Love & Romance

A Boy Ghosted Me, So My Mom Became a Spy

November 28, 2017

If there are two things you need to know about me, they are 1) I’m very close with my mother and 2) I’m an avid user of the dating app Bumble. With this in mind, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that the second a Bumble prospect crumbles, my mom is there to comfort me and to whoop his ass.

This past summer, I spent my entire break in Cape Cod, hostessing, frying my skin, dipping my foot in the water and then immediately running out, and attempting to write. While juggling this busy schedule, I also tried to salvage my love life. And we all know there’s no better way to salvage your love life from the depths of the toilet than by swiping right from the comfort of the bathroom!

Matches came and went, conversations sparked then fizzled, and I was getting real annoyed. It was going on two months since the last time I kissed a boy. I have needs.

And one boy managed to fulfill those needs for a while. Let’s call him Bumble Boy (we can do BB for short). BB was a fellow summer vacationer on the Cape, attending a small liberal arts college two hours from Brown. He studies History, I study English. We both love the Cape, and we both love to read. We’re perfect for each other! What could go wrong?

My Bumble conversation with BB moved to texting and we even took the next step to Snapchat. He provided me with the constant attention I so desperately and constantly seek – who doesn’t like constantly being called cute? I’m adorable and I really appreciate when individuals recognize that.

BB confirmed that he thought I was cute with his texts as follows:

BB: So I think we should go on a date?

Me: I think so too.

BB: How about the drive-in theater in Wellfleet?

 Pause – how cute is that? I thought drive-ins only existed in the movies or in that Rugrats episode where they see that movie about Reptar. So, of course I was into it and said yes!

We were in constant communication with each other as our date drew nearer. We would simultaneously Snapchat and text each other, carrying on two different conversations for each platform. We even took the next step and video chatted with each other, giggling endlessly, consumed by both nerves and excitement.

But when our said date came, he had to cancel.

BB: So sorry, my dad came down early for my sister’s birthday! Can we reschedule.

I was disappointed, but he had a valid excuse. I let it slide.

We texted and Snapchatted, but it was becoming less frequent on his behalf. I called him out on it, asking if he was still interested. And his texts quelled my fears, calming me, telling me I really want to see you. You’re so beautiful and I can’t wait to just be with you. Can you hang Thursday? Let’s go to the beach!

Damn was I flattered. So, I agreed. But come Thursday, BB would fail to send a text, confirming we were still on, confirming where to meet. He was starting to confirm my suspicion towards him. Is BB playing me?

BB: Allie! So sorry, I got caught up at work!

Bitch, you work at a small-ass family-owned bookstore. How much work are you doing?

Me: It’s okay, you’re kinda just leaving me in the dark. What’s up?

And we would do the same song and dance: he’d apologize, make new plans, fail to follow through, and get an annoyed text from me.

Eventually, he dropped a bomb on me. After extensively debating what I should so with BB, I sent him a text. I was upfront and told him I don’t deserve to be treated this way. If you really were interested in me, you would have made the effort. He responded, confessing that he had just got out of a serious relationship; that he’s not looking for anything serious right now and that he’s afraid that I want something more.

So that was it. He stopped talking to me altogether. And that is when my mother got involved.

She took matters into her own hands. She wanted to see this boy in person. She didn’t understand the world of dating apps and the anonymity associated with them. She decided she needed to go to this boy’s place of work and scope him out for herself sans me.

She decided to go against spy protocol and wore an outfit that would make her the MOST noticeable. She knew that BB knew where I went to school, so naturally, she wore a Brown University sweatshirt.

She texted me a photo of herself, espionage ready, outside the bookstore BB worked at, writing: LET’S DO THIS!

This is said photo she sent me

Once my mother entered the scene, she texted me constant updates of BB’s whereabouts.

Here is some of the recon she did:

My mom did all the work for me. She did a complete profile of him while remaining undercover. I got to somewhat know him without ever meeting him.

My mom took on this new profession all for me. She wanted to make me feel better about this guy blowing me off. BB had the audacity to waste my time with false promises of dates to the drive-in. My mom wanted to show me that he wasn’t worth it since he was a “loser” — her words, not mine! My heart was hurting so my mom took the initiative to try to mend it. And it worked. She accomplished her mission because she made me realize I wasn’t the one missing out. It was him.

Images via Allie Greenberg

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