Life & Other Drugs

Why I’m In Favor of Global Warming

April 4, 2017

This past Tuesday, it was 57 degrees Fahrenheit outside. The next morning, it snowed as I was walking to class. While these erratic weather changes are annoying, they are par for the course based on what we’ve been experiencing this year so far. We get warmth and sunshine only to have it undercut by a snow day the following week. We dress up in layers only to have to strip them off by day’s end. During the warmer days, I hear people say, “I’m really happy about this weather, but it makes me really uncomfortable.” Why? “Because shouldn’t be this warm in February! We’re destroying the planet.”

Honestly? So fucking what. For a while now, I have been openly pro-global warming, and this is exactly why. The way I see it, if we’re gonna die anyway, we may as well be warm while we’re still here. Winter is so depressing, you guys. It’s always dark out, and you have to wear four thousand layers, and weather gets in the way of everything. That thing where you go outside with wet hair and it immediately freezes? What is that?! Cold weather is not anything anybody should be actively desiring, ever.

Why would you when you could be basking in the sunshine all day long? Warm weather is so lovely and welcoming. Those days it was warm outside earlier this winter, everybody was outside, socializing and smiling. It was like the population of the school doubled. People were in better moods, wearing cuter clothes, getting their vitamin D, and just generally livin’ their best lives. Best of all, there were free tables at the Ratty during the lunchtime rush because people were eating outside. Definitely an improvement over those days where no matter how hard you try, you always find yourself soaking wet, shaking off like a dog anytime you walk into a building.

As a native of Israel/California, I’ve never had this problem before. I’ve never lived anywhere with a “proper winter,” so I’m not afraid of warm weather in February. “But Leeron,” you say, “That’s normal there. Not here. Different climates should have different seasonal behaviors.” And to that I say, I’m happy to see the rest of the world catching up to where my beloved homes have been for years now.

“But Leeron,” you try again, “The icecaps are melting. The crops are dying. The sea level will rise and coastal towns will drown and we won’t have anything to eat and the polar bears will die.” Okay, but

  1. when was the last time you cared about an icecap,
  2. modern farming is becoming more technologically innovative and controlled-environment agriculture is a thing,
  3. we can drain the sea (right? probably?), and
  4. polar bears will adapt and evolve because that’s what animals do.

“But Leeron,” you say, desperate to make me see the light, “Climate change doesn’t just mean warmer weather. It means more extreme temperatures in both directions. It’ll get colder, too!”

Yes. But that’s climate change. I’m talking about global warming. Totally different things.

Image via Annie Warner.

On "The Hill", Satire, Uncategorized

Solo Spring Breaker

March 24, 2017

I’m about to experience my first spring break as a college student. I’ve seen all those quintessential movies about people going crazy during spring break. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I will not be spending spring break getting lost in Cancún with five friends that look like supermodels and waking up with a bad tattoo. Instead, I’ll be going home for spring break. For some reason, I imagined it would be an idyllic week of bonding with all the friends that I miss from back home. But in reality, none of my friends have the same spring break as I do. In fact, most of my own family won’t even be home during the week. So, if your spring break is looking as lit as mine is at this point, please enjoy this list of solo spring break activities.

 

1) Be a Woooo Girl by yourself.

Scream “Wooooooooooooo!” in super loud voice, as if you’ve taken a love shot with all your girlfriends at a trendy bar. Make sure that you are completely sober. It’s a lot more fun that way. I’m sorry if you startle your dog.

 

2) Swim some laps at your local public pool.

It’s essentially the same thing as enjoying the sand and the surf at a hip beach resort. You might not be able to frolic in the waves, but you’ll have fun throwing on a sexy swim cap.

 

3) Pretend you’re on a road trip while you drive to Trader Joe’s.

You probably have to go grocery shopping at some point during the week so that you don’t starve. Take this opportunity to imagine that you’re going to a music festival or someplace equally chic. Sing along loudly to classics like “Tik Tok” and “Boom Boom Pow” that are nostalgic for the whole crew. Silently reminisce about your favorite memories and inside jokes.

 

4) Bother your friends that are still in high school

Everyone loves that alum that hangs out at their old high school all the time, right? Interrupt classes until your old teachers find a polite way to kick you out. Convince everyone that you’re a super cool college student and dole out sage advice like “Go to office hours” and “Try new things.” I’m sure people will appreciate your unwavering presence. Bonus points if you manage to make it to your elementary or middle school and hang out on the swing set alone.

