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Life & Other Drugs, Listicles

Haha, Thanks, I Hate It

December 19, 2017

Yo. This one’s pretty simple. Basically it’s a list of things that I hate. And when I hate things, I really love saying: “haha, thanks, I hate it.” Hence the article title. Like, picture all of these things happening or being placed right in front of my eyes and then picture me laughing in a pained way and then saying, “thanks, I hate it.” Okay. That’s it.

  1. under appreciating T-Pain
  2. knee caps as a concept
  3. the fact that baby carrots are just shaved down big carrots
  4. being touched unsolicitedly
  5. people entering my friends’ and my photo even though we explicitly excluded them in the first place
  6. that a “women’s” shirt is tight and has a v-neck??? like no I just want a normal ass t-shirt pls
  7. entering a really public space full of people when I’m alone and they all turn to look at me and I suddenly don’t know what to do with my hands
  8. on the topic of hands: figuring out where to put them in photos
  9. the aesthetic of the suburbs
  10. white people
  11. specifically, white women who say “chicas”
  12. but, again, just white people in general
  13. the fact that people paid J.K. Rowling actual human money to write that shit script for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
  14. ppl who hurt my feelings….. hahahahahahahahaha…. aNYWAY
  15. squash, but I think that might be a me thing
  16. that acne isn’t a thing that  actually  stops with age
  17. people who are only like two years older than me treating me like I’m a baby
  18. wet scrambled eggs
  19. THAT THE UNIVERSE IS INFINITELY EXPANDING AND ENDLESS AND BLACK HOLES ARE A THING HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THOSE HOLY FUCKING SHIT OUR SUN IS GOING TO EXPLODE AND WE ALL JUST LIVE ON A CHUNK OF ROCK LITERALLY HURLING THROUGH SPACE AT MILLIONS OF MILES PER HOUR AND WHAT HAPPENS AFTER DEATH I DON’T KNOW AND THAT IS SO SCARY AND BIG AND I AM SO SMALL AND WEAK
  20. Brad from Bio

Thank you and goodnight.

Image via Sarah Clapp.

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles

Four Songs to Listen To This Thanksgiving That Definitely Aren’t Just Adam Sandler’s Thanksgiving Song

November 14, 2017

Thanksgiving. What a weird holiday. Thousands of families gorging themselves with pies and potatoes, a famous parade with oversized balloons, and a largely ignored history of genocide. How about some tunes to play in the background, hm? To perhaps lighten the mood a bit? I know Thanksgiving songs are hard to come by, and that’s extremely annoying giving the insane popularity of songs of the juxtaposed Halloween and Christmas. I did the work for ya, and found four great tracks to listen to this Thanksgiving. They’re definitely not just Adam Sandler’s Thanksgiving Song!

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Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, Satire

How to Read The News Without Having The World’s Worst Emotional Meltdown

November 5, 2017

I used to love reading the news, but now I absolutely hate it. Why? Because everything sucks.

In all seriousness, it can be really hard to maintain a sense of humor when it feels like the world is ending all the time. I’m not even joking when I say that I feel mildly nauseated every time I see a news alert from the New York Times, the Washington Post, or CNN flash across my phone. It’s really hard work to stay updated and to keep track of new information when the process of reading news is so emotionally draining—but it’s nothing that a well-constructed listicle can’t fix. So, here are my well-researched tips on how to read the news without feeling like Grade A trash on the inside:

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It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, Uncategorized

8 Domestic Things That Make Me Wish I Wasn’t a Human

October 25, 2017

Like most of us, I had to help around the house while I was growing up. These “chores” included walking the dog, taking out the trash, unloading the dishwasher, cleaning my room, and maybe, on rare occasion, cooking.

I thought these tasks were the bulk of what went into maintaining an adult existence, but it turns out I was very, very wrong. There is, in fact, a whole new plate of adult responsibilities I was not prepared for. Here are 8 allegedly easy things that we all hate more than we should:

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Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill"

The Tragic Failure of an 89.4%

October 24, 2017

Have you ever been virtually at victory? So close to success? Fractions from fame? Almost at an accomplishment? Close to conquest? Spending way too long googling synonyms so you can craft some excessive alliteration? If you have experience with any of the former situations, you’ll likely understand how an 89.4% on a test perfectly encapsulates the crushing feeling of being so close to success, but not close enough. It’d be one thing to get an 85% and be smack dab in the middle of a B, and comfortably so. But an 89.4%, on the other hand, is begging you to concoct a way to eek out that .1%. If somehow you’ve never felt the crushing defeat of an 89.4%, experience with any of the following situations may explain the sorrow wrapped up in that dreaded grade: Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles

My Top Three Strategic Power Cries

October 10, 2017

In one of the most dramatic and poignant moments in cinematic history, Helen Thermopolis tells her recently known-as-royalty daughter Mia “My mom always told me I couldn’t cry…and told me to be a big girl…but you’ve been hurt, so you just cry.”

Lil’ Dana Schneider looked on, internalizing this and all the other bountiful wisdom that The Princess Diaries has to offer. I was reminded of this wisdom recently in conversation with some good pals as we discussed their many talents. One of my deepest, darkest truths was revealed: I don’t play a musical instrument, I can’t throw things far or accurately in a particular direction, my dance abilities are limited to the confines of enthusiastic yet regrettable body rolling in the club. In a word, I’m talentless.

But hey! If I were to point to any speck of talent in my mediocre body, it would be the muscles of vulnerability and introspection that I flex like a Dude Bro posted up in the free weights section of the gym. That’s right people, being Sensitive™ is my super power, unleashed through the times in which I cry, both publicly and privately. Here are some vignettes of my top three Power Cries: Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill"

Jo’s: The Makeover Edition

September 27, 2017

I know we really don’t pay much attention to the overall effectiveness of Josiah’s eatery, a late-night establishment famous for saving the lives of many a drunk creature by injecting greasy calories into our bloodstreams, but in recent years the remodeling of campus eateries has left Jo’s sadly in the dust. The Ratty has her snazzy new salad bar, the Blue Room now blesses us with Sushi Fridays, so why am I still wandering drunk around Jo’s every Friday night, lost, hungry, and covered in a fine sheen of oil? Moisturizing or not, I owe Jo’s a favor or two in return for saving me from my choices many an evening. Didn’t we all come to Brown for the open curriculum and stay for the spicy-withs, anyway? But let’s face it: Jo’s is in dire need of a makeover.

Thus, I’ve compiled a list of ways that Jo’s may more effectively cater to its target demographic. Behold, the Jo’s of the not-so-distant future: Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill"

By Chloe Conspiracies

September 20, 2017

Patrons of Thayer Street: Have you found yourself wondering why the new inhabitant of 223 Thayer has taken an incomprehensibly long time to open? Don’t know what I’m talking about? Live under a rock? Upcoming vegan delicatessen blah-de-blah eatery By Chloe has been slotted to move into the address, but has taken a suspiciously long time to do so.

To both fill the over-priced food void in my stomach, as well as attempt to find reason in this bewildering situation, I have resorted to concocting my own perfectly reasonable reasons for why By Chloe is still not up and running. Continue Reading…