Dear Aziz Ansari: A Real Girl’s Review of “Master of None”

Dear Aziz,

Aziz, I’m a fan. Tom Haverford is the main boo, your stand-up makes me pee myself, and Modern Romance is a “sprightly” and rigorous yet surprisingly digestible gem yada yada yada. And Master of None is great. I know it’s great, you know it’s great, it says important things about discrimination in the media, the immigrant experience, the digital age and even takes a daring pro-life stance on old people. But Aziz. Aziz, why did you write a female romantic lead who is so stereotypical it hurts? As one-dimensional as my favorite life-sized cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom as Legolas?? Why this spunky little octopus-loving tree enthusiast who may fulfill your wildest fantasies, but makes earth-dwelling women like myself want to chop off her quirky bangs, deep fry them in pork fat and force feed them to her until she admits she likes meat??

Stay with me here, Aziz. Rachel is that male-formulated chick with a super chill personality, who works in PR for a super chill record label, throws her chill clothes all over the chill floor, and is even chill enough to be in a relationship with another guy when you realize you want in, which makes her oh so temptingly unavailable. And her sense of humor is perfectly adorable. It totally riffs off of Dev’s in a way that makes her just funny enough to keep her leading man entertained but not so funny that her humor at all surpasses his own. Because that would be a deal-breaker according to all the articles I’ve read on the subject. So at least that part of your depiction is realistic, but still unsettling.

Which brings me to the worst part, perhaps, of this whole debacle, which is Rachel’s Mother Teresa-level selflessness when it comes to food. During Rachel and Dev’s unconventional and spontaneous 48-hour first date in Nashville at the barbecue restaurant they selected for dinner, you have this gal confess that she doesn’t eat meat*, nor octopus because of their capacity to form opinions. Opinions?! That’s a ridiculous reason not to eat an animal for your entire adult life! What if they have an opinion on being eaten, and it’s “I’m down for it”? She doesn’t know! But Aziz, it gets worse, as you know. I endured bravely through this scene just to witness your heroine say that she’s really okay with eating just a meager bowl of pickles and a piece of bread for this special dinner of theirs, and then go on to surprise her date by ordering a SECOND SERVING OF MEAT FOR HIM! Obvious metaphors for the traditional female role in society aside, this scenario is unbelievable. Please Aziz, tell me your actual girlfriend is not this girl. PLEASE tell me you don’t want to live in a world where women starve while they watch their boyfriends eat two servings of wings right in front of them… OH WAIT, we ALL live in this world. This is the sad, sad real world. You deserve more than pickles, Rachel! Fight for your right to a portabella burger.

With this disturbing representation of a desirable woman at the forefront of my mind, I can’t say I got too much out of the “feminist” episode. I’m referring to the one entitled “Ladies and Gentlemen,” in which Dev’s lady friends educate him on the daily struggles they face as women and inspire him to take a stand against public masturbation. My main qualm is that Dev’s female friends award him with an entire cake after he misses out on a job opportunity so that a female actress could counteract some traditional gender roles and play the part instead. I know that this episode was written by women, but it’s just so hard to believe when this guy is honored as a feminist hero after one day of being sensitive to our plight! Aziz, it’s about time that shit like this happened on the daily- I’m not about to bake a man a cake for it! If you’re really interested in helping out women, why don’t you give your woman that cake? She’s probably hungry after a hard day of work, and you already had two servings of wings!

As if this weren’t enough, the deepest tidbit we discover about Rachel throughout the season is that she has an unexplored interest in Japanese culture and was in a ska band in high school. Let’s be real Aziz, these honestly sound like they could have been picked off an eHarmony blog helpful list of quirky fun facts.

If we want to talk about an actual feminist episode, maybe write one where Dev goes home with Rachel to her childhood home New Jersey, discovers her issues with her mom, her impressive 4-year winning streak in high school Mock Trial, and how she’s actually questioning her relationship with Dev because she can’t figure out how he lives in an insane apartment in NYC (with a housekeeper) when the only thing he gets paid for is a Go-Gurt commercial from 10 years ago. There is something very creepy there! Why does she move in with you, Aziz? She is the one with the real job!

All in all, Aziz, I think you can tell I’m pretty upset. I don’t like Rachel, and don’t tell her I said this, but I don’t think she exists. But I’ll end with a compliment to take the edge off: your use of Sylvia Plath’s fig tree metaphor, about letting indecision ruin your life, was really right on. As a Libra, I often imagine myself at the end of my life in this way- starving and surrounded by rotting fruit.

Love you forever!

Your pal,

Kristina

*disclaimer: the author is also a vegetarian

**correction: the author is not, nor ever will be a vegetarian.

***addition: the author supports vegetarianism, but provides that it does not align well with her lifestyle.

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