Today, while “preparing” for one of my many impending exams, I stumbled across a Youtube link to Chris Brown’s 2012 single, “Don’t Judge Me.” Needless to say, I am going to spend the next 500 words judging him. For that song.
I know I’m a little late to the game, but are you kidding me, Chris? “Don’t Judge Me?” That’s like yelling “I’m naked! Don’t look!” in a changing room. All this is going to do is bring more attention to everything you don’t want people to notice. I know you’re making an attempt to write it off as a song about some girl who you’ve been fighting with, who’s upset with you for some petty hookup or other completely normal occurrence. Your audience, on the other hand, sees right through that. Instead, they’re thinking, “Thanks, Chris, for reminding me to judge you.” We see right through you, Chris. We see into your soul. This song is really your way of saying, “Yeah, I hit Rihanna way back in the day, but we’re cool now. So can we all just move on please?”
Uh, no. Sorry. We can’t.
Let’s take a look at some of “Don’t Judge Me”‘s beautiful lyrics:
“I don’t wanna go there” (Uh, you’re the one who brought it up.)
“We should never go there” (You are taking me there. Right now.)
“Why you wanna go there?” (You’re the one who wants to go there.)
“I guess I gotta go there” (Guess so??)
“You’re hearing rumours about me and you can’t stomach the thought / Of someone touching my body when you’re so close to my heart.” (HAHAHA, touching YOUR body? That’s rich.)
“I won’t deny what they saying because most of it is true / but it was all before I fell for you.” (Translation: Yeah, I did it. But it was sooo long ago, and I’m never going to do it again, I promise. Statistically, men do it once and then never again, right?)
“So please babe / So please don’t judge me.” (For hitting my girlfriend.)
“And I won’t judge you.” (For, you know, snoring when you sleep, having broccoli in your teeth, being grumpy when you’re on your period, laughing in the library, or “kind of” liking Justin Bieber’s new song. Completely equivalent things.)
“Cause it could get ugly before it gets beautiful.” (Okay, that’s just not okay. Are you kidding? That’s a joke, right?)
“And I’ve been through this so many times / Can we change the subject?” (Again, YOU BROUGHT IT UP.)
“Take me as I am, not who I was. I promise I’ll be, the one that you can trust.” (Who you were = someone who abused the woman he was with. Who you are = someone who abused the woman he was with.)
You see that, Chris Brown? I just judged you for a full five hundred words, and will probably go to the grave judging you. Oh, also, what the hell is this video? You’re trying to atone for your sins by boarding a spaceship and going off to blow some aliens up??? What???
No, we don’t forgive you, and no one has stopped judging you. Your bleached hair makes you look like 90’s Justin Timberlake, only not dreamy. Plus you have no soul. Oh, and “Don’t Wake Me Up” is a terrible song. You are dismissed.
Image via.