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The Tabloids

Satire, The Tabloids

Is the End of Trump Closer Than We May Think?

November 22, 2017

2017 has been a rough year, and there’s been a lot to worry about. I’ve been really worried! All our news is fake, all our politicians are gross sex criminals and the new eps of Curb are definitively less dry and irreverent than the earlier ones. More concerning than all that, however, is that I’ve realized that our commander-in-chief, the most glorious and infallible being in this hemisphere (respects to Kim Jr.) is heavily vulnerable to assassination. Continue Reading…

The Tabloids

The Rib’s Tomatoes: Definitely Stranger Than Other Things

November 6, 2017

Welcome back to Rib’s Tomatoes! This week, we’ll be reviewing Stranger Things 2, the latest season of the critically acclaimed Netflix series which dropped last Friday right before Halloween. Ooooo, strange and spooky!

This season was certainly stranger (nice) than the show’s premiere season. But is it objectively better? Let’s unpack that a little:

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Life & Other Drugs, The Tabloids

The Rib’s Tomatoes: A Gal’s Guide To This Summer’s Box Office Hits

October 2, 2017

Hey everyone, it’s me, your local movie critic, your rag time gal, here to help you out with a pop culture pickle. Did you watch any of the top blockbuster films this summer? Probably not, considering that this has been reported to be the worst summer box office record in ten years. Why didn’t you watch more movies, Tiffany? Why didn’t you satiate the corporate monster’s big, big appetite?

Anyways, I took a cinema class this summer and I’m in an introductory MCM course this semester, so I am definitely qualified to give you the low-down on all the hot summer flicks. These bite-sized, quirky yet poignant reviews will aid you tremendously when you’re trying to awkwardly flirt/make small talk with people at parties.

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It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, The Tabloids

The Dangers of Online Bikini Shopping

April 27, 2017

I hate online shopping. I don’t understand how people do it. The clothes never look as good as they did online, or they don’t fit, or they arrive two weeks later than they were supposed to, or all of the above. I avoid online shopping at all costs, and would much prefer to waste hours at the mall in order to find several items that I am 100% sure about buying, than to spend 20 minutes accidentally spending crazy amounts of money on 4 pairs of shoes that I most likely won’t be able to squeeze my feet into and will consequently have to return. Also! I hate returning things. Why has no one invented a high-tech solution where you can just snap your fingers and get your money back and be freed from the object you don’t want taking up space in your room. Like are you seriously telling me I actually need to repackage and re-mail this thing I don’t even want all by myself, in order to get my own money back??! The inhumanity. Continue Reading…

On "The Hill", The Tabloids

How to Look Famous Around Campus

April 11, 2017

I’ve been rocking some pretty sweet looks around campus lately. So sweet, in fact, a number of strangers have come up to me asking for my autograph. “Oh my goodness, you must be that celebrity everyone is talking about! You look so famous!” they yell, pushing autograph books in my face and taking pictures with me. Much to my own dismay, I am not a celebrity. But, I can share these quick fashion tips that will help you look famous and get noticed around campus.

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Life & Other Drugs, The Tabloids

Faking It: My Pop Culture Knowledge Is a Lie

March 10, 2017

At the risk of permanently destroying my carefully manicured image, I would like to make a confession: I am guilty of making pop culture references that I am not at all qualified to make. Maybe this means that I’m a terrible person. Maybe it just means that I’m stealthy and sneaky, like the cool spy kid I always wanted to be (which is funny because I’ve never seen Spy Kids). It’s not that I’m above admitting that I’m woefully uneducated in the popular (and even unpopular) media department. I can own that. In the past fifteen months, I have seen exactly two movies in theaters, and not many more outside of theaters. I know there have been good movies. I know that I would probably love some of them. So yeah, keep telling me that I have to go see X,Y, and Z. I’ll smile and nod, but don’t hold your breath—it’s not happening.

And as for TV shows? I’m currently watching Friends for the first time if that tells you anything. (So much. It should tell you so much.) My knowledge of early-2000s PBS shows is decent (Between the Lions still has my heart), and I’m well versed in the joys of the Food Network, but staying up to date with anything recent is just too much for me.

The only TV family I need.

Celebrities? My knowledge of them is a complete joke too. I was talking to someone about how great Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are, and then I realized I don’t think I’ve actually seen either of them act in anything. I’ve just seen a few too many “Celebrity Couples Who Make Us Believe In Love Again” listicles, and so I feel like I know them personally. What a fraud I am.

Somehow, my brain has still amassed a collection of random characters, movies, and anecdotes to sprinkle into conversation and writing. I’ve definitely pulled this stunt in Rib posts—that Frozen reference? Yeah, I’ve never seen Frozen. Sue me. But I also don’t live under a rock, so I know that there’s a snowman named Olaf and a reindeer named Sven and an obnoxiously catchy song called “Let It Go,” and that’s been enough to get me through so far.

So where does all of this knowledge come from? If I wanted to remain mysterious, I’d offer you the vague explanation that my family often uses: “I read a lot.” But since I’m already baring my soul to you with this confession, there’s really no point hiding the rest of it. A lot of it comes from Buzzfeed quizzes and listicles—Which Celebrity Couple Are Your and Your BFFL, Which Disney Princess’s Shoes Are You, 18 Gifs from 90s Sitcoms That All Younger Siblings Will Relate To, etc., etc. It’s amazing how much mindless, scrollable media a spongy brain with a still-developing prefrontal cortex can absorb. I’ve also stored a lot of references from episodes of Gilmore Girls (they pack a lot into forty-two minutes), tabloid headlines in the grocery store checkout line, and shameless borrowing of the pop culture “with-it-ness” of my much hipper friends. I catalog their infinite wisdom and save it for a rainy day.

