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It's a Girl Thing, Satire

Meat, My Cruel Mistress

October 3, 2017

For the past three years at Brown, I have been at the whim of the campus meats. I salivated over egg and bacon sandwiches at the Blue Room, cried out in jubilation when the Ratty had chorizo sausages for breakfast, slurped strips of Ivy Room gyro meat down my gullet, and every fateful Friday I scarfed down about 7 or 8 chicken tenders as honey mustard dripped down my fingers.

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Life & Other Drugs, The Tabloids

The Rib’s Tomatoes: A Gal’s Guide To This Summer’s Box Office Hits

October 2, 2017

Hey everyone, it’s me, your local movie critic, your rag time gal, here to help you out with a pop culture pickle. Did you watch any of the top blockbuster films this summer? Probably not, considering that this has been reported to be the worst summer box office record in ten years. Why didn’t you watch more movies, Tiffany? Why didn’t you satiate the corporate monster’s big, big appetite?

Anyways, I took a cinema class this summer and I’m in an introductory MCM course this semester, so I am definitely qualified to give you the low-down on all the hot summer flicks. These bite-sized, quirky yet poignant reviews will aid you tremendously when you’re trying to awkwardly flirt/make small talk with people at parties.

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Life & Other Drugs

Italy’s Public Enemy Number One

September 22, 2017

An exclusive investigation into one American student’s life on how she went from naïve study abroad student to the most wanted person in all of Italy.

BOLOGNA, Italy- A sharp chill sweeps over the city of Bologna, Italy in this unsettlingly frigid September afternoon. I shiver as I sit on the Piazza Maggiore, scanning the faces of the people of this fine city; their faces drawn, tense.  This is no surprise. All of Italy has been on edge since the fateful incident.

To understand it better, I have taken it upon myself to investigate the truth. I have traveled to Bologna to find out what really happened one fateful June afternoon.

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On "The Hill", Satire

My Life As a STEM Major

April 10, 2017

I wake up every morning at 6 am. Sike!👏 👏 👏 👏  I never went to sleep ‘cause the grind 👊 don’t 😈  stop👏! Camped out in the basement of the Sci Li all night, working on that problem set. My body is deteriorating but Orgo waits for no one! 👩‍🔬🏃

I step out of the Sci Li and head straight to class. Breakfast you ask? No time for breaks👏 ! The only sustenance I need is avocado’s number! 6.023^10th for breakfast👏  lunch👏  and dinner 👏 .

While I’m in class my mom texts me. I smile at my phone even though I don’t know what the text says. I can’t read.

But who needs to be able to read Harry Potter when you’ve got the real heroes, my boy Isaac Newton 🏃and homie Madame Curie👩‍🔬! G👏O👏A👏T^10th

On my way to the lab I pass by the kindergarteners playing in the playground. I chuckle and shake my head. Foolish children. 😈 Who has time to do the monkey bars when the lab 👩‍🔬grind🙌 is 👏 non👏  stop👏!

I leave the lab having cured cancer, eradicated the common cold, and shoved a beaker up my ass. Work hard👊, play hard🙌!

I head back home, towards the sci li. When I realize I haven’t grabbed dinner (mind always on the equation) I eat a couple of radium atoms and record the change in molecular weight once it’s digested while I settle down at a desk in the 50 decibel section of the basement. Never a 00 for this stem gal! 50👏 is👏 an👏 A 👏with👏 the👏 curve👏.

As I sit down to oxidize some proteins and grind through 12 problem sets, I hear some humanities concentrator mention to her friend, “Yeah, I’m writing about gender and sexuality in Macbeth but also Shakespeare on a broader scale-“

I scoff. “Shakespeare? More like Will-I-get a job with this worthless English degree? Answer: no.”

She gave me a weird look, “What?”

But I didn’t answer her, instead choosing to triumphantly shove my head in pipet. Changing the world, demolishing one humanities major at a time. 👏😈👏👏👩‍🔬 👏

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Life & Other Drugs

Choose Your Own Spring Break Adventure

March 17, 2017

Spring break is just around the corner folks! I hope you’ve all figured out your plans! If not, I’ve crafted this handy choose your own spring break adventure guide. Explore at will.

 

It’s FINALLY spring break! You close your laptop and summersault out of the lecture hall. You breathe in the fresh, spring air. Your best friend runs into you and says she found some last minute plane tickets to Spain! The flight leaves in an hour and you really want to go, but your mom already bought you a ticket back home, and you still haven’t packed. Do you be spontaneous or care about your parents’ hard earned money?

