Browsing Category



February 7, 2018

Hey guys, it’s Patti (@theparanoidbitch on Twitter) back with another #TheoryThursday. I just gotta start off by saying that we here at have not received a single request for this one but we’re gonna go for it anyway. Just get ready for me to permanently alter your sense of reality. You will feel physically sober but emotionally intoxicated.

I never watch the Super Bowl. If I wanted to see an ass that tight in some spandex I could just turn around. I am, however, a dedicated viewer of Animal Planet’s yearly broadcast of the Puppy Bowl, which offers canine-centric football-fun without the threat of severe concussion-based brain damage. It was whilst a pup made a leap for the 40-yard line that I saw a tweet featuring Tom Brady’s pre-game costume (pictured above). It was then that I saw the modern age flash before my very eyes as I realized an undeniable truth: Tom Brady is Kris Jenner. Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, Satire

My Application for Four Weddings

December 4, 2017

To Whom It May Concern at Casting for TLC’s “Four Weddings:”

Hello. My name is Sarah Clapp and I would like to be on “Four Weddings” because I love eating chicken saltimbocca that has been sitting in a buffet tub for 4 hours and criticizing tulle. Moreover, I am the perfect bride for “Four Weddings” because I will be going to four weddings in the next four months and they are all mine. Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, Love & Romance, Satire, The Tabloids

What Would Dua Lipa Do?

November 30, 2017

I only know three things about latest pop sensation Dua Lipa. One is that she’s freaking gorgeous in a way that makes me question whether I want to be her or on her. Two is that she should definitely try to get a lip gloss deal with Sephora or something with a name like that. And three, she has got to be a total badass who gives really solid advice. I mean, you’ve heard “New Rules.” You’ve been strong enough to not contact your ex, right? All because of Mother Dua. Continue Reading…

Satire, The Tabloids

Is the End of Trump Closer Than We May Think?

November 22, 2017

2017 has been a rough year, and there’s been a lot to worry about. I’ve been really worried! All our news is fake, all our politicians are gross sex criminals and the new eps of Curb are definitively less dry and irreverent than the earlier ones. More concerning than all that, however, is that I’ve realized that our commander-in-chief, the most glorious and infallible being in this hemisphere (respects to Kim Jr.) is heavily vulnerable to assassination. Continue Reading…


10 Signs You’re the Fred of Your Gang

November 12, 2017

1. You are a teenaged Caucasian male with blond hair, a white sweater, blue pants and a trademark orange ascot.

If you’re a white guy age 16-24 who looks like a cross between a ski instructor and a Banana Republic mannequin, you might be a Fred! You’re a moderate republican who owns exactly one outfit, which includes an orange scarf you tie around your neck to feel like a wealthy race horse owner with timeshares he never visits. But you’re not. You’re just a regular asshole. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Satire

Ask Me Why I’m Drinking: Family Reunion Edition

November 9, 2017

I come from a big family and religiously attend our annual family reunion every fall. Some people do their worshiping in church, I do mine around a buffet table of casseroles and homemade sour pickles.  But I’m not going to lie, after attending more than twenty of these shindigs, I’m itching for a little drama. My relatives consume their weight in chocolate milk (it’s the dairy farming roots in all of us) and swap brownie recipes and look genuinely happy to see each other. I’ve watched enough movies and television shows to know that this isn’t normal. Seriously, I’m pretty sure we’ve never had a brawl or a fist-fight or even a mild tussle. This year, as I sat digesting my lunch and listening to the polite chit-chat around me, I started musing on what would add a little excitement.  As a new member of the 21+ club, my thoughts naturally turned to alcohol.  My own family wasn’t delivering on the boozy shenanigans and drama, but what might another family be like? I began to fantasize about a real, “normal” family, and thus, Ask Me Why I’m Drinking, the cringe-worthy game show you never knew you needed (until now), was born.

Continue Reading…