It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs

Obituaries of my Fake IDs

February 9, 2017

Can I write about fake IDs now that I’ve been 21 for a few months? Is there like a statute of limitations on having fake IDs where if I pretend ~hypothetically~ to at one point have had in my possession one (or four) of these beautifully bendable laminated cards, I won’t get in trouble because it’s been too many months in the eyes of the law?

Well I’m going to proceed as if this won’t ruin my chances of getting an internship this summer.

Before I turned 21 I often imagined the day after my birthday to include a momentous occasion in which I snipped my fake ID in half, saying good riddance forever. This fantasy, however, turned out to be far from reality: the night of my 21st birthday I had at least four friends who certainly do not have red hair and are probably taller than 5’3 ask if they could have my ID. So, although my last fake ID is somewhere out there in this big beautiful world of College Hill, she is not in fact with me in my bedroom as I write this article, and I miss her dearly.

So in honor of this fake ID, and the other IDs that came before her, I have decided to record their life stories in this article.

 

Fake ID #1: “Beloved First Born” Born May 2012, Died October 2014

Fake ID #1 was hands down the worst ID I have ever had, as would be expected from an exchange in a high school P.E. locker room, in which a wad of cash was traded for a literal piece of plastic with a sticker lopsidedly stuck across it.  I think I used Fake ID #1 only once, as it would have never passed in a liquor store or anything higher quality than a skeevy dive bar filled with old white-bearded men. But hey – having one definitely made me one of the cooler 16-year-olds around, so I guess there’s an upside to everything?

 

Fake ID #2: “Devoted Sister and Friend” Born October 2014, Died August 2015

This one wasn’t actually half bad! My freshman year, my whole floor did a group order, because some kid had a police officer relative in the Chicago P.D. and claimed that we were getting authentic Illinois IDs. Well, when the IDs showed up it was immediately very clear that they weren’t real. But still – they weren’t stickers, and I got to pick my own address! I chose an address in Evanston because I had toured Northwestern once and figured I could name a random restaurant or street to a scary bouncer if need be. Fake ID #2 got me drinks at all restaurants and most bars, but essentially no clubs. I learned this one night in NYC when an unnecessarily cruel bouncer took my ID – and rather than confiscate it, he bent it in half and then handed it back to me. A truly devastating encounter.

 

Fake ID #3: “Favorite Child” Born September 2015, Died May 2016

The death of Fake ID #2 obviously led to the birth of Fake ID #3. Fake ID #3 scanned! And it was from Delaware – and I mean we all know no one actually lives in Delaware! It’s such an obscure state that bartenders, bouncers and waiters alike would never think to question it because it was so rare that they had usually never seen one before. Alas, one night I left my wallet in the Sci Li and woke up to an email from DPS that they had my wallet but had to “confiscate the illegal ID found in it.” I would just like to point out this obvious abuse of authority. The ID was literally hidden behind a gift card. HIDDEN. How can you justify leafing through a student’s wallet?!

 

Fake ID #4: “Cherished Charismatic Cousin” Born July 2008, Died September 2016

The confiscation of Fake ID #3 occurred 4 months before my 21st birthday and I figured it wasn’t worth the money to buy another one, so after some coaxing, I convinced my cousin to give me her old real ID. Oddly enough, no bartender or bouncer ever seemed to care that I was obviously far shorter than 5’7 and did not have blue eyes. I might have committed identity theft (is it still theft though if the person gives you permission to act as them? lmk) but the world of fancy cocktails was opened up to me.

And now I use my real ID. The same vertical California ID that I had no use for during the past 5 years is suddenly proof of my legal adulthood. I mean talk about adulthood being a ~social construct~. I would be hard pressed to find someone who thinks 21-year-old me is any more responsible than 19-year-old me was.

This is devoted to all of the wonderful fake IDs I have had. May your memories be a blessing, and may you all rest in a booze-filled paradise.

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