How to Win Free Time and Influence Your Life

By March 20, 2017

I’m awaiting Spring Break with bated breath.  My daydreams have powered me through many holed up nights in the 3rd floor stacks of the Rock, giving me the extra juice to reread my notes for the 5th time, and retain absolutely no additional information. (It’s quantity not quality that counts, people).

But contrary to the stereotypical components of a college spring break, my dream break has a few, slightly… different components.  In lieu of warm temperatures, extravagant lodging, endless streams of booze, and #goodtimez spent with friends, I have opted for the 40°F Appalachian Trail, a tent with my dad, and copious amounts of baked beans. Is that not basically the same thing??  I’d say so.

I’m not kidding you when I say this is EXACTLY the Spring Break I want, but it appears that my dad seems not to share the same view.  By this I mean, he has been slyly, and not so slyly, attempting to get out of our hiking plans—rude!!!  But this guy was in the Army— I thought he’d be dying for this trip!  Apparently, not so much…. Frankly, I think anyone in the business of looking for more effective routes to avoid plans can learn a thing or two from my dad.  This man has become a master of avoidance in an INCREDIBLY annoying way, but also in an extremely effective way.

He has been employing some nasty fear tactics.  Since my initial proposal of the hike, I have received an article approximately every other day detailing the tragic death of some poor hiker who became a ferocious grizzly bear’s dinner.  I’m 75% sure the majority of these are the production of some knock-off The Onion, but I’ll admit they’ve had an effect.  He has coupled these articles with links to several bear-repellant shops, HIGHLY insinuating that we will have cause to use the spray.  Chill with the fearmongering, Dad!!!  However, I’ll admit it’s broken down my determination to hike just a bit.  So, if you reallyyyyy wanna stay in on a Friday night and your friends are pestering you, take a lesson from my dad and whip out some scary stuff.  Because sometimes, unless you’re Ron Swanson, flat out saying no doesn’t do the trick.

Shoot your friends excessive articles about creepy uber drivers.  That’ll be SURE to get you out of any plans.  While you’re at it, remind them of that midterm they have on Monday that will MOST CERTAINLY not be helped by a wasted Friday night.  Nothing scares every Brunonian’s (not so) inner nerdiness more than the prospect of a bad grade.

My dad has also taken to barraging me with all the various prices associated with the trip.  It’s overwhelming—what even the hell is a bear bell???  Or a 3D Robotics 3-Axis Solo Gimbal?  I could not tell you. I’m betting half of the things on this list my dad has produced are unnecessary, but the numbers are still adding up.  So, if you’re working to avoid any sort of non-lateral movement, I suggest you point out the costs associated with whatever it is people are attempting to rope you into— i.e. an exorbitant cover charge, surged uber prices, an inevitable $3 waste to wash the shirt someone spilled red wine on, and general wear and tear on your muscles. These are sure to do the trick.

I’m sure your application of these tactics will be successful, but I don’t think my father’s attempts with them are going to work.  Because here he is googling the Appalachian Trail:

So I guess his maneuvers weren’t effective enough. *insert self-satisfied smirk*

Images via, via, and Christine Antoniou.

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Categorized in: Life & Other Drugs, Uncategorized




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