 

5) Sleep

Sleep is here for you when people aren’t. You’ll have the rare opportunity to start school feeling refreshed while everyone else is still hungover. It’s important to be especially alert as you peruse all the new Facebook albums to intensify your jealousy.

 

Images via and via.

Life & Other Drugs, Satire

Dorm Hunters: Brown University Edition

March 23, 2017

Narrator: (sounds a lot like Christina Paxson) Prospective roommates Katelyn and Caitlin are looking to share a room during sophomore year. With high expectations and low numbers in the housing lottery, can these friends settle on a double? Let’s meet them.

Katelyn: Hi, I’m Katelyn. I’m a freshman concentrating in Applied-Math-Econ-CS-Biology from Portland, Maine. I currently live in Andrews, and am looking for the same brick aesthetic and access to breakfast burritos in my new room. My other must-haves include natural light, quick access to a laundry room, hallways that don’t smell like weed 100% of the time so my parents don’t give me that look when they visit, and a spacious closet.

Caitlin: (looks just like Katelyn, except with a pointier nose) And I’m Caitlin. I’m a freshman concentrating in Econ-CS-Applied-Math-Biology from Portland, Oregon. I live down the hall from Katelyn in Andrews, so naturally I’m not ready to give up that sweet sink in the room set up. But really, I just want a bike rack outside, a single bathroom, a hot neighbor I can have a star crossed love affair with, and hardwood floors.

Katelyn: Oh yeah. Hardwood floors.

Caitlin: (demonically) Hardwood floors.

Narrator: Katelyn and Caitlin are going to meet with their upperclassman friend, Kaitlinne, who will show them three rooms in three buildings across campus.

Kaitlinne: (eating pho, splashing the broth everywhere) So, tell me, what’s your place in the housing lottery?

Katelyn: (looks at Caitlin, grimacing) We’re at the bottom of the third to last page.

Kaitlinne: (inhales sharply, nearly choking on a large basil leaf, with a face that screams ‘Perkins’) Well, I think there are still a few options within your number-range. Why don’t we get started?

Narrator: Kaitlinne takes Katelyn and Caitlin to Olney Hall first. With a central location on Wriston Quad, Olney offers accessibility to many on-campus amenities and also the opportunity to be awoken by loud youths late at night.

Kaitlinne: I know the interior smell leaves something to be desired, but trust me, the rooms are spacious. What do you think so far?

Caitlin: My first impression is that a frat lives here.

Katelyn: My only impression is that a frat lives here.

Kaitlinne: (opening up the door to a room) As you can see, the rooms here are very open and, oh, uh… (trailing off upon noticing a very large stain on the floor)

Katelyn: Uh…

Caitlin: Uh…

Kaitlinne: Did I mention the Ratty is like, right over there?

Narrator: Kaitlinne then takes Caitlin and Katelyn to Grad Center, which has the unique added benefit of doubling as an indestructible and unnavigable shelter in the event of nuclear fallout, a zombie apocalypse, or student riots if Dave Binder stops coming to Spring Weekend.

Kaitlinne: Well, welcome to Grad Center. It’s a very special place, as you can tell. I mean, all of your guests are bound to get lost on the way to your room so there’s extra fun built in to living here.

Katelyn (pacing along the hallway of a suite):  Hmm, I don’t know. This feels like a big fixer upper. The curb appeal is really lacking—it’s so 1968and everything just seems kind of sad in here.

Caitlin: Maybe a coat of paint on the exterior could spruce it up? We could take on some renovations. Install granite countertops, an infinity pool. The whole works!

Kaitlinne: I’m pretty sure you’d be charged for room damages if you made any drastic changes.

Caitlin: (rolling her eyes, whispering to Katelyn) See, I told you we should have hired a Property Brother.

Narrator: Kaitlinne finally takes the girls to Perkins Hall. Although it was recently renovated with a large newly furnished lounge, you cannot escape the fact that Perkins is very far away from everything and that the tiled walls make the upper floors seem like hallways in a sports club.

Kaitlinne: Here’s the final room. It’s a bit snug, but there’s a kind of hipster-charm to almost living off campus.

