On "The Hill"

Irrational Door Locking

February 19, 2017

I’m bold enough to admit when I have a problem. Something about dorm living makes me feel insecure. Maybe it’s that so many people are living in one place and I only know a small fraction of them; maybe I’m just paranoid. In any case, I’m incredibly irrational about locking my door.

It used to be much worse. When I left my room, in addition to locking the door, I would put my computer in its zip-up case, in the drawer of my desk, and under a bunch of papers. In case someone broke in, they would have a heck of a time finding my valuables. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, fearing that some super-burglar with a grappling hook was breaking in my window to steal my stuff. I see so many grappling hooks in action movies and haven’t encountered one in real life yet. I know they’re out there.

Kim Possible has a grappling hook. So, it’s possible.

Going to do laundry? Lock the door. Going to the bathroom for a little bit? Lock the door. Going to the bathroom for like two seconds to fill up my water bottle? Lock the door. In my room doing work at the desk? Lock the door.

What am I afraid having stolen from my dorm room? Like anyone else, my computer and phone. But also, my almond butter. It’s really good. I have it as part of my breakfast; without it, I would be lacking energy all day. Also, my stuffed animals. I have a lot of those. I do have the extremely rare Webkinz Brown Cheeky Dog, and I totally understand why a burglar would want that.

When I’m older and have my own house, I plan on investing in a state-of-the-art home security system with fingerprint and retina scanners, big steel bulletproof window covers, and security cameras. Basically, I want a security system like the rich white people have in The Purge except it actually works (if the security systems did work in The Purge movies, there would be no plot). Until then, I’ll just keep irrationally locking my door.

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