Everyone Still Plays Neopets (They’re Lying Otherwise)

Remember last week when your friend reminisced on the nostalgic splendor of Neopets?

“Oh man, I was on Neopets nonstop back in elementary school. Good times.”

Face it: Your friend is hopelessly deceiving you. Those good times are not times of the past — they are the glorious present. Everyone still has an active and prosperous Neopets account, and anyone who suggests otherwise is a treacherous liar. You may be embarrassed, and you may be ashamed, but it is time to cast misery aside, leave the somber shadow of denial, and feed your Neopets.

Even if you “apparently” don’t play Neopets anymore — which is a lie — take a moment to consider the wondrous utopia that is Neopia. There are no student loans on Neopets. Neopians don’t pay sales tax. And while your Neopets might get hungry once in a while, no one ever dies.

Everyone lives forever. Everyone still plays Neopets.

Whenever your mom yelled at you for being on Neopets on the dial-up for so long, it wasn’t because she needed the phone in the family office to call your aunt. It was because you were taking away from her precious Meerca Chase time.

In fifth grade, your teacher banned Neopets from the classroom computers to prevent distraction. Her true motivation? Fear.

“How could I let a group of ten-year-olds establish more profitable shops than me?” she groggily mumbled to herself at her desk while plotting your fall from Neopian grace on an apple-shaped sticky note.

Last semester, your history professor said you could write about whatever you wanted to for your final paper. You wrote about the American Revolution. He replaced the name of every major historical figure with the name of a Neopet. Later that evening, he wrote about how awful your paper was on the Neopets message boards while wallowing in the Neopian economy’s inflation.

You overheard someone complaining about pulling an all-nighter to finish his or her computer science assignment. The next time you hear “computer science,” replace it with “practicing cute HTML on Neopets.” Things make a lot more sense now, don’t they?

Every time you greet your boss at work, know that she visits your Neopets every day to make sure you’re feeding them. That raise you got a few weeks back? Let’s just say it wasn’t your performance at work that impressed her.

Barack Obama? He’s one of those people that actually spends real money on Neopets. Make fun of him all you’d like, but there’s no denying that his pets are a hell of a lot cuter than yours. Don’t be surprised when the next State of the Union address is the State of Neopia instead.

And don’t forget your roommate, the one you want to know better but don’t seem to get along with very well. The unbearable glow of her computer screen at 3 AM isn’t an English paper she’s finishing. Next time the clicking of her keyboard keeps you up, ask her if you want to be Neofriends.

She’ll say yes. Because she knows that you still play Neopets, too.

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