Do you want to be just like me? Honestly, it’s pretty easy. I recommend a healthy twenty minutes of pop culture exercise every day—watch some #educational and #wholesome Snap stories, scroll through Buzzfeed, ask your friends about the latest episode of [Insert Relevant Show Name Here], watch celebrities play silly games with Jimmy Fallon. And then start dropping those references like you’ve got nothing to lose. Once you start, it’s hard to stop. Sort of like how when the balloon house in Up starts going up, it just won’t stop. (Is that what happens? I’ve never seen Up, but I know there are balloons on a house and I’m assuming they are supposed to make it float…) And remember, don’t shoot for the stars if you’re not ready, because then you might end up stranded in space like Matt Damon. Nailed it.

Image via.

The Tabloids

Which Mariah Carey Mishap Are You?

March 2, 2017

Self-graded. Keep track of your answers!

What’s your biggest Mariah Carey jam?

A. “Touch My Body”

B. “We Belong Together”

C. “All I Want for Christmas Is You”

D. “Obsessed”

E. I can’t pick. I’m a MC super fan!

 

What’s your philosophy about love?

A. Everyone’s replaceable. Either you worship the ground I walk on, or you take a hike.

B. There’s a special someone out there for everyone.

C. I just want to find someone to cozy up next to. Hot chocolate, fireplace, bearskin rug – the works.

D. Hit and quit, baby. What’s commitment?

E. I can’t wait to marry my best friend.

 

What’s your best asset?

A. My ability to let things roll off my back.

B. I’m the boss. I always know how to take charge.

C. I’m a lot of fun to be around!

D. I never let people push me around – I’m assertive, but not aggressive.

E. I sparkle! Look at me go!

 

You’re on Netflix. What’s in your “Continue Watching” queue?

A. Clueless

B. The Notebook

C. Love Actually

D. The Grudge

E. Footloose

 

Worst memory of your adolescence?

A. I really flubbed at the school talent show. I may or may not have fallen off the stage.

B. My high school boyfriend broke up with me for my best friend. But it’s cool – I just dated his best friend.

C. I walked into school with my underwear on the outside of my pants. Whoops.

D. Someone spread a nasty rumor about me, and it never went away.

E. I went all out at prom. Someone filmed me dancing and put it online – talk about a lack of coordination. Yikes!

 

If you got:

MOSTLY A’s: You’re the infamous New Years Eve performance.

You don’t let anybody tell you how to do you, and you certainly don’t mess around with bad sound designers. If you can’t hear your backing track, you can’t hear it! Not your fault. People pay attention to you, and though others might think that’s more of a curse than a blessing, you know that all press is good press. Keep loving yourself and the world will follow suit.

MOSTLY B’s: You’re her breakup with billionaire fiancee James Packer for backup dancer/inevitable fuckboi Bryan Tanaka.

When it comes to love, you’re not going to settle for less (less being, in this case, a million dollar ring and the occasional double yacht vacation – one for you, one for your boo, of course). Honestly though, can you blame yourself? Look at that MAN. Good for you, MC.

MOSTLY C’s: You’re the “All I Want for Christmas Is You” Catastrophe.

OMG, clean your shit up! You’re lucky people love you so much – otherwise, you’d be totally lost. You’re a wholesome, well-intentioned soul that sometimes makes a mess, and who certainly didn’t see any of this “adulthood” stuff coming. How do you pay bills? What’s a G-Call? You’re just trying to spend time with your friends and have a good time, and who can blame you for not having time to do your work?

MOSTLY D’s: You’re that beef with Eminem from back in the day.

Anyone who messes with you better be prepared to face the consequences. You’re willing to go to any length to get revenge on your enemies – you might even write a song about them, then make a music video for that song in which you dress up as them, then pretend to stalk yourself. Watch your back, Nick Cannon.

MOSTLY E’s: You’re the hot mess of a performance from the 1998 World Music Awards.

In the end, your clumsiness is an asset. Your friends think it’s endearing that you feel uncomfortable on the dance floor, or that you’ve tripped up the steps a couple times. You used to feel a lot more insecure, but over time you’ve come to realize that you’re great the way you are. Still, at times you wish things were different and that you could bust a move like everyone else. Two words: dance class!

NONE OF THE ABOVE: You’re Mariah Carey herself! Congratulations, you fabulous tramp.

 

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Life & Other Drugs, Satire, The Tabloids

Donald Trump’s Oscar Reaction Tweets

March 2, 2017

So the Oscars were this past weekend. Lots of drama, cookies falling from the ceiling, mildly racist jokes by Jimmy Kimmel, robbing of Lin-Manuel’s EGOT, and the revolutionary win of Moonlight. Our so-called “president” has yet to tweet about any of the events of the night, but when he does, I imagine they’ll look a little like this:

Image via.

Life & Other Drugs, The Tabloids

All Aboard!

March 1, 2017

If listening to Kacey Musgraves in earnest has taught me anything, it’s to stay connected to my ~roots~. So in an attempt to stay connected to my home state of Kentucky while following my arrow in the bustling metropolis that is Providence, I’ve been reading local Kentucky news. Continue Reading…