 

BE SPONTANEOUS: Move to Option 1

CARE ABOUT YOUR PARENTS’ HARD EARNED MONEY: Move to Option 2

 

Option 1: Fuck your parents! You finally did something spontaneous in your life! You and your friend hop on a plane out of the Logan airport. You’re in first class because you deserve it. Suddenly, who sits next to you but Beyonce!

Do you ask her for a selfie or pull out a beautiful letter you wrote to her but never sent that explains how inspirational she is and read it to her?

 

TAKE A SELFIE: OPTION 3

READ YOUR LETTER: OPTION 4

 

Option 2: You reluctantly turn down your best friend and go to back your bags. You think maybe playing something in the background would make you feel better.

Do you put on Chopped or The Great British Bake-Off?

 

CHOPPED: OPTION 5

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF: OPTION 6

 

Option 3: You ask her for a selfie and, she says yes! You two take a photo and it’s the most beautiful photo in the world. Literal light from heaven shines from the photo. Nothing will ever compare to this photo. Europe who? You get off the plane and go back to campus. You spend your spring break in your dorm room, staring at the photo. You have achieved Nirvana. END

 

Option 4: You pull out your letter with shaking hands and begin reading it to Beyonce. Two words in, and you’re already bawling. It’s pretty gross to watch. She switches seats. Oh well. At least you’re going to Europe!

Do you watch an in flight movie or take a sleeping and pill and knock out until you get to Barcelona?

 

WATCH AN IN FLIGHT MOVIE: Option 7

KNOCK OUT UNTIL YOU ARRIVE IN BARCELONA: Option 8

 

 Option 5: You got so heated and into the episode that you miss your flight! Oh no! Your parents call to tell you they are very disappointed in you. You order a large cheese pizza to your room and decide to stay there for the rest of break. END

 

Option 6: Ah, there’s nothing more calming than packing to the soothing tunes of the Great British Bake Off music in the background. You’re all packed and ready to go!

Do you take a taxi or an Uber to the airport?

 

TAXI: OPTION 9

UBER: OPTION 10

 

Option 7: They’re playing La La Land, so naturally, you watch it five times. Only minor regrets. Go to OPTION 8

 

Option 8: The plane lands smoothly and you and your best friend emerge out into Barcelona. The city is beautiful! There’s so much to do! Where to start?

Do you go to dinner or visit the Basilica of the Sagrada Familia?

 

GO TO THE BASILICA: OPTION 11

GO TO DINNER: OPTION 12

 

Option 9: HAHAHAH. Taxis. Sure. Go to OPTION 10

 

Option 10:  You make it to TF Green on time, get on your plane, and your parents pick you up at a reasonable time! They tell you that you have a doctor’s appointment to get to, then your grandmother is coming over to mend some of your clothes–also, did you file your taxes yet? You’ll have sit down with them to fill out the FAFSA because they keep forgetting your password.

 As they drone on and on, you slink down in your seat, staring out the window, letting the hum of the car lull you to sleep. END

 

Option 11: The Basilica is the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen. The architecture, the sensation of being under those marvelous ceilings. You are a new person. You are…who you were always meant to be. END

 

Option 12: The dinner is a delicious serving of paella! The flavors are so much better than whatever box of it your family’s been buying at Costco. Suddenly, a handsome Spanish man sitting at the table turns to you and tells you he’s an agent and he wants to make you a star! You say yes, there’s literally no other option. You drop out of Brown and text your parents that you’re never coming home again. It’s your time to shine. END

 

Check out other choose your own adventure Rib articles!

 

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Life & Other Drugs, Satire, The Tabloids

Donald Trump’s Oscar Reaction Tweets

March 2, 2017

So the Oscars were this past weekend. Lots of drama, cookies falling from the ceiling, mildly racist jokes by Jimmy Kimmel, robbing of Lin-Manuel’s EGOT, and the revolutionary win of Moonlight. Our so-called “president” has yet to tweet about any of the events of the night, but when he does, I imagine they’ll look a little like this:

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Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Which Rib Editor Are You?

February 26, 2017

 

Have you ever spent hours scrolling aimlessly through the Rib, admiring the genius we have created, and ultimately wondering: which Rib editor am I? Like, really, which Rib editor do I embody?

Wonder no longer, dear readers, I have compiled a comprehensive quiz that will tell you which of the hilariously fabulous Rib editors you are.

