Ambiguously Accurate Horoscopes

I have a confession to make: I consistently check my horoscope. (I also have another confession to make: I’m not super sure what celebrity is in the above photo…but it was too weird of a collage to pass up). I like to think that I check it ironically, but if I’m going to be totally honest, I’m on the look out for a tall, dark and handsome man on the 22nd and a lucrative business venture around the winter solstice. Neither of these things will happen but that will not end my compulsive horoscope checking. I think I can chalk it up to an inherent desire to be categorized, even if this categorization is completely wrong. For example, horoscopes.com gives my love rating a 4/5 stars. That is a solid B+ in love. Meanwhile, my actual love rating is definitely No Credit. Clearly, the astrologists can’t get everything right, so I’m here to fill in the blanks. May the odds stars be ever in your favor:

Pisces: Hey there, Pisces! Be on the look out for another person. This person is somehow important to your life!

Leo: Late in this lunar cycle, your significant other will ask if you can do butt stuff. Definitely say no, Leos never like butt stuff. (Unless Uranus is in your love sector. Get it? Haha, butts.)

Taurus: You might be feeling like your friends haven’t been super supportive recently. You’re right, Taurus! All of your friends think you’re a little bit annoying.

Gemini: The sun is aligned with your lunar constellation cycle this tidal rotation. Venus is orbiting through your psychic nebula. The Big Dipper is illuminating your ancient elemental aura. The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Cancer: This week, you should be feeling fun, flirty, passionate and a little bit emotional. Actually a lot emotional. Seriously though, stop crying all the time it’s embarrassing. We’re in a restaurant, Cancer.

Aries: On the 17th, you’ll see a really cute dog.

Virgo: Holy shit, Virgo, your life is a mess! Fortunately, you’ll get a flirty text message on the 13th! Unfortunately, flirty text messages won’t pay your bills!

Aquarius: This is the moment you’ve been waiting for, Aquarius! Gilmore Girls is on Netflix!

Capricorn: Jupiter is in your finances house this moon cycle, so prepare to rake in the cash. Unfortunately, Pluto is in your poor decision-making house next moon cycle, so anticipate developing a gambling problem and losing said cash.

Sagittarius: A potential love interest appears on the 15th, but then disappears on the 25th. Stop dating magicians, Sagittarius.

Scorpio: Don’t let others bring you down, Scorpio! Ignore your parole officer!

Libra: Libras are known to be cute, peppy and always in possession of Starbucks. Enjoy your pumpkin spice latte, you #basic bitch.

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