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Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

On the Brink of the Real World

September 24, 2017

I’m not sure if I’m just perpetually PMS-ing, but I’ve been extremely sentimental recently. Maybe it’s due to the fact that I spent a whole summer with my dogs and now I’m experiencing extreme separation anxiety. Or, it could be due to the fact that I’m starting my last year of college. I think it’s the latter. Sorry pups.

If you know me, you know I am an extremely anxious person. If you didn’t know that, within the first five minutes of meeting me, it’s a dead giveaway. I spent this summer on Cape Cod, arguably one of the most relaxing places for the east coast. However, as I would sit on the beach and start to unwind, I would be jolted back. My mind would race with thoughts of “you need to find a job,” “what the fuck are you doing with your life,” “maybe you should really consider consulting,” “get it together, Greenberg,” hitting me over and over again like the waves on the shore. The beach was ruined for me. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Love & Romance

On Making the First Move

April 19, 2017

I am a young, empowered, millennial woman, who no longer has the time to wait around. It’s 2017, so why shouldn’t I make the first move when it comes the opposite sex? I’m trying to find myself a man! Or at least a consistent hook up. Or a one-time hook up. Or honestly just some male attention.

Even dating apps are encouraging women to take this first step. Take Bumble, for instance. These are changing times and I’m just flowing with them! I mean seriously, what’s the worst that could happen– they say no? I’ll just shrug it off and move on to my next potential man.

I’ve managed to send some texts on these apps, even suggesting possible hang out situations that could turn romantic. What I have failed to factor into the equation upon sending these messages are both my sensitivity levels and my emotional capacity.

I learned that the worst that can happen is not that these men say no, but that they just don’t respond at all. When this happens, I feel horrible – unwanted and not sexy. And I love feeling sexy! But for some reason, each time I make the first move, “the worst” always happens and it keeps happening.

Why would this be the case? I’m cute. I’m fun. Right… right? But these silent rejections have forced me to make some speculations as to why they don’t want to give Allie G a chance!

For some that I’ve reached out to, I’ve had previous romantic-ish encounters with him. Maybe he fears that if we do meet up again, he’ll realize he’s in love with me, but he’s just not ready for that type of commitment right now. And, I get it. I’m a lot, but I’m worth it. So if you’re not ready for the challenge, it’s understandable. Your non-response to my text hurts, but I understand your silence.

Or maybe this match has his heart set on someone else. And uh, first off, who is this chick that I have to compete with? Second, what does she have that I don’t?! I am then forced to reconsider these initial reactions, and realize that I can’t keep him from his true love. He must be ignoring me just because he can’t tempt fate. Your non-response stings… a lot, but I understand your heart.

These non-responsive and non-reciprocated feelings have nothing to do with me, right? Guys would love to date me! My mom tells me that I’m perfect, even though she thinks I might have a slight anger management problem.

Still, I do feel slightly defeated. My inner feminist wants to say “fuck those boys, there is someone out there for you. Keep putting yourself out there!” But my ego is screaming, “Allie, stop now! You’re just going to get more hurt and I literally don’t know how you’re going to take it. Save yourself.”

Making the first move seems great in theory, but in retrospect, it just reminds me that boys prioritize their self-interest. In doing so, they fail to get to really know me. They may not want a relationship with me right now or they may like someone else, but they should at least respond to my texts and tell me the truth. I don’t need some bullshit answer. And I don’t need to be ghosted. We’re all adults here. As I said, I am an empowered female who can handle the truth! And if they don’t have the decency to respond, I deserve better. Both my inner feminist and ego can agree with that.

Image via and via.

Uncategorized

Binge-Watching TV Addict or Seeker of Love?

April 14, 2017

When I think of my ideal Saturday night, I don’t think of snuggling with a dreamy man, 6’4 with dark hair and matching dark eyes, who embraces me with the firmness, but gentleness of his glorious arms. I don’t think of ripping shots at any of the two bars students go to in Providence and then dancing on the table, while everyone watches in awe of my confidence and flawlessness.