Katelyn: It’s just so outside our neighborhood. It would add an extra 5 minutes to our commute.

Caitlin: But there’s a school across the street.

Katelyn: (confused) We don’t have kids.

Caitlin: I figured that after we got a FAFSA marriage, we’d adopt a child.

Katelyn: (very confused) FAFSA marriage! Child?!

(Katelyn and Caitlin stare at each other intently and awkwardly. Kaitlinne stares into the camera, unsure of how to navigate this dynamic).

Kaitlinne: Do you want to see…the kitchen?

Narrator: Katelyn and Caitlin get together just before their housing lottery time slot. What will they choose? A centrally located double with a mysterious stain that probably involved a six pack of Natty Light? A concrete bunker with potential for illegal improvement? Or a remote room where the girls can start a family? Katelinne follows up with them after they make their decision.

Katelinne: (with a mouth full of spicy with) So, what’d you choose?

Caitlin: We chose…

Katelyn: Perkins. Mostly because it was the only dorm left for us.

Caitlin: And it’s in a great school district.

Katelinne: (unsure whether to interpret this as sarcasm) Well…that’s great.

Narrator: Six months later, Katelyn and Caitlin settle into their Perkins double, putting up their matching John Belushi ‘College’ posters and making their beds with their matching Bed, Bath & Beyond comforters. Cozy and clean, their room has become a place for studying, hanging out with friends, and crunching the financial aid numbers to see if marriage is worth it. Hardwood floors are soon to be installed.

Images via Sarah Clapp and via

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Snow Days: Expectations vs. Reality

March 23, 2017

Snow days at Brown are some of the most hyped parts of the year. The mix of spontaneity and slight danger posed by snow days tend to excite campus like no other inclement weather-related phenomenon. As an unapologetic California Girl, I had the added anticipation of wanting to experience my first real snow day. The beloved campus icon and student-proclaimed “based god” Russell Carey, Executive Vice President for Planning and Policy at Brown University, blessed me with two snow days my first year at this wonderful institution. I am thankful for them and already yearn for more, but I learned a lot about the difference between the fantasy of a snow day and how snow days actually are.

 

Expectation: Since there’s no class, the logical thing to do is party, right? I mean who doesn’t want to get lit on a Tuesday? There’s no reason not to have a little fun and get crazy in the middle of the week.

Reality: Actually, there is totally an excuse to not get day drunk: midterms. I mean who can in good conscience waste an entire day, when they’re 5 weeks behind in reading for their poli sci midterm the next day. I can’t, and I don’t know what that says about me (don’t you dare call me a “responsible adult”), but I know that it means that I have to watch snap stories of people enjoying their snow day, while I pretend to have my academic life together.

 

Expectation: I’ll be so productive! Instead of getting up at 8 am for a boring lecture, I have the chance to wake up at 9:30 am and finish the work I need to get done in a timely manner. My day is perfectly planned out on my Google calendar and I’ll hopefully get to bed by 11 pm.

Reality: I wake up at 3 pm. I’m not here to argue about whether this a reasonable time or not, but it sure isn’t conducive to getting 5 weeks of reading done. Also, when I wake up this late in the day, I’m usually so ashamed to face the day that I lie in bed for a while, to wallow in my misery. I then end up spending so long fixing my calendar that I don’t actually start my work until 4:30. At 8 pm, I lose all focus and end up hanging out in a study room with friends for a few hours, before realizing it’s past midnight and I have to get my shit together. I review my flashcards and pass out at 2 am with the hope of not failing my midterm the next day.

 

Expectation: Snow day will involve cozy winter beverages and food. I’ll sip hot chocolate with mini marshmallows and eat warm soft sugar cookies.

Reality: On the first snow day, I had not mentally processed that none of my favorite eating establishments would be open. Thus, I did not only forego my daily chai latte, but also had to suffer without the fried rice that I was craving for dinner. I slept through 90% of the day, so even the dining halls weren’t serving anything by the time I got hungry. It was a culinary tragedy. The second snow day I stocked up on my favorites (Cheetos and peanut butter cups), which I ate in absurd amounts until I became nauseous. I got hungry later and made popcorn in the microwave. I hope Kellyanne was watching me struggle in my sweatpants to fully pop the kernels without burning them. (Spoiler alert: I burned them). I tried to save money by getting a normal bag of popcorn instead of the fancy pop-up bowl kind, which clearly didn’t work out for me. I got a paper cut on my thumb trying to lick the butter off the sides of the bag. It was a mess.

