Rarely do people fall into the temperate middle ground of being purely cordial and friendly with their roommate. You usually either hear about someone having miraculously been matched up with their absolute soul mate, or the roommate pairing from HELL.
The soulmate roomies become inseparable: eating all meals together, recapping every bit of their time apart to each other, and switching their personal pronouns from ‘me’ to ‘we’. #coupley <3. The roommates from hell exist in a constant state of stress, anger, and rampant shit-talking—i.e. “you’ll never guess what *insert satanic roommate’s name* did now!!!!” Sad!
Recently, my friend was describing (in a markedly derogatory tone) some of the eccentric and irritating habits of her roommate. While processing this information, it occurred to me that she too carried out some of these behaviors; arguably some that are even more irksome. And, in a disheartening turn of events, I realized that I’m actually also probably a horrible roommate (@ my planned roommate for sophomore year: maybe stop reading now?). So, without further ado, here is a description of my most roommate-unfriendly idiosyncrasies that will help you realize some of your own:
- In my most foolish move of all, I registered for a 9 a.m. on every day of the week. For the average person this would likely be an issue, but if you’ve ever met me or met someone who truly resembles a sloth as much as I do, it’s a BIG problem. I am essentially the antithesis of a morning person. This poor decision manifests itself in a whole lot of poor roommate behavior. First, I end up repeatedly snoozing my tugboat style alarm. I know, I’m the worst. But, when I finally exit the bed, just in the nick of time for class, I end up frantically getting ready. This means clattering all my makeup on my desk (if there’s even time for that), a nice slam of the fridge door as I grab the yogurt I will scarf down on the way to class, and when I’m really cutting it close and don’t have time to brush my teeth, me spitting mouth wash into my trash can. I wholeheartedly admit and agree that that is disgusting, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
- The peanut butter spoon. This, readers, is the most atrocious thing that I do. I have a specific spoon that I continuously use to eat peanut butter, but do not wash in between uses. A.K.A. there is a spoon that 100% of the time is doused in peanut butter residue that just resides on top of me and my roommate’s radiator. [Suspend your judgment for a moment unless you can truly tell me you don’t do anything even remotely as gross as this.]
- My study habits involve me unconsciously humming my music while I have headphones in, and also The Office theme song when I’m just taking a quick break from work…. Sometimes these quick breaks turn into longer breaks and also involve me awkwardly laughing to myself as Jim (a fellow Waylander) puts Dwight’s stapler in jelly, #classic. Although I can’t tell if my roommate can for sure hear me as I make these noises, I’m sure if she can, she must find it realllllyy weird.
So, before you ever begin to bash your roommate, keep in mind that you very well could be equally as terrible. My roommate hasn’t requested a roommate change, so clearly people are willing to put up with a fair amount of tom-foolery, but don’t take advantage of this — make an effort to be the least horrible roommate you can! We can all be a bit more like this kind roomie:
Finally, after my contemplative look at myself and my quirks, I want to say to my impeccable freshman year roommate, from the bottom of my heart: thank you for putting up with me. And I urge everyone to extend similar gratitude to their roommates, unless you live in a single, in which case, fuck you.