I think of planting my ass on my couch in front of my television, cutting off all forms of communication, and watching up to 10 hours worth of the same show. Give me my favorite food (ranging anywhere from sushi to a nice Bolognese) and, honestly, I probably could die right there: a happy, but lonely, woman.

You may think I’ve brought this addiction, if that’s what we want to call it, upon myself. But I kind of just slipped into it. Actually, I like to think, we all just slip into it.

You see, it’s a cycle. Someone recommends a show to you, preferably one that’s been on for a while that you just never got around to watching. You watch the pilot, and after that, you need to watch the second episode, just to make sure you really like the show. You know what, just watch episodes three and four to really confirm. The characters are still developing and coming into their own, you need a little more time to get to know them. And also, any streaming site just plays the episode right away, without you having to hit the “watch next” button. So, the show is already on – you might as well keep watching.

Before you know it, you’re halfway through the first season, so you might as well just finish it. As if you all of a sudden blacked out, you find yourself at the end of the series, 6 seasons later, looking for a new show. Thus, someone recommends you a new show to fill both your time and joy. The cycle begins again.

However, I’m not watching shows that could potentially make me more cultured, and therefore better me. I’m not addicted to cult series like Game of Thrones or award winning and informative series like O.J.: Made in America. Instead, I find myself within the depths of the reality TV show world, watching series like Keeping Up With the Kardashians, every season and spin off of The Bachelor, and my new, personal favorite, MTV’s Are You The One? When I binge these shows, I form shallow and callous relationships with cast members. I can’t tell yet whether my decision to watch these types of shows says anything about me, although I’ve gotten numerous suggestions.

But don’t knock these shows until you’ve given them a proper chance! In just three days of watching Are You The One?, my roommate and I made a spreadsheet to determine who is who’s perfect match. To give you some background on this groundbreaking show, it’s a show in which 10 women and 10 men, who are horrible in relationships, live in a house together in some tropical vacation spot. They all undergo a “scientific test” that determines who their perfect match is within the house. They have ten tries to figure out everyone’s perfect match. If they can all do it, they all win one million dollars. If they can’t, they pursue careers advertising on Instagram.

But the show really gets down to the age old question – can your true love be right in front of you without you ever knowing? For me personally, I hope that’s not the case – mainly because I haven’t met Ryan Gosling yet. While I’m in this trance of binge watching this supposedly “junkie” show, I’m learning a thing or two about love. So, essentially, I’m not an addict of ridiculous reality TV shows. I’m a person who is extremely curious about the human psyche and this experiment of whether perfect matches truly exist!

Image via.

 

Life & Other Drugs

To Meme, or Not To Meme: A Collection of Meme-Related Haikus

March 21, 2017

Memes: a form of art

Speaks for a generation

Good move, Internet.

 

Open up your heart

Tag me to tell me your all

We get married now?

 

What is in a meme?

Pronounced may-may or mimi?

No, it is just meem.

 

There’s that feeling when

You feel that no one gets you

But then you find memes.

 

Memes are oh so good

If you’re single and alone

To still feel alone.

 

Who started this trend?

This person has changed my life.

I need to kiss you.

 

You might think they’re dumb

But they sure give me purpose

Memes, I got your back.

 

This is my last ode

To this great form of humor

Sprinkle salt on this!

 

Image via.

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, Love & Romance

Mark Zuckerberg PLEASE READ

March 8, 2017

Hey Mark Zuckerberg!

How’s it going? Is life treating you nicely? I bet it is, since you created Facebook and everything.  You can seriously do whatever you want. Must be nice.

Anyway, I love Facebook. I’m a huge fan! But I also think you’re trying to sabotage me, Mark. Yes, I know this is a huge accusation to make, but I feel justified in stating this.

You know how you created Messenger? It’s great by the way – I love being able to contact the people who won’t give me their phone numbers. I’m a little confused though about that thumbs up feature. You know the one I’m talking about. Right next to where you can type. It’s to the right of the smiley face feature. Yes there is a thumbs up. Yeah now you know! Well, it sends without any warning. It doesn’t even go in the text box to make sure you actually want to send it.