All in all, I’ve learned that snow days aren’t perfect magical days. Time doesn’t stop and you are not transported to a winter wonderland. They’re just like every other day, except you have a valid excuse for skipping class. I’ve got no problem with that.

It's a Girl Thing, Love & Romance

Catfished: Lumiere Was Hotter as a Candle

March 21, 2017

Beauty and the Beast is a controversial children’s movie about Stockholm Syndrome where man lies with man, woman lies with beast, and inanimate objects lie in wait to become human again. Amidst all of this controversy I would like to raise one additional concern, and that is that Lumiere was hotter as a candle, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it.

One may argue that Beauty and the Beast advocates looking past physical appearances and towards the true beauty that lies within. And that’s fair, but I would like to argue that Beauty and the Beast also claims that if you look past someone’s physical appearance for enough time, and that person happens to be under a magical curse, you will eventually be rewarded with a hottie.

So what makes candle Lumiere hotter than human Lumiere? Is it the fact that his candelabra proportions set an unrealistic standard for male beauty? That his tall, dark, and thin candle bod just isn’t attainable in a human? Is it the error of costuming and the fact that human Lumiere looks like he’s stuffed into that three piece like it’s a sausage casing? Is it because the color of human Lumiere’s wig doesn’t match his facial hair? Does Ewan McGregor, for whatever reason, just not do it for me? Who’s to say. But for some reason the artistic directors made the choice for Lumiere to be hotter as a candle than as a man and for his eventual reveal to be a total let-down. And I feel betrayed. And is that wrong?

Here we transition into the ethics of anthropomorphizing and assessing the desirability of something you can find in a Home Goods. And it’s a real gray area. While on one hand it might be my fault for being an absolute freak, on the other hand Disney has purposefully crafted Lumiere to be seen as a romantic object (pun intended) through his relationship with the feather duster.

 

If we draw the line at inanimate objects, is it okay to think that Simba is hot? Or is Lumiere more acceptable because you know there’s a human within? But once you know what the human within looks like, and you then want to go back to the candle—what does that make you? Someone who wants to fuck a candle?

In conclusion, I’d just like to say that Disney opened up more than one can of worms with this latest artistic endeavor, and that while I’d be candle Lumiere’s guest any day, if human Lumiere with his ring-clad pinky finger and smug little face were so inclined, I’d turn tail and run.

Image via, via, via, and via.

Life & Other Drugs

To Meme, or Not To Meme: A Collection of Meme-Related Haikus

March 21, 2017

Memes: a form of art

Speaks for a generation

Good move, Internet.

 

Open up your heart

Tag me to tell me your all

We get married now?

 

What is in a meme?

Pronounced may-may or mimi?

No, it is just meem.

 

There’s that feeling when

You feel that no one gets you

But then you find memes.

 

Memes are oh so good

If you’re single and alone

To still feel alone.

 

Who started this trend?

This person has changed my life.

I need to kiss you.

 

You might think they’re dumb

But they sure give me purpose

Memes, I got your back.

 

This is my last ode

To this great form of humor

Sprinkle salt on this!

 

Image via.

Life & Other Drugs, Uncategorized

How to Win Free Time and Influence Your Life

March 20, 2017

I’m awaiting Spring Break with bated breath.  My daydreams have powered me through many holed up nights in the 3rd floor stacks of the Rock, giving me the extra juice to reread my notes for the 5th time, and retain absolutely no additional information. (It’s quantity not quality that counts, people).

But contrary to the stereotypical components of a college spring break, my dream break has a few, slightly… different components.  In lieu of warm temperatures, extravagant lodging, endless streams of booze, and #goodtimez spent with friends, I have opted for the 40°F Appalachian Trail, a tent with my dad, and copious amounts of baked beans. Is that not basically the same thing??  I’d say so.

I’m not kidding you when I say this is EXACTLY the Spring Break I want, but it appears that my dad seems not to share the same view.  By this I mean, he has been slyly, and not so slyly, attempting to get out of our hiking plans—rude!!!  But this guy was in the Army— I thought he’d be dying for this trip!  Apparently, not so much…. Frankly, I think anyone in the business of looking for more effective routes to avoid plans can learn a thing or two from my dad.  This man has become a master of avoidance in an INCREDIBLY annoying way, but also in an extremely effective way.

