I am a writer, but I am also impatient. In fiction, solid plot and character development takes meticulously and painstakingly crafted detail (read: time). In non-fiction, respectable arguments and assertions take research (read: effort). In Dana’s writing: you will find off-the-cuff observations and unfunny quips (read: this article).
You’ll notice that many of these titles follow the format “Blah Blah Blah: Yadda Yadda.” This is because an English teacher once joked that the best titles always have colons in them, and I take people too literally. In all seriousness, a functioning colon, whether it be in regard to writing or digestive health, is a ~major~ key to a successful life. Without further ado and life tips, here is a list of the potential titles for the memoir I will never write:
- An Abridged History of My Inadequacies
- Wrinkles and Other Things I Try to Prevent
- All the Men Who Have Ever Known My Name and Yet Referred to Me as The Blonde One
- Concision: An Art I Have Not Mastered
- What Did You Mean When You Said I Don’t Look Like a Vegan
- Special K with Berries
- Sometimes My Voice Goes Up at the End of My Sentences
- Too Indecisive to Turn on Red
- My Dog was Diabetic
- I Highlighted My Collarbone for This?
- My First Words Were Hot Dog
- I Bruise Easily
- From Boleros to Capes: A Life in Outerwear Choices
- Prone to Sinus Infections
- Banana Laffy Taffy and Other Worldy Manifestations of the Devil I Avoid
- Are Dogs Just Not That into Me?
- Pantsuit
- Dad, You Taught Me Everything I Know about Exterior Illumination
- Eats a Little More Oatmeal than Normal
- Operatic Crying
- My Mom Told Me Not to Hiccup Publicly
- One Time I Ate Eleven Bananas in a Day and Other Confessions
- Dreams: I Have So Many
Image by Annie Warner.