“I want Beyoncé to punch me in the face,” my friend declared. I hesitated, waiting to see if she meant to say something else instead. When the silence became palpably awkward, I finally asked, “Erin, are you serious?” She was dead serious.
Her belief: It hurts so much to look at [fill in desired celebrity here] that she would rather be punched, which would hurt less than looking. Also, if you had any chance to interact with [celebrity you previously mentioned], wouldn’t it be awesome to say that he/she punched you in the face? Like at parties, you would be the center of attention if you said Beyoncé punched you square between the eyes.
After her intensive explanation, it all made sense to me. Yes, I would want Beyonce to punch me in the face. In fact, I compiled a list of 5 people with whom I would love to get some fist to face contact!
5. Blue Ivy
It would be an honor to be punched in the face by the world’s most famous baby (sorry North, sorry Prince George). She’s two years old and as her mother would say, she is “**flawless.” She makes me want to trade my jeans for diapers. When I was two, it was a miracle that I was potty trained. That’s no struggle for Blue Ivy. She had to keep her shit together when she graced the stage at the VMAs. She makes me reconsider the progress I have made in my 19 years of life. I repeat: she is two and more accomplished than I could EVER hope to be.
4. Taylor Hatala
If you don’t know about this girl yet, you have been A) living under a rock, B) spending way too much time on Netflix (I get this, you need to catch up on Scandal) but C) you need to watch this video now. She too is a youngin’. 11 years old! Ugh, and she’s already been on Ellen! If I didn’t quit dance after a year of jazz and ballet in 1st grade, I could have been “krumping” on national TV, too. It would be a privilege if she tossed a punch mid dance and it happened to come in contact with my face. Never stop dancing, Taylor. I need more videos to watch for procrastination purposes.
3. Angelica Pickles
Yes, I am aware that she is a cartoon character from the beloved “Rugrats.” But, Angelica is THE ORIGINAL BAD BITCH. We all loved to hate her. She terrified me. I believed everything she said. Like when she said that if you ate watermelon seeds, a watermelon would grow in your stomach, I avoided seeds like I avoided cracks on the sidewalk. She was just so damn convincing. So Angelica, take a shot at my face. Cynthia can help too. (Ed. note: She’s a really cool dancer.)
2. Hilary Clinton
She is the definition of fierce. I would elect her president of the “Bad Bitch Club.” Fun fact: I met her when I was two — take that Blue Ivy! However, she held me and did not punch me. She knows where to draw the line. Her dedication, passion, and awesomeness as a person in general are just a few of the attributes that make her an amazing role model. I would need to mentally prepare for this punch. I have a feeling she would definitely leave a mark.
1. Mindy Kaling
ALL HAIL! The reason she is the number one spot is because I know Mindy would show up wearing a hot pink velour sweat suit bedazzled to the max for the purpose of punching me in the face. She would probably train for this punch, knowing she had one shot. She’s also the number one spot because we both constantly struggle with our love for food and our hate for the gym. I aspire to be like Mindy. I can only hope for the day when Mindy writes a list of five people who are allowed to punch her in the face, with my name in the number one spot. That’s when I’ll know I’ve made it.
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