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On "The Hill", Uncategorized

The Blue Room #exposed

October 11, 2017

Former Brown University president, Henry Wriston, once proclaimed The Blue Room as “the boldest experiment [he had] ever seen.” That was in 1939.

Today… not so much. Sure, it’s a social hub, a muffin hub, and an after-4 p.m. hub. It may scream “let’s meet for awkward coffee,” “sure, I get work done in here” and “I’m social, bitch!” But, bold? Nah. BLUE?   Not even. It’s as blue as a JetBlue terminal… which is to say, not at all. It’s floor to ceiling white. This might be a call to The Blue Room’s 1970s nickname, which was, I kid you not, the “Airport Lounge”—a name that says: I’m just gonna pretend that I’m boarding a flight to Budapest and never coming back! Sorry, econ exam. Continue Reading…

On "The Hill", Satire, Uncategorized

Rules for Brown 2021 Because I’m Your Mom Now

September 27, 2017

Welcome to Brown, Class of 2021. By now, you’ve probably slurped vodka from a ladle on the roof of Metcalf, slept through your 3 P.M., and peed on the fire you started with three Ratty to-go boxes and an iClicker outside of the Anne Marie Brown Crypt without any consequence. “College is great!” you exclaim, pouring an entire bowl of pho into your backpack. “No parents, dude!”

That’s cute.

Did you really think you’d be free from parental clutches at this institution? Sucks to suck, but your mothers have given me custody of all 1,791 of you. That’s right; I am your legal guardian now. You have all been reborn from my womb and you better believe that I have some serious rules for you to follow around here. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill", Satire, Uncategorized

My Story: I Got a Record Deal from Humming in the Ratty

April 21, 2017

My trip to the Ratty started like any other. I got up from my table and started humming a tune the second my foot hit ground because I can’t stand to be alone with my thoughts for more than a moment. I shamelessly continued to showcase my vocal talent at the peanut butter station. I know what you’re thinking, and no, this wasn’t a teeny tiny hum, audible only to me and to dogs with enormous, floppy ears. I was humming from the heart, and the people around me definitely heard. I mean, it’s just humming. I wasn’t full out SINGING like a weirdo; I was merely producing a wordless tone through my nose with my mouth sealed shut like that time capsule my middle school buried. When are we gonna open that thing, anyway?

I guess I’m kind of weird like that, but I love humming! I did choir in high school, so it comes really naturally. I also tried out for a cappella at Brown, so, like, duh. Just one of my quirks, I guess!

Not everyone shares my passion for the art form. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hummed a ditty while in line for an omelette. In those moments, I am in my own little world — until the person in front of me says, “What?” and I have to explain, “I didn’t say anything.”

But last Tuesday, I didn’t have to do any explaining. I had just finished my meal, so I got up to bus my plate. I fell back on one of my favorite melodies: The “Five Dollar Foot Long” song on repeat. As I scraped rice pilaf into the compost bin to the beat of the tune, a woman approached me. I steeled myself for a trash-related insult, but when I looked in her eyes, I saw tears of awe.

Image result for tears of joy

“I heard you humming, and I recognized your immense talent. I’m so glad you shared your gift with every single person you pass by in here,” she gushed, laying out the paperwork.

And then I signed a deal with Interscope Records!

I know, I know, it’s crazy. What are the odds that a talent scout would compost her food in a student dining hall just in time to hear the musical stylings of a virtuoso like myself? All those years of friends and family begging me to stop humming at “inappropriate times.” All the accusations of humming loudly for the attention — I mean, yeah, I occasionally work a riff into “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” but I do that for me. I thought my biggest contribution was my ability to get songs stuck in the heads of all who cross my path… Turns out, my greatest strength is my angelic voice that has been dying to come out this whole time.

I’ve been with my label for a week now, and recording is going really well! The sound engineers don’t love that I keep humming during the instrumental intros, but like, that’s my brand, ya know? I know I’m going to be a big star — even though my vocal cords only work when I’m holding a plate from the Roots and Shoots line.

Image via and via.

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Binge-Watching TV Addict or Seeker of Love?

April 14, 2017

When I think of my ideal Saturday night, I don’t think of snuggling with a dreamy man, 6’4 with dark hair and matching dark eyes, who embraces me with the firmness, but gentleness of his glorious arms. I don’t think of ripping shots at any of the two bars students go to in Providence and then dancing on the table, while everyone watches in awe of my confidence and flawlessness.

I think of planting my ass on my couch in front of my television, cutting off all forms of communication, and watching up to 10 hours worth of the same show. Give me my favorite food (ranging anywhere from sushi to a nice Bolognese) and, honestly, I probably could die right there: a happy, but lonely, woman.

You may think I’ve brought this addiction, if that’s what we want to call it, upon myself. But I kind of just slipped into it. Actually, I like to think, we all just slip into it.

