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Life & Other Drugs, Listicles

My Top Three Strategic Power Cries

October 10, 2017

In one of the most dramatic and poignant moments in cinematic history, Helen Thermopolis tells her recently known-as-royalty daughter Mia “My mom always told me I couldn’t cry…and told me to be a big girl…but you’ve been hurt, so you just cry.”

Lil’ Dana Schneider looked on, internalizing this and all the other bountiful wisdom that The Princess Diaries has to offer. I was reminded of this wisdom recently in conversation with some good pals as we discussed their many talents. One of my deepest, darkest truths was revealed: I don’t play a musical instrument, I can’t throw things far or accurately in a particular direction, my dance abilities are limited to the confines of enthusiastic yet regrettable body rolling in the club. In a word, I’m talentless.

But hey! If I were to point to any speck of talent in my mediocre body, it would be the muscles of vulnerability and introspection that I flex like a Dude Bro posted up in the free weights section of the gym. That’s right people, being Sensitive™ is my super power, unleashed through the times in which I cry, both publicly and privately. Here are some vignettes of my top three Power Cries: Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill"

Jo’s: The Makeover Edition

September 27, 2017

I know we really don’t pay much attention to the overall effectiveness of Josiah’s eatery, a late-night establishment famous for saving the lives of many a drunk creature by injecting greasy calories into our bloodstreams, but in recent years the remodeling of campus eateries has left Jo’s sadly in the dust. The Ratty has her snazzy new salad bar, the Blue Room now blesses us with Sushi Fridays, so why am I still wandering drunk around Jo’s every Friday night, lost, hungry, and covered in a fine sheen of oil? Moisturizing or not, I owe Jo’s a favor or two in return for saving me from my choices many an evening. Didn’t we all come to Brown for the open curriculum and stay for the spicy-withs, anyway? But let’s face it: Jo’s is in dire need of a makeover.

Thus, I’ve compiled a list of ways that Jo’s may more effectively cater to its target demographic. Behold, the Jo’s of the not-so-distant future: Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill"

By Chloe Conspiracies

September 20, 2017

Patrons of Thayer Street: Have you found yourself wondering why the new inhabitant of 223 Thayer has taken an incomprehensibly long time to open? Don’t know what I’m talking about? Live under a rock? Upcoming vegan delicatessen blah-de-blah eatery By Chloe has been slotted to move into the address, but has taken a suspiciously long time to do so.

To both fill the over-priced food void in my stomach, as well as attempt to find reason in this bewildering situation, I have resorted to concocting my own perfectly reasonable reasons for why By Chloe is still not up and running. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill", Satire

How To Cry Silently In Your Midterm (And Other Nifty College Hacks)

March 19, 2017

Everyone says college is the best time of your life, but sometimes it can be just a tad overwhelming. Use these nifty college life hacks to streamline the efficiency of your descent into hell!