This needs to change. This “thumbs up” feature is making me look like a psycho passive aggressive lil’ bitch. Allow me to elaborate. I’ve been ghosted once or twice in my life. You’re in with the millennial slang right Mark? Ghosting is when a person just stops responding to you, despite the “relationship” you shared together. I was experiencing this phenomenon.

I gave one guy my phone number over Messenger. Now, I don’t mean to dis Messenger, but I just feel like good ole texting is more personal. So, I sent him my number, but hadn’t heard back from him in a little while. I went back to the conversation to see if he read my message – since, Mark, you thought it was a good idea to add read receipts to Messenger (another letter for another time).

Well, he read the message but wasn’t texting me. Defeated, I tried exiting out of the conversation, but instead my finger accidentally slipped and hit your stupid ass thumbs up button that automatically sends! Now I look like a girl who’s hurt but trying to be sly and petty about it. I mean that is normally me, but I don’t need to convey this over Facebook Messenger – he was meant to find that out in person!

So seriously Mark, are you intentionally trying to hurt my love life? It’s already pretty unsuccessful. I don’t need you additionally strapping the bricks onto my feet, throwing me into the river, and yelling “every man for themselves!” Is that too graphic? Good, so this can be prevented from ever happening again. Please get your computer science people over in Menlo Park to get rid of this feature. I really don’t want to have to double text you.

Sincerely,

A Girl Seeking Affection

Image via and via.

Life & Other Drugs

A Former Lover, Revisited

February 28, 2017

Twenty-one has been a year of change for me. I am proud to say that I am finally in a steady, healthy relationship. Now you maybe thinking, wow this chick is really open about her love life. Slow down, this isn’t any normal relationship. There’s some history between us. Yes, that is right, I am back together with Weight Watchers.

I don’t know what drew me back – maybe it was Oprah as their new spokesperson or maybe it was the twenty pounds I gained while abroad. Whatever the reason, I decided to open myself up and make myself vulnerable again to Weight Watchers.

Weight Watchers made me recognize my flaws: I overate when I was bored, I overate when I was sad, and I overate when I wanted to celebrate (which was a lot more often than I thought – I like to be happy okay?)

But Weight Watchers also brought out the best in me. Weight Watchers (mostly Oprah) allowed me to see that I can still eat pasta and lose weight! I no longer had to deprive myself of my beloved carbohydrates and alcohol. No deprivation makes me a very happy Allie – because trust me, you do NOT want to see a fucking sucky Allie. She’s a bitch.

Now this may sound like Weight Watchers is paying me to write this article (they aren’t). But seriously, my eyes have been opened. It’s so nice to be in a relationship where the love is reciprocal. I give Weight Watchers my money and time and they give me back the tools I need to be even sexier – ok, thinner.

We did have a little tuff the other day. We had an argument about whether I should eat a slutty brownie or not. I didn’t — Weight Watchers makes me strong.

But who knows where we’ll be in a month or two? Okay, I do need them until Spring Break, but during vacation anything goes. I’m just putting that out there now.

I know you are all on the edge of your seats to know how this relationship is going to work out. For now, it will just have to remain a mystery.

Image via.

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, Love & Romance

On Unrealistic Abroad Flings: A Side-by-Side Comparison to the Lizzie McGuire Movie

February 21, 2017

If you are a female ages 19-25, then you were (hopefully) a die-hard Lizzie McGuire fan. You strived to have Lizzie’s wardrobe, a best friend like Miranda, and the unrequited love of Gordo. You were devastated when the series ended, but ecstatic when the movie came to your local Blockbuster.

When I first watched this film, I was insanely jealous of Lizzie’s adventures abroad, specifically of her relationship with Italian pop superstar Paolo. Fourteen years later, after having an abroad experience of my own, I’m still jealous of Lizzie’s time in Rome. In Copenhagen, I met my own version of Paolo, but my experience failed to live up to the expectations Lizzie set so high for me.