You see, it’s a cycle. Someone recommends a show to you, preferably one that’s been on for a while that you just never got around to watching. You watch the pilot, and after that, you need to watch the second episode, just to make sure you really like the show. You know what, just watch episodes three and four to really confirm. The characters are still developing and coming into their own, you need a little more time to get to know them. And also, any streaming site just plays the episode right away, without you having to hit the “watch next” button. So, the show is already on – you might as well keep watching.

Before you know it, you’re halfway through the first season, so you might as well just finish it. As if you all of a sudden blacked out, you find yourself at the end of the series, 6 seasons later, looking for a new show. Thus, someone recommends you a new show to fill both your time and joy. The cycle begins again.

However, I’m not watching shows that could potentially make me more cultured, and therefore better me. I’m not addicted to cult series like Game of Thrones or award winning and informative series like O.J.: Made in America. Instead, I find myself within the depths of the reality TV show world, watching series like Keeping Up With the Kardashians, every season and spin off of The Bachelor, and my new, personal favorite, MTV’s Are You The One? When I binge these shows, I form shallow and callous relationships with cast members. I can’t tell yet whether my decision to watch these types of shows says anything about me, although I’ve gotten numerous suggestions.

But don’t knock these shows until you’ve given them a proper chance! In just three days of watching Are You The One?, my roommate and I made a spreadsheet to determine who is who’s perfect match. To give you some background on this groundbreaking show, it’s a show in which 10 women and 10 men, who are horrible in relationships, live in a house together in some tropical vacation spot. They all undergo a “scientific test” that determines who their perfect match is within the house. They have ten tries to figure out everyone’s perfect match. If they can all do it, they all win one million dollars. If they can’t, they pursue careers advertising on Instagram.

But the show really gets down to the age old question – can your true love be right in front of you without you ever knowing? For me personally, I hope that’s not the case – mainly because I haven’t met Ryan Gosling yet. While I’m in this trance of binge watching this supposedly “junkie” show, I’m learning a thing or two about love. So, essentially, I’m not an addict of ridiculous reality TV shows. I’m a person who is extremely curious about the human psyche and this experiment of whether perfect matches truly exist!

Image via.

 

On "The Hill", Satire, Uncategorized

Solo Spring Breaker

March 24, 2017

I’m about to experience my first spring break as a college student. I’ve seen all those quintessential movies about people going crazy during spring break. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I will not be spending spring break getting lost in Cancún with five friends that look like supermodels and waking up with a bad tattoo. Instead, I’ll be going home for spring break. For some reason, I imagined it would be an idyllic week of bonding with all the friends that I miss from back home. But in reality, none of my friends have the same spring break as I do. In fact, most of my own family won’t even be home during the week. So, if your spring break is looking as lit as mine is at this point, please enjoy this list of solo spring break activities.

 

1) Be a Woooo Girl by yourself.

Scream “Wooooooooooooo!” in super loud voice, as if you’ve taken a love shot with all your girlfriends at a trendy bar. Make sure that you are completely sober. It’s a lot more fun that way. I’m sorry if you startle your dog.

 

2) Swim some laps at your local public pool.

It’s essentially the same thing as enjoying the sand and the surf at a hip beach resort. You might not be able to frolic in the waves, but you’ll have fun throwing on a sexy swim cap.

 

3) Pretend you’re on a road trip while you drive to Trader Joe’s.

You probably have to go grocery shopping at some point during the week so that you don’t starve. Take this opportunity to imagine that you’re going to a music festival or someplace equally chic. Sing along loudly to classics like “Tik Tok” and “Boom Boom Pow” that are nostalgic for the whole crew. Silently reminisce about your favorite memories and inside jokes.

 

4) Bother your friends that are still in high school

Everyone loves that alum that hangs out at their old high school all the time, right? Interrupt classes until your old teachers find a polite way to kick you out. Convince everyone that you’re a super cool college student and dole out sage advice like “Go to office hours” and “Try new things.” I’m sure people will appreciate your unwavering presence. Bonus points if you manage to make it to your elementary or middle school and hang out on the swing set alone.

 

5) Sleep

Sleep is here for you when people aren’t. You’ll have the rare opportunity to start school feeling refreshed while everyone else is still hungover. It’s important to be especially alert as you peruse all the new Facebook albums to intensify your jealousy.

 

Images via and via.

Life & Other Drugs, Uncategorized

How to Win Free Time and Influence Your Life

March 20, 2017

I’m awaiting Spring Break with bated breath.  My daydreams have powered me through many holed up nights in the 3rd floor stacks of the Rock, giving me the extra juice to reread my notes for the 5th time, and retain absolutely no additional information. (It’s quantity not quality that counts, people).

But contrary to the stereotypical components of a college spring break, my dream break has a few, slightly… different components.  In lieu of warm temperatures, extravagant lodging, endless streams of booze, and #goodtimez spent with friends, I have opted for the 40°F Appalachian Trail, a tent with my dad, and copious amounts of baked beans. Is that not basically the same thing??  I’d say so.

