Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill", Satire

How To Cry Silently In Your Midterm (And Other Nifty College Hacks)

March 19, 2017

Everyone says college is the best time of your life, but sometimes it can be just a tad overwhelming. Use these nifty college life hacks to streamline the efficiency of your descent into hell!

  • Leave your flashcards/old quizzes/syllabi strewn haphazardly across your desk. No matter what you’re doing, you’ll always be able to see your neglected responsibilities staring up at you like abandoned puppies. As an added bonus, they’ll get wonderfully stained with food and alcohol and flawlessly pull off a metaphor for your messy life.
  • Waste your limited money on random shit from Amazon. Nothing says joy quite like that “you’ve got a package” email glittering in your inbox every couple of weeks. Also torn-up cardboard boxes and limp bubble wrap are the epitome of chic room decor. Everyone’s going for that lived-in, did-a-raccoon-get-in-here look these days.
  • Live out of a dryer for a week. Sacrifice the respect of the people in your dorm by never ever taking your laundry out of the dryer and simply grabbing it outfit by outfit until it’s all dirty again. This works best if you’re constantly late and/or don’t give a single shit about your appearance or other people.
  • Don’t drink water. “Keep it interesting” for your body by staying in a constant state of mild dehydration. This way, water will taste incredible whenever you actually have a glass, you know, like normal people do. Besides, being dehydrated makes working out extra terrible, so you’ll have a great excuse to not go to the gym. Something along the lines of “Oh, I’ll have to drink some water first,” and then never ever actually moving your raisiny ass.
  • The Dirty Dishes Diet Plan: Get all your mugs and silverware super dirty and then just leave em out. You’ll never overeat because that would require washing them. Bonus points if they start to look gross enough to deter your appetite. Spring break bodies are only a weird smell away!
  • Do your assigned readings on the walk to your class. Cramming it all in last minute keeps the info fresh in your brain for discussion. Panic will sharpen your bullshitting skills. Plus, with your nose in a book you may get run down by a car and then not have to worry about class at all.
  • Wear a huge scarf to your midterms. The wool will soak up your tears and flopsweat and muffle the helpless whimpers. All the support of a security blanket with an added element of fashion!
  • Develop an unhealthy caffeine addiction. Not only will this aid you in your quest to be eternally thirsty, but it’ll also stain your teeth a lovely shade of don’t-approach-me yellow. Nothing makes a 9 am class more survivable than indulging in mild drug use. Think of your addiction to coffee as an investment in a character-building moment in your future when you try to quit it an inevitably fail.
  • Stay consistently unprepared. Asking that cute guy in your bio class for a pen is a wonderful icebreaker. Losing it and asking for another the next day is a great way to let him know you are terrible with responsibility and memory. Weed out the people who refuse to deal with your shit, and find the ones who can look blindly past it!

With these hacks, any wee undergrad can work her way to the top! Just don’t forget to balance these with classes, homework, making money, human contact, nutrition, basic hygiene, and the will to carry on. Happy Learning!

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