To Whom It May Concern at Casting for TLC’s “Four Weddings:”
Hello. My name is Sarah Clapp and I would like to be on “Four Weddings” because I love eating chicken saltimbocca that has been sitting in a buffet tub for 4 hours and criticizing tulle. Moreover, I am the perfect bride for “Four Weddings” because I will be going to four weddings in the next four months and they are all mine.
The first will be my wedding to my fiancé, Henry. We met outside an abandoned hot dog cart seven weeks ago and, well, it was love at first sight. We bonded instantly over Henry’s full body tattoo that makes him look like a reptile, and my absence of such a tattoo. So naturally, our theme is “Winter Bliss.” Everything will be carved out of artisanal ice, which will have been smoothed over by an artisanal Zamboni driven by an artisanal driver named Sam, who is organic and non-GMO. Henry and I really care about the environment which is why we won’t have any flowers at the reception, just centerpieces made from rusty farm tools. We will serve a three course meal of pigs-in-a-blanket (an homage to our meet-cute! oink oink!) and our DJ will be yelling the whole night. It’s sure to be a hoot!
Then, three weeks after that, I will have my second wedding. Of course Henry and I won’t work out because I will discover that, as an international spy, he was motivated solely by political reasons to marry me. I will be distraught but the millions of dollars I earn in the subsequent settlement will cure me of my melancholia. Because of my windfall, I will meet my fiancé, Blake, the lawyer in my suit. He’s such a charmer—he looks like all the Kennedy siblings if you smushed their faces together, and maybe did a little more smushing after that. With my new fortune, we won’t spare any expensive for our nuptials! I will wear a gown made from swan tears, and we will flood the ballroom with champagne. The prestigious Electric Light Orchestra will serenade us as we walk down the aisle and every guest will be allowed one (1) piece of lasagna, which will be pre-chewed by Mario Batalli himself. Talk about luxury!
Then, four and a half weeks after that, I will have my third wedding. On our honeymoon, Blake and I will get into a large fight when I find out he is a serial killer who is trying to harvest the femurs of all his clients, so naturally I will hit him over the head with the blow dryer from the hotel bathroom, which will kill him instantly. This incident will shove me into the loving arms of my new fiancé, Girgio, the undercover detective who had been investigating Blake for decades. Oh, Girgio—what good times we’ll share in that interrogation room! We’ll understand each other perfectly because he comes from a large Italian family and I’ve eaten a large, Italian family-style meal. Our ceremony will be an intimate affair, held in the rafters of the gristmill haunted by Girgio’s great-grandfather. Our first dance will be to “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)” by Hall & Oates and our first kiss as a married couple will be uncomfortably long. Isn’t love beautiful!?
Then, five weeks after that, I will have my fourth wedding. It will come to light that Girgio had never divorced his first wife because he was under the mistaken impression that she had faked her death in 1986. It turns out, she is very much alive, which will make my marriage to Girgio very much invalid and he will very much leave me immediately to find her. But luck will be shining brightly upon me because in my pursuit of self-care I will meet Kent, an average looking massage therapist who has a 2.8 star rating on Yelp. He may not have gentle hands, but he will give me the perfect wedding I’ve always wanted (since the last one). There will be jugglers, acrobats, black lights that reveal stains everywhere and jalapeno poppers. I hope our guests will enjoy our wedding favor: an entire loaf of Wonderbread, except with our monograms on it because this wedding is all about D ! I ! Y !!
That’s all the weddings for now! I hope you can see how perfect I am for “Four Weddings,” which I know traditionally has been a show where four separate women come together to rank each other’s four separate weddings, but I believe I am in an opportune position in which I can judiciously compare the experiences I have at my own four weddings in a way that most fairly allocates the honeymoon grand prize to the most deserving bride. Yes, this bride will inevitably be me, but whose fault is that? Yours for casting me, which I know you’re bound to do. I mean, who else would be so innovative as to have a winter-themed wedding?
Looking forward to sharing my big day(s) with you!