The United States vs. the Candy Corn States

Dear Oregon, Wyoming, Tennessee, Texas, and South Carolina,

It’s us, the other forty-five states. We know what you did. We saw the map.

You picked candy corn as your favorite Halloween candy? Really? When there are so many delicious candies in the world, how could you even consider candy corn? Don’t you know that it’s not even real candy? Sure, everyone has eaten a handful during a sugar-induced Halloween stupor, but we can’t begin to comprehend what kind of person would consciously choose it over other candies. What about Reeses? Kit Kats? Even Laffy Taffy would have been a more respectable choice!

How could you do this to us, after all we’ve been through? We’ve had so many good times together. We’re the power country. We’re ‘Murica! And yes, we’ve had some little tiffs, too. But we were strong enough to survive those disagreements – I’m talking politics, sports rivalries, and even a civil war. After almost 250 years together, it seemed like we could conquer the world together. (Not literally. I don’t think. Or should we conquer the entire world? The United World of America does have a nice ring to it…)

But now you have betrayed us all. What’s done is done, and this—this candy corn catastrophe—is the final straw. We’re voting you off the island…err, country. As of this moment, you are no longer part of the United States of America. We will be erasing your names from all maps, school textbooks, and Wikipedia pages. The American flag will have only forty-five stars. And we’re changing the motto on the seal to “Out of many who hate candy corn, one.” (It will sound better once our language consultants find a translation for “candy corn” and we can write it in Latin.)

Map

Doesn’t that look better? No more unsightly candy corn cluttering up our beautiful country.

If you think we’re being harsh, we would like to remind you that science is on our side. These two graphs prove that candy corn lovers mean trouble.

Graph 1If we can’t trust you, why would we let you be a part of this country?
Graph 2

The overlap is alarming! Your presence has obviously been toxic all these years, and we’re just glad that we’ve finally seen the light.

So please just take your candy corn and go peacefully. We think you owe us that much after all of the shame and disappointment.

We hope you have a nice life and get all of the cavities that you deserve!

XOXO

The new-and-improved USA

Image via.

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