There’s a lot of things I don’t understand about white people. Don’t get me wrong, I like white people! No, yeah, some of my best friends are white people! They love it when I make white people jokes. And like, I’ve got plenty of jokes. But there’s just so much they do that is baffling. Like,
- Getting their ears pierced as a tween
A fellow Rib writer actually inspired this article when she mentioned that she had gotten her ears pierced at Claire’s when she 12 but they’d healed over. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Healed over? 12 years old? Claire’s?? I got my ears pierced when I was in the womb, the WOMB!
2. Making out with their dog
FULL DISCLOSURE: Nobody loves their dog more than I do. I freakin’ love my dog more than I love myself. But that won’t fly with most Mothers of Color. The moment I put my face near my dog, looking for a quick kiss or cuddle because I LOVE MY DOG, my Cuban mother will whip her head around at me and say, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DISEASES DOGS CARRY IN THEIR MOUTHS?!”
Yikes.
3. Taking a gap year
HAH. What is this foreign concept called a “gap year?” A year without school? Lounging around the house without a job? Unheard of.
4. Loving white actresses because they eat food
“Jennifer Lawrence is so relatable she loves pizza!” “Amy Schumer is so quirky for liking carbs!” Like SHUT UP. Raise your standards! They suck.
5. Tracing their heritage back to a village 500 years ago
I come from Latin America and both my countries have been the subject of European colonization for hundreds of years, so who’s to say how much conquistador versus indigenous I am? But white people practically live on ancestry.com and love telling you they’re 1/64th insert-racial-minority-group-here.
6. Pier 1 Imports
PIER 1, CHEER 1
7. Pulling an Eat Pray Love
White people absolutely LOVE to “find themselves” and “experience a new culture” and “travel the spiritual world” or some other bullshit. Who has time to find themselves? Can’t relate.
8. Apple picking
White people are absolutely WILD about apple picking. Can’t go on Facebook without being invited to at least fifteen apple picking events. Only place I’ll pick my apples at is the store, thanks!
9. Putting mayo on things
These people can’t season food for shit yet they smother globs of mayo on everything. Disgusting.
10. Naming children things like Maykaleigh and Brylee.
ENOUGH
11. Sunburns
Can’t pretend to understand needing to use 90 SPF sunscreen or wearing long sleeves to the beach.
12. Macklemore
See also: the Kardashians or people who exploit black culture.
13. The movie Her
I tried watching this with my mom and she left because it was too bizarre for her. I stayed and watched it and regret spending two hours of my life on it. Only white people would think it would be a good idea to fuck a computer.
14. Juice cleansing
IT DOESN’T WORK.
15. Fit bits
Who cares enough to drop 500 bucks on a glorified pedometer?
16. Clapping after a plane lands
This is why pilots have such huge egos.
And finally,
17. Asking if it’s spicy
I know this is on every list that makes fun of white people, but it would be a disservice for me to not include it.
In conclusion, I am not one step closer to understanding white people.