He has been employing some nasty fear tactics.  Since my initial proposal of the hike, I have received an article approximately every other day detailing the tragic death of some poor hiker who became a ferocious grizzly bear’s dinner.  I’m 75% sure the majority of these are the production of some knock-off The Onion, but I’ll admit they’ve had an effect.  He has coupled these articles with links to several bear-repellant shops, HIGHLY insinuating that we will have cause to use the spray.  Chill with the fearmongering, Dad!!!  However, I’ll admit it’s broken down my determination to hike just a bit.  So, if you reallyyyyy wanna stay in on a Friday night and your friends are pestering you, take a lesson from my dad and whip out some scary stuff.  Because sometimes, unless you’re Ron Swanson, flat out saying no doesn’t do the trick.

Shoot your friends excessive articles about creepy uber drivers.  That’ll be SURE to get you out of any plans.  While you’re at it, remind them of that midterm they have on Monday that will MOST CERTAINLY not be helped by a wasted Friday night.  Nothing scares every Brunonian’s (not so) inner nerdiness more than the prospect of a bad grade.

My dad has also taken to barraging me with all the various prices associated with the trip.  It’s overwhelming—what even the hell is a bear bell???  Or a 3D Robotics 3-Axis Solo Gimbal?  I could not tell you. I’m betting half of the things on this list my dad has produced are unnecessary, but the numbers are still adding up.  So, if you’re working to avoid any sort of non-lateral movement, I suggest you point out the costs associated with whatever it is people are attempting to rope you into— i.e. an exorbitant cover charge, surged uber prices, an inevitable $3 waste to wash the shirt someone spilled red wine on, and general wear and tear on your muscles. These are sure to do the trick.

I’m sure your application of these tactics will be successful, but I don’t think my father’s attempts with them are going to work.  Because here he is googling the Appalachian Trail:

So I guess his maneuvers weren’t effective enough. *insert self-satisfied smirk*

Images via, via, and Christine Antoniou.

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill", Satire

How To Cry Silently In Your Midterm (And Other Nifty College Hacks)

March 19, 2017

Everyone says college is the best time of your life, but sometimes it can be just a tad overwhelming. Use these nifty college life hacks to streamline the efficiency of your descent into hell!

  • Leave your flashcards/old quizzes/syllabi strewn haphazardly across your desk. No matter what you’re doing, you’ll always be able to see your neglected responsibilities staring up at you like abandoned puppies. As an added bonus, they’ll get wonderfully stained with food and alcohol and flawlessly pull off a metaphor for your messy life.
  • Waste your limited money on random shit from Amazon. Nothing says joy quite like that “you’ve got a package” email glittering in your inbox every couple of weeks. Also torn-up cardboard boxes and limp bubble wrap are the epitome of chic room decor. Everyone’s going for that lived-in, did-a-raccoon-get-in-here look these days.
  • Live out of a dryer for a week. Sacrifice the respect of the people in your dorm by never ever taking your laundry out of the dryer and simply grabbing it outfit by outfit until it’s all dirty again. This works best if you’re constantly late and/or don’t give a single shit about your appearance or other people.
  • Don’t drink water. “Keep it interesting” for your body by staying in a constant state of mild dehydration. This way, water will taste incredible whenever you actually have a glass, you know, like normal people do. Besides, being dehydrated makes working out extra terrible, so you’ll have a great excuse to not go to the gym. Something along the lines of “Oh, I’ll have to drink some water first,” and then never ever actually moving your raisiny ass.
  • The Dirty Dishes Diet Plan: Get all your mugs and silverware super dirty and then just leave em out. You’ll never overeat because that would require washing them. Bonus points if they start to look gross enough to deter your appetite. Spring break bodies are only a weird smell away!
  • Do your assigned readings on the walk to your class. Cramming it all in last minute keeps the info fresh in your brain for discussion. Panic will sharpen your bullshitting skills. Plus, with your nose in a book you may get run down by a car and then not have to worry about class at all.
  • Wear a huge scarf to your midterms. The wool will soak up your tears and flopsweat and muffle the helpless whimpers. All the support of a security blanket with an added element of fashion!
  • Develop an unhealthy caffeine addiction. Not only will this aid you in your quest to be eternally thirsty, but it’ll also stain your teeth a lovely shade of don’t-approach-me yellow. Nothing makes a 9 am class more survivable than indulging in mild drug use. Think of your addiction to coffee as an investment in a character-building moment in your future when you try to quit it an inevitably fail.
  • Stay consistently unprepared. Asking that cute guy in your bio class for a pen is a wonderful icebreaker. Losing it and asking for another the next day is a great way to let him know you are terrible with responsibility and memory. Weed out the people who refuse to deal with your shit, and find the ones who can look blindly past it!

