Binge-Watching For Dummies

There’s nothing I find more comforting than the burn of my laptop on my thighs after it’s been playing thirty straight episodes of Bob’s Burgers. The gentle whir of the wheezing fan, the screen’s blue light burning my retinas into oblivion, it’s all heaven to me. To me, binge-watching is a lifestyle, a precise science, but also an art that one must commit oneself to, carefully cultivated over many, many years.

Not everyone is as dedicated to their craft as I am. A novice binge-watcher would sit down at, like, 10:00 at night, knock out two hour and a half episodes of a Netflix original, and claim that it’s “binge-watching.” HAH! I laugh in the face of such naivety. A professional binge-watcher, such as myself, would view this as a complete and utter failure. Two episodes? Was I trying to be a useless piece of shit?

I myself binge-watched seven (7) entire television shows this summer. Of course, I had already seen one of them at least ten times, but I persevered.*

But wait, Nicole, you might ask, didn’t you just write a fabulous, incredibly witty article about how you spent this summer doing an internship in the backwoods of Western Massachusetts? And didn’t you work 40 hours a week on said internship? Why, yes, kind and faithful reader, that is all quite true. However, because I have such little willpower and an inability to complete tasks unless I am at least 62% entertained by them, much of my internship was spent mixing business and pleasure.

If you’re looking to take the next step as a binge-watcher, please follow my rules for proper binge-watching.

Step One:

Create a Binge-Watching Blueprint

Wait, I’m sorry, did you think you could just lounge on the couch, open Netflix, and be on your merry way? Um, INCORRECT.

Netflix is a complicated beast to tackle. Without a proper blueprint, it’s Daedalus’s freakin’ Labyrinth. No, you need to decide the next three shows that you’re going to be binge-watching WAY in advance and plan out a binge-watching schedule that starts at 9:00am and ends around midnight.
What’s that? You want to watch Shameless, Stranger Things, and Luke Cage? God, are you an IDIOT? You can’t watch three dramas in a row, even if they have light-hearted moments! You’ll completely drain yourself emotionally by the second show. Three comedies in a row is fine, but not three dramas, so be sure to pepper in a two or three season sitcom. Am I being harsh? Mmmm, yes, but it’s I only because I care about maximizing your experience.

I hope you’re beginning to understand what a serious business this is.

Step Two:

Utilize All Your Free Time. Like, Really, ALL Your Free Time.

Your free time isn’t just when you finish your homework or get home from work, silly people! Your free time is every hour that you spend not dead! A simple breakdown of every time I snuck an episode into my day:

-On the way downstairs: laptop in one hand, clutching the banister for dear life with the other.

-On the toilet: save scrolling through social media for when you’re at church. Toilet binge-watching is efficient and gives the illusion of productivity. I recommend comedies for toilet watching. Laughter = better bowel movements**

-While doing mind-numbing tasks for work: like technically, the candidate I worked for this summer won the election, so was I really being a bad employee for watching Scrubs while I called over 1,000 rude Western Mass voters? No. No, I was not.

-In the shower: less effective than other methods, but if you’re binge-watching a show you’ve already seen or you don’t have the infuriating frosted glass door blocking you,  you’re good to go.

-While you’re…..having a good time. Paddling the pink canoe. Diddling Miss Daisy. Ménage à moi. Sorry these are all gross but I love them. Look, I think it’s totally reasonable for someone to want to watch, ahem, certain pleasurable movies in order to get themselves worked up. But this way, you can keep the binge watch clock ticking while also cracking your marbles, wink wink. I highly recommend watching television shows with attractive characters if you’re still uncertain about the idea. I’d refrain from using Game of Thrones, although it certainly is like porn itself, because you never know when it could take a decidedly unsexy turn (like murder) (unless that’s your thing). 

Step Three:

Accept That You’re Slowly Killing Your Brain Cells

Many people don’t binge-watch effectively because they think it’s a waste of time, and they worry that they’re killing their brain cells. I mean, you so are. Like, you’re definitely just frying your brain completely, there’s no question about it. I have at least two scientist friends, and they agree with this assessment. Embrace your own self destruction, live on the edge, dance on death’s doorstep, you know?

This step is easier said than done since it requires a good deal of introspection and important life changes. It’s highly unlikely that you’ll attain my level of dedication just by reading this post. Much patience is required. Just know that when your  friends and families eventually abandon you forever, television will always be there for you.
*For anyone interested, the shows were, in order,  Jane the Virgin, Fresh Off the Boat, Scrubs, The X-Files, Stranger Things, ATLA, and Gilmore Girls.

**Not real science.

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