  • Leave your flashcards/old quizzes/syllabi strewn haphazardly across your desk. No matter what you’re doing, you’ll always be able to see your neglected responsibilities staring up at you like abandoned puppies. As an added bonus, they’ll get wonderfully stained with food and alcohol and flawlessly pull off a metaphor for your messy life.
  • Waste your limited money on random shit from Amazon. Nothing says joy quite like that “you’ve got a package” email glittering in your inbox every couple of weeks. Also torn-up cardboard boxes and limp bubble wrap are the epitome of chic room decor. Everyone’s going for that lived-in, did-a-raccoon-get-in-here look these days.
  • Live out of a dryer for a week. Sacrifice the respect of the people in your dorm by never ever taking your laundry out of the dryer and simply grabbing it outfit by outfit until it’s all dirty again. This works best if you’re constantly late and/or don’t give a single shit about your appearance or other people.
  • Don’t drink water. “Keep it interesting” for your body by staying in a constant state of mild dehydration. This way, water will taste incredible whenever you actually have a glass, you know, like normal people do. Besides, being dehydrated makes working out extra terrible, so you’ll have a great excuse to not go to the gym. Something along the lines of “Oh, I’ll have to drink some water first,” and then never ever actually moving your raisiny ass.
  • The Dirty Dishes Diet Plan: Get all your mugs and silverware super dirty and then just leave em out. You’ll never overeat because that would require washing them. Bonus points if they start to look gross enough to deter your appetite. Spring break bodies are only a weird smell away!
  • Do your assigned readings on the walk to your class. Cramming it all in last minute keeps the info fresh in your brain for discussion. Panic will sharpen your bullshitting skills. Plus, with your nose in a book you may get run down by a car and then not have to worry about class at all.
  • Wear a huge scarf to your midterms. The wool will soak up your tears and flopsweat and muffle the helpless whimpers. All the support of a security blanket with an added element of fashion!
  • Develop an unhealthy caffeine addiction. Not only will this aid you in your quest to be eternally thirsty, but it’ll also stain your teeth a lovely shade of don’t-approach-me yellow. Nothing makes a 9 am class more survivable than indulging in mild drug use. Think of your addiction to coffee as an investment in a character-building moment in your future when you try to quit it an inevitably fail.
  • Stay consistently unprepared. Asking that cute guy in your bio class for a pen is a wonderful icebreaker. Losing it and asking for another the next day is a great way to let him know you are terrible with responsibility and memory. Weed out the people who refuse to deal with your shit, and find the ones who can look blindly past it!

With these hacks, any wee undergrad can work her way to the top! Just don’t forget to balance these with classes, homework, making money, human contact, nutrition, basic hygiene, and the will to carry on. Happy Learning!

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Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill"

Open Letters: 10 Things That Need To Get Their Shit Together

March 12, 2017

Overall, I like to think life is pretty good. But every once in a while, I stumble upon something that just isn’t achieving its full potential. To express my frustration, I have compiled a list of open letters to the top ten things that need to step up their existence in this world:

 

Dear Raisin Bran,

We all know the whole “two scoops of raisins” is a dirty lie. I come across a raisin once every three years. Please improve your slimy texture and altogether deceitful nature. Also, weren’t you invented to keep kids from feeling themselves? Because you’re actually achieving that perfectly.

Sincerely,

Mouths Everywhere

 

Dear stray cats,

Please make the sounds of fighting and mating just a little more different. I would love to know if I should be grossed out or solely afraid of whatever is happening outside at night. Please either fight rougher or screw better. Evolve for the sake of us all.

Sincerely,

Cat Person Who Also Values Sleep

 

Dear chalkboards,

It’s 2017. Be whiteboards already. This isn’t Dead Poets Society. Squeaking is so last century. You and clarinets are in dire need of an upgrade.

Sincerely,

My Ears

 

Dear Halloween,

Can you relocate to a warmer month? We just want to get our cleavage out in the name of scaring people, but you’re hell bent on late fall. Every year I have to choose between freezing my tits off or going as Slutty Ernest Shackleton. Please rethink your time management.

Sincerely,

Rock Hard Nips

 

Dear people who make swivel chairs,

Can you please make your swivel chairs a little less fun? I’m trying to do work and the novelty of swiveling is just too much to bear. Also, why the hoot aren’t swivel couches a thing? Diversify or perish.

Sincerely,

Distracted and Dizzy

 

Dear wisdom teeth,

We all know you and the appendix are in cahoots to cause bodily mayhem. Why the human body comes equipped with a dental doomsday device, I know not. Also, what exactly is your purpose again? Either way, just fit yourselves into my skull or stop trying.

Sincerely,

Headache

 

Dear Google AdChoice,

Okay, I know you only want what’s best for consumers, but you need to rethink your system. If I just bought a 50 dollar portable speaker, why would you assume that I am suddenly in the market for eight more? Please install a “show me fun new shit and not stuff I’ve already dropped dough on”  button. Thanks.

Sincerely,

This Is A Legit Complaint

 

Dear CVS Self-Checkout Robot Voice,

You are so loud. Too loud. Please introduce yourself to the concept of “inside voice.” Believe it or not I don’t need everyone in the store to know my debit card balance can’t handle generic-brand frozen pizza. Control yourself or we’ll delete you.