With these hacks, any wee undergrad can work her way to the top! Just don’t forget to balance these with classes, homework, making money, human contact, nutrition, basic hygiene, and the will to carry on. Happy Learning!

Image via.

 

Life & Other Drugs

Choose Your Own Spring Break Adventure

March 17, 2017

Spring break is just around the corner folks! I hope you’ve all figured out your plans! If not, I’ve crafted this handy choose your own spring break adventure guide. Explore at will.

 

It’s FINALLY spring break! You close your laptop and summersault out of the lecture hall. You breathe in the fresh, spring air. Your best friend runs into you and says she found some last minute plane tickets to Spain! The flight leaves in an hour and you really want to go, but your mom already bought you a ticket back home, and you still haven’t packed. Do you be spontaneous or care about your parents’ hard earned money?

 

BE SPONTANEOUS: Move to Option 1

CARE ABOUT YOUR PARENTS’ HARD EARNED MONEY: Move to Option 2

 

Option 1: Fuck your parents! You finally did something spontaneous in your life! You and your friend hop on a plane out of the Logan airport. You’re in first class because you deserve it. Suddenly, who sits next to you but Beyonce!

Do you ask her for a selfie or pull out a beautiful letter you wrote to her but never sent that explains how inspirational she is and read it to her?

 

TAKE A SELFIE: OPTION 3

READ YOUR LETTER: OPTION 4

 

Option 2: You reluctantly turn down your best friend and go to back your bags. You think maybe playing something in the background would make you feel better.

Do you put on Chopped or The Great British Bake-Off?

 

CHOPPED: OPTION 5

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF: OPTION 6

 

Option 3: You ask her for a selfie and, she says yes! You two take a photo and it’s the most beautiful photo in the world. Literal light from heaven shines from the photo. Nothing will ever compare to this photo. Europe who? You get off the plane and go back to campus. You spend your spring break in your dorm room, staring at the photo. You have achieved Nirvana. END

 

Option 4: You pull out your letter with shaking hands and begin reading it to Beyonce. Two words in, and you’re already bawling. It’s pretty gross to watch. She switches seats. Oh well. At least you’re going to Europe!

Do you watch an in flight movie or take a sleeping and pill and knock out until you get to Barcelona?

 

WATCH AN IN FLIGHT MOVIE: Option 7

KNOCK OUT UNTIL YOU ARRIVE IN BARCELONA: Option 8

 

 Option 5: You got so heated and into the episode that you miss your flight! Oh no! Your parents call to tell you they are very disappointed in you. You order a large cheese pizza to your room and decide to stay there for the rest of break. END

 

Option 6: Ah, there’s nothing more calming than packing to the soothing tunes of the Great British Bake Off music in the background. You’re all packed and ready to go!

Do you take a taxi or an Uber to the airport?

 

TAXI: OPTION 9

UBER: OPTION 10

 

Option 7: They’re playing La La Land, so naturally, you watch it five times. Only minor regrets. Go to OPTION 8

 

Option 8: The plane lands smoothly and you and your best friend emerge out into Barcelona. The city is beautiful! There’s so much to do! Where to start?

Do you go to dinner or visit the Basilica of the Sagrada Familia?

 

GO TO THE BASILICA: OPTION 11

GO TO DINNER: OPTION 12

 

Option 9: HAHAHAH. Taxis. Sure. Go to OPTION 10

 

Option 10:  You make it to TF Green on time, get on your plane, and your parents pick you up at a reasonable time! They tell you that you have a doctor’s appointment to get to, then your grandmother is coming over to mend some of your clothes–also, did you file your taxes yet? You’ll have sit down with them to fill out the FAFSA because they keep forgetting your password.