 

1. Where’s home for you?

A. A town smaller than the population of one Keeney dorm

B. The Windy City

C. Anywhere but this snowy hellscape

D. The Sun Lab in the CIT

E. A bubble of creativity and sunshine

F. WEST COAST BEST COAST

G. Probably somewhere beautiful and mountainy

 

2. Favorite day of your life?

A. When Luke and Lorelai finally got married

B. When Tim Gunn hit you with an umbrella

C. When Donald finally gets impeached (hopefully coming soon)

D. When you finally finished that awful CS project

E. When you finally finished painting the Mona Lisa

F. Admitting to the world you pronounce it as ‘jif’

G. Getting into that study abroad program wassaaaap

 

3. What’s your biggest fear and or hate?

A. Cows

B. Butterflies and other moving things

C. Republicans

D. Dying alone in the CIT, your body decomposing in the Sun Lab for all eternity

E. No one understanding the complexity of your art

F. Giving into the consumerist agenda

G. Odysseus, the stupid motherfucker of legends

 

4. What do you like to do during your free time?

A. Drink milk

B. Participate in various theatrical productions

C. Call white people out

D. Free time…you don’t comprehend the concept

E. Add pretty paints to your Amazon cart

F. Spend three hours scrolling through Twitter

G. Eat kale or nap in the middle of the woods or something

 

If you answered mostly A’s, you are: ELIZABETH PURINGTON

If you answered mostly B’s, you are: ALI MACLEOD 

If you answered mostly C’s, you are: DANIELLA BALAREZO

If you answered mostly D’s, you are: MONIKA RAJAGOPALAN

If you answered mostly E’s, you are: SARAH CLAPP

If you answered mostly F’s, you are:  ASHA FRANCHI

If you answered mostly G’s, you are: ANNIE WARNER

Image via and Annie Warner.

 

On "The Hill"

Interview with Brown Statues

February 14, 2017

It’s a cold, bleary day on Brown’s campus. The wind whips through the trees, the weak sun struggles to peek through the clouds. On the Main Green, the fake tree with the rock statue stands alone. Always alone.

Such is the life of most statues at Brown now, since Blueno’s fat blue ass was suddenly dropped on the lawn in front of Ashamu. His presence was controversial, divisive, and, above all, ominous. Whether you love or hate Blueno, we cannot deny his enormous influence. He has overshadowed the tin foil children statues, the fake tree statue, and even the anal beads statue. Where is the justice?

The Rib has been able to get exclusive interviews with many of the statues that have felt the brunt of Blueno’s presence.

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Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Oh, Icarus: A Cautionary Shopping Period Tale

February 5, 2017

Shopping period during my first year was uneventful as one might expect. As a baby college student, I got to every class 30 minutes early, I scrambled to download my readings before the second week, and shopping multiple classes at the same time? Out of the question.

I was a jaded junior at the beginning of the year. I flew through shopping period effortlessly, dropping and adding classes like nothing, nodding confidently during lectures as if I had actually done the reading. I knew what I was about.

Then this semester rolled around and everything changed. I flew too close to the sun.

the cosmic universe @ my pain and suffering

This is a cautionary tale to all those who think they can scam the system. Perhaps there really is no shopping period for upper class students and upper class seminars. Perhaps we are all just floating in the abyss.

I’ve been considering dropping my political science concentration for a while, but there was this Friday afternoon seminar that for some inexplicable reason, I figured I should at least pop into the first class for. Even though I was literally 95% sure I wasn’t gonna take the class. Oh, what a fool I was.

I walk into this political theory seminar, thinking I’d hang out in the back row,  ready to quietly slink out whenever I got bored. The second I stepped foot inside the classroom, I was assaulted by a barrage of questions from the professor:

“Are you registered for the course? Are you a poli sci major? Are you a senior?”

 

I sort of just yelped “yES?” even though only the first two things there were correct. He handed me a syllabus and asked “Are you taking it for sure or shopping?” I mumbled “Uh, shopping.” Then he looked at me and gave me a…..”hmph.”

Hmph. HMPH. H M P H!

I have never been “hmphed” by a professor before. I think I might have blacked out. When I awoke, he elaborated, “Speak to me after class about this.”

Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. There is no escape. Nothing to do but sit in a chair and wait (to make matters worse, the desks were all in a CIRCLE formation). Dear faithful reader, what is one to do in this situation? Nothing but hope the first class would be a brief one.

But of course it wasn’t going to be, because the next thing out of the professor’s mouth was, “We’ll go over the syllabus in an in-depth way, and I’ll be giving a mini lecture as preparation for next class. ”

New plan. Sit in this chair rigidly until the class ends. Blink and breathe only when needed.