In order to emphasize my not-so glamorous abroad fling, I will outline a side-by-side comparison of Lizzie’s relationship in contrast to my own.

First off, I would like to point out that Lizzie was a recent graduate of the 8th grade. I, on the other hand, was a 21 year old college junior. I had to wait seven years to even remotely experience the thrills of Lizzie’s international love story.

I truly believe the reason why Lizzie succeeded in Rome was mainly due to the fact that she happened to have an exact identical twin, Isabella. Isabella also happened to be a huge pop star all over Italy. Lizzie then experienced that classic mix up when hundreds of people start asking for your autograph and willingly gift you a huge wheel of cheese. It is because of this that Lizzie is introduced to Paolo.

I, less glamorously, met my Paolo while trying to escape the incessant pestering of a drunken thirty-something year-old Danish man, who spoke little English and claimed to live on a boat. Still relatively new to Copenhagen, I was ready to take on the nightlife, but it wasn’t off to a great start. Just as I was about to leave the bar and call it a night, my tall Danish Paolo came up to me and just started talking. We hit it off and before I knew it, he was shoving his tongue down my throat.

Lizzie, however, got caught up in Paolo’s world. Riding on the back of his Vespa, Lizzie saw the whole city through a local’s eye. They held hands under a sky full of fireworks at the Trevi Fountain. She helped him get ready for his big performance at the Coliseum, where we all learned that Lizzie could sing (despite her constant reminders that she’s incredibly shy). She even got to do that awesome scene where she tries on all those outfits and walks on the runway!

My Danish Paolo and I communicated solely through texts, snapchats, phone calls, and rare video chats. When we made our first plan to hang out, he suggested just picking me up and driving us to “wherever.” I, however, got nervous and canceled last minute. After a lot of clarification, we were back to talking again. He was really sweet and said he just wanted to get to know me. But, when I suggested he take me out somewhere, he asked if he could just come over to my place instead. Romantic, right?

When Lizzie finally learned that Paolo was a duplicitous, lying little bitch, she totally showed him up. We were all ready to see Isabella reveal the fact that Paolo was lip-syncing and then steal the show. However, not only did Lizzie help reveal the true Paulo, she also got to be the one to perform Isabella and Paulo’s hit song “This Is What Dreams Are Made Of” at the Coliseum. Talk about telling your boy bye!

I, on the other hand, after not hearing from my Danish Paolo for two days, texted and called him an embarrassing amount of times – twenty, if you were wondering what constitutes embarrassing. When he finally contacted me back, he told me our “relationship” was getting to be too much for him and that we should probably end whatever we were doing. I proceeded to cry for the next three hours until my friend brought over a tub of ice cream and suggested we watch “No Strings Attached.”

So yes, you could say Lizzie killed it in Rome, as a 13 or 14 year old, in comparison to my abroad love life. But you know what Lizzie? You can suck it! You were supposed to prepare me for situations like this, but you led me totally astray. Disney Channel, you should have a TV show based on my life. On second thought, actually, it would have to be on Bravo or MTV. It would not be appropriate for your audience – unless little girls want a rude awakening that boys can really suck sometimes.

Image via and and via Allie Tsuchiya.

Life & Other Drugs

Abroad Exposed

February 8, 2017

I’m back on campus after having just spent the last semester abroad in Copenhagen, Denmark and I’m better than ever. Yes, I had an amazing time and I loved traveling around Europe, but I learned the hard way that it isn’t always Instagram worthy moments. People only think it is, because who wants to post a photo of themselves just lying in bed or struggling to translate everything in the grocery store or sitting alone on the metro? I had to carefully curate my abroad experience on social media. The abroad experience is more than just those amazing captured moments. It’s about learning to be an adult, except its twice as hard because you have to do it in a completely new country. But now that I’m back and all the wiser, I want to give the lowdown to those who are thinking about studying abroad or those who had extreme FOMO while watching my Snap Stories about the REAL abroad experience. It’s not always sightseeing and eating waffles.

