After almost two months of freedom missing my parents inconsolably, Family Weekend couldn’t have come sooner. I was so excited to see my parents, beg for Bear Bucks, and eat something other than the gourmet selection at the Ratty. I was bursting to share my new adventures in college with them. Well, not all of them. Actually, almost none of them. I only shared a very abbreviated version of my hijinks. But it made me wonder what it would be like to give my parents an honest tour of campus…
1. My Dorm Room
Filtered Version:
My dorm room rocks! Just look at this awesome desk. I use it all the time to study. And see how nicely I made my bed? It’s like this every day! My roommate and I use the whiteboard on the door to write cute messages to all of our neighbors, but it mostly just says, “No boys allowed!!!”
Unfiltered Version:
Hello MTV and welcome to my crib. Please step through the grand foyer where that one girl was EMSed on a Wednesday. As you marvel at the crown molding on the expansive walls, you may note that the smoke detector has been effectively disabled with a plastic CVS bag fastened by a rubber band. Oh, and if you’re looking for school supplies, don’t check my desk drawers. The top drawer is reserved exclusively for bottom-shelf liquor. I think I heard somewhere that the BPA in plastic handles of vodka enhances the flavor? Or the nutritional value? Something like that. Either way, those bottles are the only things our recycling bin has ever been filled with (besides vomit).
2. The Main Green
Filtered Version:
All of my classes are located just off the Main Green. It’s a great space to come and relax with my friends. All of those college pamphlets and information packets weren’t lying when they included pictures of incredibly diverse students laughing on the sweeping lawn.
Unfiltered Version:
It’s 4:20, so you know what that means… stupid cool freshmen rebels are about to light up on the Main Green. Hey, see those guys playing Frisbee over there? I drank out of that Frisbee last week at a party. Fun fact: a standard Frisbee can hold 4.5 beers!
3. Circle Dance Sculpture
Filtered Version:
Here on the grass between Angell Street and Waterman Street lies Tom Friedman’s Circle Dance sculpture. It is made out of stainless steel and was modeled after Henri Matisse’s painting La Danse. It is a lovely sculpture that brightens my day as I walk to my 9 am class.
Unfiltered Version:
This is the tin-foil sculpture. I’m not really sure if it counts as art. My best guess is that someone who couldn’t afford constructing a building with their name on it decided they still wanted to leave their mark on campus. One Friday night at 2 am, I drunkenly hooked up with a guy in the middle of this statue. A lot of people saw us. I feel like an idiot every time I run past this stupid hunk of metal on my way to catch the last 10 minutes of my 9am class.
4. Sci Li
Filtered Version:
The Sci Li is a great study space. I come here everyday immediately after class to finish that day’s homework, revise next week’s paper, and study for next month’s midterm. I love the quiet floors. They provide an ideal environment for me to cultivate my work ethic and watch it flourish. I’m already studying for finals!
Unfiltered Version:
I didn’t step foot in a library until three days before my first midterm. But fear not, the Sci Li and I have made up for lost time since then. I relish the rush of absolute terror when I accidentally drop a pencil on one of the many silent floors… It reminds me that I’m still alive enough to have feelings. Whenever I see the security guards roaming around the stacks, I try not to think about what they’re protecting me from because, deep down, I have a sneaking suspicion that they’re guarding me from myself. What’s the real Sci Li Challenge? Try not to cry on every floor.
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