Because my life is a big cosmic joke, I couldn’t even do that. About five minutes into the lecture, he asked us to raise our hands if we had never taken a constitutional law class before. I certainly hadn’t, but I CERTAINLY wasn’t going to be the only one to not raise their hand. I was in the clear. I thought. Until he said “Let’s go around and say exactly which constitutional law class we’ve taken and with which professor.”

me when I realize my hubris has gotten me into a diddly darn mess.

Dear reader, spontaneous combustion would have been better than this.

My dignity went out the window that day, truly. I stayed in the class for another hour, listening to a lecture I barely understood, feeling like an absolute fraud. The moment we took a break, I booked it out of there with a “I’m planning on shopping more classes but I’ll let you know!”

I survived. But not every student is as lucky as I am. If you or a loved one is trapped in a class that you desperately want to leave, know that you are not alone. Before you shop classes, consider your semester level and the size of the class. Will shopping really be possible? If you are not sure or have a history of being trapped in classes, speak to your advisor or professor right away before shopping said class. Do not feel obligated to stay in the cruel world of academia. Leave while you can. Be free.

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Listicles

White People and Me

December 5, 2016

There’s a lot of things I don’t understand about white people. Don’t get me wrong, I like white people! No, yeah, some of my best friends are white people! They love it when I make white people jokes. And like, I’ve got plenty of jokes. But there’s just so much they do that is baffling. Like,

  1. Getting their ears pierced as a tween

A fellow Rib writer actually inspired this article when she mentioned that she had gotten her ears pierced at Claire’s when she 12 but they’d healed over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Healed over? 12 years old? Claire’s?? I got my ears pierced when I was in the womb, the WOMB!

2. Making out with their dog

FULL DISCLOSURE: Nobody loves their dog more than I do. I freakin’ love my dog more than I love myself. But that won’t fly with most Mothers of Color. The moment I put my face near my dog, looking for a quick kiss or cuddle because I LOVE MY DOG, my Cuban mother will whip her head around at me and say, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DISEASES DOGS CARRY IN THEIR MOUTHS?!”

Yikes.

 

3. Taking a gap year

HAH. What is this foreign concept called a “gap year?” A year without school? Lounging around the house without a job? Unheard of.

 

4. Loving white actresses because they eat food

“Jennifer Lawrence is so relatable she loves pizza!” “Amy Schumer is so quirky for liking carbs!” Like SHUT UP. Raise your standards! They suck.

WOW. SO RELATABLE.

WOW. SO RELATABLE.

5.  Tracing their heritage back to a village 500 years ago

cherokee

I come from Latin America and both my countries have been the subject of European colonization for hundreds of years, so who’s to say how much conquistador versus indigenous I am? But white people practically live on ancestry.com and love telling you they’re 1/64th insert-racial-minority-group-here.

 

6.  Pier 1 Imports

WHEN YOU SPOT SOME AROUSING DEALS

WHEN YOU SPOT SOME AROUSING DEALS

PIER 1, CHEER 1

 

7. Pulling an Eat Pray Love

White people absolutely LOVE to “find themselves” and “experience a new culture” and “travel the spiritual world” or some other bullshit. Who has time to find themselves? Can’t relate.

 

8. Apple picking

White people are absolutely WILD about apple picking. Can’t go on Facebook without being invited to at least fifteen apple picking events. Only place I’ll pick my apples at is the store, thanks!

 

9.  Putting mayo on things

These people can’t season food for shit yet they smother globs of mayo on everything. Disgusting.

10. Naming children things like Maykaleigh and Brylee.

ENOUGH

11. Sunburns

Can’t pretend to understand needing to use  90 SPF sunscreen or wearing long sleeves to the beach.

 

12. Macklemore

See also: the Kardashians or people who exploit black culture.

 

13. The movie Her

I tried watching this with my mom and she left because it was too bizarre for her. I stayed and watched it and regret spending two hours of my life on it. Only white people would think it would be a good idea to fuck a computer.

 

14. Juice cleansing

IT DOESN’T WORK.

 

15.  Fit bits

Who cares enough to drop 500 bucks on a glorified pedometer?

 

16. Clapping after a plane lands

This is why pilots have such huge egos.

 

And finally,

17. Asking if it’s spicy

I know this is on every list that makes fun of white people, but it would be a disservice for me to not include it.

 

In conclusion, I am not one step closer to understanding white people.

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