Keeping Yourself Alive

Studying abroad is an immediate jump into adulthood. Since Copenhagen is one of the most expensive cities in the world ($7 for a cup of coffee, just to put it into perspective), I couldn’t just eat out every night. I had to cook. One small thing was that I had never cooked in my life. So, with a little help from my mom via FaceTime, I taught myself. I learned how to make edible and, might I add, enjoyable food. I can now whip up a mean homemade Bolognese. Yelp gives it a 10/10.

Remembering You Have Classes

I got so caught up in the fact that I was in a new city that I totally forgot my purpose for actually being there. You still have to somewhat “study” during your study abroad experience. You can’t just be like “oh, I’m going to skip classes to go on a booze cruise with my friends to Norway for the week,” because you still need to pass your classes. Also you can’t just roll out of bed to go to class, because you have a 20-minute metro ride ahead of you. That commute is imperative to calculate into your routine.

Traveling is Draining

The best part about studying abroad in Europe is that it is easy to travel throughout the EU. When I first traveled to Munich, I didn’t know you didn’t have to go through customs or show your passport. For a good 30 minutes I truly believed I had entered Germany illegally. However, my first week there I was meeting a ton of people who had plans to travel around Europe. Due to my social anxiety and my own personal FOMO, I frantically made several weekend travel plans with friends from college. I only had a weekend in each city I visited, so there was no time for nap breaks! I needed to see everything to get the most out of my experience. And it was worth it, but once I got back to Copenhagen I needed to sleep for a week straight. Also I had about 30 cents to my name after the semester was over.

 Realizing One is Truly the Loneliest Number 

I spent most of my days alone. By myself. Not a single friend in sight. And it makes sense. I lived in a single. I would wake up, commute to school, go to class, commute home, cook dinner, watch seven hour-long episodes of Gilmore Girls, and then go to bed. As a student abroad, you are a commuter. I lived a little outside of the city, so it was an effort to go into the city on a school night to see friends. I was exhausted after my day because of all the commuting and sitting in classes, so once I was back in my apartment, I was there for the night. At least I had Rory and Lorelai by my side.

Dealing With Darkness, My Old Friend

 Another reason I wanted to just stay in my room once I got home was because at 3:00pm it would be pitch black. And for me, I equate darkness with bedtime. Also, I should have realized this was going to be the case – I was in Scandinavia: the land of cold and darkness. Who wants to be outside when it’s windy, dark, and freezing? Now you can understand why watching seven hours worth of Gilmore Girls a night was necessary.

Now, if you’re thinking, “who in their right mind would want to study abroad?” don’t jump to conclusions. Everything that I learned abroad definitely made me a more independent person. I became a local in a completely new city, who was able to finally navigate her way around without even looking at Google Maps. It was a nice peek into the post graduation, real world life. I seriously feel like I can take on anything now – learning to cook can really do that to you. I do encourage people to go abroad. It may not be as glamorous as it looks on your news feeds, but it is an experience you’ll always have with you.

Life & Other Drugs

Ask Me About My Recessive Jaw

April 20, 2016

Just when I thought all my dental problems were over, another issue arises. Despite the fact that I had braces six times, my teeth, like my cellulite, are not willing to work with me. For those unfamiliar with the whole story behind my never-ending tooth drama, please click this link for reference.

Now that you are all caught up, here are some new developments: my parents are not happy with the fact that my two front teeth drastically protrude out of my mouth. I think it gives me character – they think it makes me look like Bugs Bunny. We agree to disagree. However, they are determined to fix this problem. They haven’t spent six years worth on orthodontics just to end up with a (cute and incredibly charming) rabbit for a daughter. Continue Reading…

Satire

Spring Break Forevaaaa, Right?

April 6, 2016

It’s the Monday after Spring Break and I still feel so wasted, even though I’ve been back from my beach vacation for two days already. It was just that wild. Basically Spring Breakers wild. But instead of Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and James Franco getting turnt, it was my mom, my dad, and I totally wrecking shit. Spring Break 2016 forever!

Continue Reading…