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Satire

Satire, The Tabloids

Is the End of Trump Closer Than We May Think?

November 22, 2017

2017 has been a rough year, and there’s been a lot to worry about. I’ve been really worried! All our news is fake, all our politicians are gross sex criminals and the new eps of Curb are definitively less dry and irreverent than the earlier ones. More concerning than all that, however, is that I’ve realized that our commander-in-chief, the most glorious and infallible being in this hemisphere (respects to Kim Jr.) is heavily vulnerable to assassination. Continue Reading…

Satire

10 Signs You’re the Fred of Your Gang

November 12, 2017

1. You are a teenaged Caucasian male with blond hair, a white sweater, blue pants and a trademark orange ascot.

If you’re a white guy age 16-24 who looks like a cross between a ski instructor and a Banana Republic mannequin, you might be a Fred! You’re a moderate republican who owns exactly one outfit, which includes an orange scarf you tie around your neck to feel like a wealthy race horse owner with timeshares he never visits. But you’re not. You’re just a regular asshole. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Satire

Ask Me Why I’m Drinking: Family Reunion Edition

November 9, 2017

I come from a big family and religiously attend our annual family reunion every fall. Some people do their worshiping in church, I do mine around a buffet table of casseroles and homemade sour pickles.  But I’m not going to lie, after attending more than twenty of these shindigs, I’m itching for a little drama. My relatives consume their weight in chocolate milk (it’s the dairy farming roots in all of us) and swap brownie recipes and look genuinely happy to see each other. I’ve watched enough movies and television shows to know that this isn’t normal. Seriously, I’m pretty sure we’ve never had a brawl or a fist-fight or even a mild tussle. This year, as I sat digesting my lunch and listening to the polite chit-chat around me, I started musing on what would add a little excitement.  As a new member of the 21+ club, my thoughts naturally turned to alcohol.  My own family wasn’t delivering on the boozy shenanigans and drama, but what might another family be like? I began to fantasize about a real, “normal” family, and thus, Ask Me Why I’m Drinking, the cringe-worthy game show you never knew you needed (until now), was born.

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Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, Satire

How to Read The News Without Having The World’s Worst Emotional Meltdown

November 5, 2017

I used to love reading the news, but now I absolutely hate it. Why? Because everything sucks.

In all seriousness, it can be really hard to maintain a sense of humor when it feels like the world is ending all the time. I’m not even joking when I say that I feel mildly nauseated every time I see a news alert from the New York Times, the Washington Post, or CNN flash across my phone. It’s really hard work to stay updated and to keep track of new information when the process of reading news is so emotionally draining—but it’s nothing that a well-constructed listicle can’t fix. So, here are my well-researched tips on how to read the news without feeling like Grade A trash on the inside:

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On "The Hill", Satire

How to Fit in With Your CS Friends (The Ultimate Guide)

November 1, 2017

Do you think Java is a fancy word for coffee and that Python is a random term for a snake? Are you more likely to be found crying about your final paper than a coding project? Tired of feeling left out when your friends send snaps from the CIT?

Then you’re in the right place. This guide is made for you. This semester, I am taking my first computer science class at Brown and I’ve learned a lot. The main thing I’ve learned is that the department list serv sends too many emails, but that’s just a footnote of the CS grind. For all you lost humanities students, who are following their dreams or something weird like that, I’m going to give you a practical guide on how to pretend that you’re a CS concentrator, even if you don’t understand how to turn a computer on. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Satire

Is My Depression Cured Or Am I Just Listening to Too Much Reggaeton?

November 1, 2017

It’s an easy mistake to make. One day, you’re walking down the street and see a couple holding hands, and somehow, instead of wishing them and their whole lineage a long, painful death (as punishment for their romantic exhibitionism), you smile, and you think to yourself, “You know what, it is a nice day out. I’m so happy these two lovebirds are out in the world, enjoying themselves. Love is a wonderful thing.”

You stop walking. You’re shocked. You reflect back on your whole existence, and are surprised to see a genuinely positive, kind-hearted, and self-attuned response to what would have previously been a rage-inducing incident. You ask yourself: Self, why am I not being a bitter, unpleasant bitch? Am I, mayhaps, on my period? But then, you notice you’re engaging in the greatest self-healing act of all: you’re listening to reggaeton, and now you’re not sure if you are truly cured from your nihilistic depressive thought-patterns, or if you’re just listening to a really poppin’ jam.

Does this sound familiar to you? It should. It’s a nationwide problem. What, you think the rise of Despacito and the surge of Trump’s America aren’t correlated? Think again, muchachos. We’re all just trying to fix ourselves with a little Latin flare. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Satire

The Refined Art of the FinkedIn

October 27, 2017

I’ll be perfectly, painfully honest: I don’t have a LinkedIn. As a young (relative), accomplished (debatable) woman of STEM, it genuinely pains me to say that not only do I not have a LinkedIn, I don’t even have a resume. To be clear, it’s not that I lack content, because lord knows I didn’t slave through volunteer jobs and lab hours to let that golden shit go undocumented, but it’s more that typing it all out and topping it with a well-lit, shoulders-up profile photo makes me look like a frigid, stiff-armed, goodie-three-shoes, “welcome to Sears can I help you find anything”  lil dork. And I really just don’t think that’s how I’d like my future employers to see me. I identify as a cool girl, a fun girl, maybe even a (dare I say) dream girl–not the square that every aspect of my professional history paints me to be. Hell, I wanna work at Google. They have a fricken slide. Continue Reading…