I’m not kidding you when I say this is EXACTLY the Spring Break I want, but it appears that my dad seems not to share the same view.  By this I mean, he has been slyly, and not so slyly, attempting to get out of our hiking plans—rude!!!  But this guy was in the Army— I thought he’d be dying for this trip!  Apparently, not so much…. Frankly, I think anyone in the business of looking for more effective routes to avoid plans can learn a thing or two from my dad.  This man has become a master of avoidance in an INCREDIBLY annoying way, but also in an extremely effective way.

He has been employing some nasty fear tactics.  Since my initial proposal of the hike, I have received an article approximately every other day detailing the tragic death of some poor hiker who became a ferocious grizzly bear’s dinner.  I’m 75% sure the majority of these are the production of some knock-off The Onion, but I’ll admit they’ve had an effect.  He has coupled these articles with links to several bear-repellant shops, HIGHLY insinuating that we will have cause to use the spray.  Chill with the fearmongering, Dad!!!  However, I’ll admit it’s broken down my determination to hike just a bit.  So, if you reallyyyyy wanna stay in on a Friday night and your friends are pestering you, take a lesson from my dad and whip out some scary stuff.  Because sometimes, unless you’re Ron Swanson, flat out saying no doesn’t do the trick.

Shoot your friends excessive articles about creepy uber drivers.  That’ll be SURE to get you out of any plans.  While you’re at it, remind them of that midterm they have on Monday that will MOST CERTAINLY not be helped by a wasted Friday night.  Nothing scares every Brunonian’s (not so) inner nerdiness more than the prospect of a bad grade.

My dad has also taken to barraging me with all the various prices associated with the trip.  It’s overwhelming—what even the hell is a bear bell???  Or a 3D Robotics 3-Axis Solo Gimbal?  I could not tell you. I’m betting half of the things on this list my dad has produced are unnecessary, but the numbers are still adding up.  So, if you’re working to avoid any sort of non-lateral movement, I suggest you point out the costs associated with whatever it is people are attempting to rope you into— i.e. an exorbitant cover charge, surged uber prices, an inevitable $3 waste to wash the shirt someone spilled red wine on, and general wear and tear on your muscles. These are sure to do the trick.

I’m sure your application of these tactics will be successful, but I don’t think my father’s attempts with them are going to work.  Because here he is googling the Appalachian Trail:

So I guess his maneuvers weren’t effective enough. *insert self-satisfied smirk*

Images via, via, and Christine Antoniou.

Uncategorized

Long Live Flea

November 3, 2016

Ladies, gentlemen, friends, family, esteemed colleagues –

I am writing today to inform you of an important issue. Rather, an important person. In my life. And soon to be yours.

Rolling Stone‘s second-best bassist of all time: Flea. That’s right, Mike B the Flea – the bassist for the esteemed musical group Red Hot Chili Peppers. This man.

Image result for flea red hot chili peppers

Now, you may ask, what’s up with Flea? Who is this guy? And why do I care?

Well, Flea was born and raised in Mount Waverley, Victoria, which makes that the coolest part of Australia, hands down. As a child, he had charged relationships with his father and stepfather (dads, am I right?), which formed in him a propensity for the punk rock lifestyle. Enter Anthony Kiedis, current frontman and lead singer of RHCP. Kiedis was like, “Yo, lay some slick bass on this track, man,” and the world was changed forever. In fact, that was the first time Flea ever picked a bass guitar up.* And look at him now – world-renowned slapper of the bass, man.

Flea also went on to voice Donny in The Wild Thornberries, which is a key part of his identity, in my opinion. Still confused about why any of this matters? Check this out:

Yes, there is a man behind that voice. It is Flea. Flea is Donny. Also, Flea was in Back to The Future II and III. Another incredibly illuminating fact about him. Still not getting it? Look at this picture.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - NOVEMBER 13: Musician Flea arrives at the Los Angeles premiere of Focus Features' "Milk" held at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences on November 13, 2008 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Valerie Macon/Getty Images)

Yeah, you get it now.

Oh, and the last question – why should you care?

Well, my friend, if you don’t know the answer to that, then I guess we’re done here.

 

*This is simply not true. Just makes for a better story, I guess.

Images via, via, and via

Life & Other Drugs, Satire, Uncategorized

Halloween Costumes for Candidates

October 26, 2016

Americans are eagerly anticipating the big, spooky day that comes once a year and strikes fear into the hearts of all citizens. And they’re excited for Halloween, too!

Yes, Election Day is terrifying, but we mustn’t forget about everyone’s favorite candy-oriented holiday. Heck, the candidates haven’t! Despite their intense campaign schedules, the nominees are committed to dressing up this year. The Rib had the pleasure of interviewing these politicians, and we’ve got the scoop on their crazy costumes!

Republican nominee Donald Trump informed us of his original plan to dress as a cow with Billy Bush; however, following the vulgar video leak, Bush left the Today Show and cancelled his Halloween plans. Trump tried to ask why, but Bush was unreachable after the deletion of his Twitter account.

Mr. Trump will follow through, though, and plans to wear “just the butt end” of the two-person cow suit. He failed to find the humor in our “grab her by the udder” jokes.

Continue Reading…