Life & Other Drugs, The Tabloids

Death to Spongebob, Birth of Sadness

October 24, 2016

Unless you live under a rock, you must have heard about the crisis of the century: SpongeBob is set for cancellation. When I received the news, it was as if my humble pineapple abode was shattered, or I had contracted the suds. I felt like Mr. Krabs in the all too famous blur meme, and even more hurt than that one fish who always screams, “My leg!”

This show has been an INTEGRAL part of my life. Plopping on the couch and tuning into the boob tube for episodes on end of SpongeBob made up a large portion of my childhood. It spurred in me a knack for motivating myself in any situation, i.e. “I’m ready!!!” And, I’ll always strive for a friendship at least a small portion as compatible as that of SpongeBob and Patrick. Further, SpongeBob taught me the self-confidence to proudly assert “I’m ugly and I’m proud,” as well as avoid any embarrassment from a pants-wetting situation by just loudly chanting “Soiled it!!!” And, even as much as everyone loves to hate Plankton, he showcased an incredible perseverance that ought to be emulated.

As truly and deeply distraught as I am about this topic, a fellow Brunonian, Gilbert Onu ’20, has reminded me of the one SOLE positive outcome of this:

Everything has to come to an end, but SpongeBob has been a pretty legendary show for people in our age group. If it’s going to end, it’s better to let it end on a good note with quality production, than to have somebody other than the original producers of SpongeBob who had the vision of what SpongeBob really was take over and turn it into a bad show. Then we would remember SpongeBob in a less positive way.

Eloquently stated. But frankly this one outcome isn’t enough to tide me over. In the words of a Krabs-esque robot, “Ravioli, ravioli. Give me the formuoli,” because I can’t even begin to fathom the possibility of dying and never having learned the secret formula…

But, “Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells… smelly?” Yes, Mr. Krabs, I do. I smell something a liiiiiiiitle fishy here, and not just because we’re discussing underwater creatures. Upon intense internet digging and deciphering the fraudulence of various online tabloids, I have made a discovery: some sick fiend created an internet hoax to convince us vulnerable SpongeBob fans that our treasured show was leaving us.

So, what have we learned here? Never forget to count your blessings, and only believe everything you read on the internet MOST of the time. And most importantly: “We don’t need television. Not as long as we have our [insert hand-drawn rainbow] imagination!”

Image via.

You Might Also Like

No Comments

Leave a Reply