Sincerely,

Slightly Afraid of AI

 

Dear suede thigh-high boots,

Look, I know you’re a huge trend right now and I want you so bad. But seriously can you please a.) stop being so cute or b.) stop being so damn expensive? Also, I’m definitely suspicious of your definition of “thigh-high.” To be honest nobody trusts you.

Sincerely,

Poor Girl With Short Legs

 

Dear wild rabbits in Wriston Quad,

This is a check-in. Are you alive? Are you cold? Please come back, it’s midterm season and we would all really love to see some bunnies right about now. I promise I won’t try to chase you anymore. Also, extra points if you could live up to your rep and pump out some babies for us too.

Sincerely,

Stressed and Petless

 

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It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, Listicles

Junglepussy: An Abbreviated Personal Listening Guide

March 8, 2017

Growing up, I was immersed in a culture that values romantic love in a highly exalted sense. I watched wedding themed shows on TLC such as Four Weddings and Say Yes to the Dress, meticulously maintained the aesthetic of my very own Pinterest wedding board, and religiously kept a mental catalogue of the characteristics I would hope to find in a future spouse.

After a stint of personal heartbreak, I’ve grown out of this commodified, confectionery, Capitalized, and capitalistic version of Love. The cast that held my soul in form while it set back into a healthy state: the music of the visionary wordsmith Shayna McHayle, AKA Junglepussy.

I am no music expert, and I know the long and troubled history of basic-ass white people such as myself appropriating the excellence of black music culture. I’m not here to claim the music of Junglepussy. I’m simply here to share my own personal listening guide, a playlist of tunes that feel like a cool washcloth to the forehead when you find yourself feeling the hot-headed pressure to settle into a life that you’re leery of.

Without further verbal assault on the institution of hetero marriage and in no particular order, here is a list of Junglepussy’s discography correlated to totally hypothetical situations that I’ve definitely never experienced:

 

  • Spicy 103FM

When to listen: You’re at Christmas and your extended family members are asking where your recently-made-former S.O. is, while you scroll through an Insta feed flooded by couples in front of a huge-ass tree while the girl is delicately placing her hand on the guy’s chest in a very specific way that you never quite learned (almost like she’s afraid of breaking him? Is he made out of paper mache? Is a paper mache boyfriend my next big craft?)

Memorable lines: “Brazilian steakhouse with the unlimited plates, great!/Café up on Ludlow where we kissed and just ate crepes/No boo up in Malibu, soul food up in Flatbush too/Relationships are more than food & lusty interactions dude”

Got-me-hype meter: I’m groovin’ in my swivel chair at the Rock while I peruse applications for law school

 

  • Bling Bling

When to listen: You casually mentioned that you might not want to get married and now your elders are aggressively reassuring you that you indeed will, you’ll grow out of this “women’s lib stuff,” you don’t want to die alone, you just haven’t met that special ~one~ yet

Memorable lines: “Bling bling bitch do my own thing bitch/Fuck a wedding ring that ding a ling was just a fling bitch”

Got-me-hype meter: I’m inexplicably throwing up the double-middles to Sandals Resorts commercials while wall twerking (so hype that I’m defying physics)

 

  • Picky Bitch Checklist

When to listen: You tried to make a Tinder late on a Tuesday night when you should have been writing that one essay you’re putting off, but then the app won’t properly connect to your Facebook so you swallow the pea-sized amount of pride you have left and make a Bumble instead. You’re swiping left until the cows come home

Memorable line: “I’m not bougie, I’m selective”

Got-me-hype meter: I have ascended into a removed spiritual state while swaddled in a bomb faux fur coat

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Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill", Satire

What Personality Flaw Does Your Waterbottle Reveal About You?

March 8, 2017

I like to think I’m good at reading people. Whether this is true or not, there are certain things that I just know. I can scan a classroom upon walking in, glance at the tables, and immediately get a sense of every person in the room based off of nothing but their water bottle. Doubtful? Just keep reading and tell me I’m wrong.