 As they drone on and on, you slink down in your seat, staring out the window, letting the hum of the car lull you to sleep. END

 

Option 11: The Basilica is the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen. The architecture, the sensation of being under those marvelous ceilings. You are a new person. You are…who you were always meant to be. END

 

Option 12: The dinner is a delicious serving of paella! The flavors are so much better than whatever box of it your family’s been buying at Costco. Suddenly, a handsome Spanish man sitting at the table turns to you and tells you he’s an agent and he wants to make you a star! You say yes, there’s literally no other option. You drop out of Brown and text your parents that you’re never coming home again. It’s your time to shine. END

 

Check out other choose your own adventure Rib articles!

 

Image via.

It's a Girl Thing

A Music Listening Guide for Queer Girls

March 16, 2017

Are YOU gay/bisexual/queer?

Do YOU identify as a woman?

Are YOU sick of media with representation that either A) ends in the queer character dying [I’m looking at you specifically, The 100] or B) sucks major ballsack????

Do YOU have a mini panic attack every time you have to come within a foot of a pigeon? (No? Just me? Okay.)

If you found that you answered yes to all of these questions, well this is your lucky day. I have compiled a list of some of my fav queer female artists for YOU. Yes, YOU! (Look, you probably already know who I’m about to list, considering the short list I’m working with here, but just roll with it.) (Also if you’re legitimately looking for underground artists that you haven’t heard of, then you should turn those expectations down a good few notches.)

NUMERO UNO: Hayley Kiyoko

Who dis chick: Yes, this is that girl from the DCOM Lemonade Mouth. You’ve probably seen her music video “Girls Like Girls.” It’s great. Actually, all of her music videos are great. Go watch them.

What should you listen to: All of it. It’s all fantastic. She just released a song called “Sleepover” and it’s great for some casual simping. (Simping: slang for listening to music while feeling bad for yourself. Most commonly used to connote that you’re reminiscing on a relationship. Used in a sentence: Rihanna’s Love on The Brain got me simping.)

When you should listen to this: After your aunt tells you and your girlfriend for the tenth time that night what cute friends you guys are.

Would I die for her: Probably

NUMERO DOS: Kehlani

Who is DIS: Tbh I don’t really know much about her, but her music is dope. I highly recommend it for running. Although, I do not highly recommend running in general. In fact, I discourage it. Save yourself the excruciating pain.

What you should listen to: Her new album SweetSexySavage is perfect pump up music for any activity. I already mentioned running, but maybe you’re doing laundry. Fold your T-shirts as you twerk to ‘CRZY.’ Or pretend you’re the hoe you wish you were as you listen to ‘Distraction.’

When you should listen to this: As you pretend you’re going to talk to that cute girl in your biology class tomorrow, when we both know you’re not.

NUMERO TRES: Nicki Minaj

Who EVEN is this: Okay we all know Nicki Minaj. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. But, what most people don’t know, or like to ignore, is that this 1/3 of the holy trio (Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, and Beyoncé) is bisexual.

Don’t believe me? Go listen to “I endorse these strippers.” In it she raps, and I quote, “I tell the hoes when they strip that they can play with my clit” and “boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, lotta boobs, man I make the baddest bitches send me nudes.” (And if I am wrong, please don’t tell me. I would rather live in denial than live in a world in which Nicki Minaj isn’t bisexual.)

When you should listen to this: Literally all the time. You can’t turn it off. It’s illegal.

NUMERO CUATRO: Lauren Jauregui

Okay, but who is this: THIS is ¼ (lmao bye Camila) of Fifth Harmony. She came out in a really poignant letter to Donald Trump voters. It was pretty iconic. If all you know about Fifth Harmony is that they have some songs on the radio and an awful name, I suggest you get to know them better. They are a group of women of color who are taking down the patriarchy one hit bop at a time.

What you should listen to: She and Marian Hill recently came out with a song called “Back to Me” and it is DOPE. Also I just recommend all of Fifth Harmony’s music for a fun time with your pals. My personal favs are “Everlasting Love” (for a casual simp), “Reflection” (when you need a LOVE YOSELF tune), “No Way” (for a serious simp), and “All In My Head” (just for the good times).

When you should listen to this: Every month on the full moon. It’s perfect for background music as you practice your brujeria.

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