been working out at all” is not okay either (you know who you are). Don’t bring it up. Do you want me to point your back-sweat out? Two can play this game.
2. I really don’t like the idea of walking up College Hill (or any steep incline).
“Come on! It’s not so bad!” Oh, I’m well aware it’s not bad. I am also well aware that my sweat glands don’t take kindly to changes in altitude while I am taking a stroll. Besides, wouldn’t you much rather I just call an Uber so we can cruise on up together? I thought so!
3. The outfit I’m wearing is incredibly strategic.
Black fabric doesn’t really look sweaty, but it also adds to the volume of both facial and other sweat because it attracts heat in the sun. Flowy fabrics that don’t make contact with my armpits are a real blessing. Tank tops? Sign me up. But I can’t wear tank tops all year round, can I? Let me tell you, sweaters are the worst. They’re a trap and that’s all I’m going to say for now.
4. I love and hate summertime.
Ah, the summer. The only designated season for lounging on the beach, travelling to new places, and trying to stay as dry as physically possible in 90-degree weather. I love the summer, but it’s a minefield of sweaty interactions. I spend all summer just trying to wipe the sweat off my upper lip or conceal the amount of sweat I left on the car seat.
5. The summer is not the only time I sweat.
Take a naturally sweaty person. Put her in four different layers, plus a hat and gloves, and make her speed-walk to class in below-freezing conditions. Now place her suddenly into an overly warm classroom, and watch her struggle to whip all of her layers off. We both know, as she struggles, that it is already too late and that she is already flushed and probably a little sweaty under that sweater. They call it a “sweater” for a reason, don’t they?
Plus, you have no sweaty companions in the winter, and you’re probably the only ridiculously warm person in the room. Time to dab off in the bathroom.
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