How Your Ex Never Leaves You

I’ve always believed that I would know I was over someone when he stopped crossing my mind every day. I have found, through diligent research, that this is very hard to do when he inserts himself in my mind via obnoxious cover photo changes and unfunny comments on friends’ muploads. Like, really unfunny, so he should probably stop now.

Recently, I googled, “things that remind you of your ex,” and stumbled upon a Yahoo! Answers chain that vomits a nostalgic, high school sadness from every orifice.

This is what the asker… asked:

What random things remind you of your ex/crush?

A lot of things remind me of my ex, songs, cars, anything. Let’s see-

Ford taurus’s. It reminds me of him, he would drive it all the time. 
He also used to drive a 92 nissan maxima. Everytime I see one of those (which is not very often) i cringe. 
When people crack their necks/backs and I can hear it, I cringe. He used to do that all the time and I hated hearing the noise, and he know how much it bothered me. 
Throw it in the bag remix by fabolous and drake…he would sing it all the time and its actually a good memory of him. it makes me miss him in a way, lol. 
The songs Spit Your Game, Juicy, and Big Poppa by Biggie remind me of him as well, he’d sing them all the time and he loved Biggie. 
And pale blue-green, ocean eyes. They’re hypnotizing, I swear…lmbo. 
Well, I’ve gotten ahead of myself…what reminds you of your ex/crush?

Update: oh, and BASEBALL. 

Well, Asker, if you really must know, these are the things that remind me of my ex. BTW, asking about my crush is an entirely different question. You really thought you could group those together like that?

When my clothes are all over the floor and I finally decide to put them away, I remember the times I would open every drawer of my dresser, scoop up its contents, and throw them at his face in a menstrual rage.

When I go a few days without shaving my armpits, I remember the time he bluntly told me that I needed to shave my armpits.

When I drink Coors Light, I remember how I didn’t really like beer before he made me try it, and I remember how I gained fifteen pounds the year after he did.

Whenever I hear a U2 song, I remember telling him how terrible I think U2 is, and how every time we were together and heard a U2 song, he would say, “Oh, U2, Hannah!!!!” and found that absolutely hysterical.

When I realize how nice is it to no longer have a mandatory football viewing every Sunday now that I live on my own, I remember how excited I would get to have a good excuse to go to his house once a week, and then how pissed off I would get every time I remembered that I would not be the center of attention for three hours and twelve minutes.

Whenever I meet a boy who’s chewing gum, I remember how I always loved gum and he never did but I secretly wanted him to.

When I crack my thumbs, I remember how he used to have to crack them for me, and after we broke up they were stiff and sore. Eventually, I learned how to crack them myself, which I saw as a sign from god that I was ready to be an independent woman.

I also think of him when I see the car he drove, and I do secretly hope that it’s him, but I can’t say I’m on the same page as you, Asker, re: the Biggie songs.

Whenever I go to a museum, I think of him. And when I see a butterfly exhibit.

Did I mention that my family adopted a dog last year? And that his family adopted that dog’s sister? So add to the list: whenever I see my dog.

Even though I hate all of these things, and even though they often make my cheeks pink and my stomach churn when I decide to remember them, they’re still there. I still think about them. So maybe I love them, and I don’t want to let go of them. In all honestly, you never know the next time you’re going to find the guy who reminds you of such shitty stuff… stuff so shitty it kind of makes you smile. And makes you want to grow out your body hair a little.

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