 

  • S’well: You like pretty things. You drink water because it’s healthy, not because you’re thirsty. In fact, you have never felt thirst in your life. You don’t even sweat during yoga. Your body is not capable of such things.

  • Store-bought Water: You don’t give a fuck about the environment, or anyone who will judge you for it. This probably means that you also don’t care about the harbor seals and baby sea turtles. The term “carbon footprint” means absolutely nothing at all to you, and you also like to leave your bedroom window open when your air conditioner is on. Ugh, you terrible human being.

  • Store-bought Water-Bottle, Reused: You are exceptionally good at losing water bottles. And your keys. Maybe also your phone charger? You don’t particularly care about the BPA that (supposedly) bleeds into your water when you reuse these bottles. A list of other things you don’t particularly care about: using sunscreen, putting on your seat belt, changing the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector.

  • Mason Jar: You are perfectly willing to sacrifice practicality in order to look every bit the hip trendy little thing you are. Your idea of splurging on yourself is buying an overpriced bottle of kombucha at Whole Foods. Your flannel has a couple of cigarette burns from that night that you went to go see your friend’s band play at that weird indie bar. You know, the one that only has cocktails named after obscure celebrities but refuses to give you a Corona. Fuck that bar.

  • Brown Logo CamelBak: Your parents were super excited your freshman year and bought you tons of overpriced Brown gear on your first move in day. You have a Brown hoodie at the back of your closet that you’ve only worn once and that you constantly wish you could just cash in at the bookstore.

  • Blue Athlete Bottle: You can do more than twenty squats without pause and I am jealous, but I will pretend that I am not. You often use words like “stamina” and “circuits” and “burpees” in everyday conversation, much to everyone’s annoyance. You will probably also outlive us all by several years.

  • None: You are a camel.

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Listicles

Your Favorite Motivational Phrases, Ruined

March 4, 2017

I understand the power of a motivating phrase or quote as much as the next person. They can be incredibly helpful for getting through tough times or pushing oneself to action. But some often-used motivational phrases are incredibly cliché, and others don’t even make sense. Please, allow me to open your eyes to some of the misleading motivational phrases out there, and expose them for the frauds they truly are.    Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Listicles

How Likely Are You to Acknowledge the F*cking Lifeguard?

March 2, 2017

They see you, but do you see them?

Turns out the likelihood that you are aware of the lifeguard is in fact a function of age:

Here’s a further breakdown of some key points along the line:

a. Not Yet Alive

  • The only true neutral in this world

b. The Youngins

  • Point at you the second they walk into the room and ask parents what you’re doing there
  • Always kind after being forcibly introduced by an adult figure
  • Remember your name
  • Refer to you with male pronouns if you’re wearing a baseball cap but open to change
  • Swimming is a constant battle between need for life vest and hubris
  • Will get out for snacks
  • Have a deep respect for pool rules
  • Chaotic Good

c. Teens

  • Born to run
  • Look at you multiple times before they do anything stupid/dangerous to see if you’re watching
  • Go into pool with band aids
  • Still get a kick out of boogie boards
  • Tense up when using spray-on sunscreen but try to look cool about it
  • Cheat reliably at Marco Polo
  • Neutral Evil

d. Just Married

  • Say hello and goodbye
  • That’s about it
  • Aren’t sure why their kids can’t go in doing a thunderstorm
  • Read only magazines
  • Are too stubborn to ask for help with the umbrellas
  • Almost forget to take apple watch off before going in
  • Lawful Neutral

e. Mid-Life Crisis

  • Only speak to ask a favor or to ask where you go to college
  • Know there’s no glassware allowed on deck and are pro enough bring box wine
  • That being said will still spill it all over the place
  • That being said will still offer you some
  • That being said you are working and underage
  • Stay until the exact minute the pool closes
  • Chaotic Neutral

f. Gray Panthers

  • The greatest
  • Will feed you
  • Bring books out onto patio but spend more time talking to other people about them than actually reading them
  • Compare you to their grandchildren
  • Ask what the water temperature is at least once a day
  • Probably only live here during the summer
  • Lawful Good

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