You know, I really love a good conspiracy theory. Aliens in Area 51? Um, yes bitch, the truth is out there! Did Bush do 9/11 (and did Dick Cheney subsequently make money off the Iraq War?) Hell yeah! Is everyone who remembers it as Berenstein and not Berenstain from a parallel universe? Of course we are! Is Louis from One Direction faking new-fatherhood in order to hide his secret relationship with fellow bandmate, Harry Styles?
Well, okay, maybe not that one, that’s fucked up. The internet is a weird place. But all the other ones are definitely true.
Now I’ve been hashing out a couple theories of my own. Having been a student for two and some years here, I’m confident that I am well informed enough to investigate the mysteries that pervade these halls, and to craft my own Brown specific conspiracy theories. Here are a few of the best:
1. Bruno the Bear is actually a spy for Harvard
It is heart-wrenching to know that a creature so integral to our identity as Brown students would betray us like this! Unfortunately, I have it on good authority that Bruno and John Harvard go way, way back. Is there no one on this campus we can trust?
2. Ruth Simmons is trapped within her portrait in Sayles Hall
F R E E H E R.
3. Brown is really a social experiment conducted by a lab
Have you ever seen The Truman Show? Okay, I haven’t but I did IMDB it, and I’m convinced Brown’s campus is trapped in a similar dome for the purposes of conducting social experimentations on its subjects. I mean, be honest, have you ever actually left College Hill? Think about it.
4. John Krasinski haunts the Sci-Li
It is said that you can sometimes hear him in the stacks, humming the Office theme song in a minor key. Ever been working on an essay and feel yourself staring into a screen with a haunted, empty look in your eyes, hating your existence? John is behind all that…
5. One of Emma Watson’s turds is currently being held under someone’s bed in Keeney Quad
Emma Watson didn’t often poop while on campus. But when she did, you can bet it remained treasured by some single, desperate freshman who’s still bitter Emma graduated before they were even accepted to Brown. Poor Emma.
6. The Ratty food is made up of past alumni who never donated to the school
Think you probably won’t donate to Brown after you graduate? Think again unless you wanna end up in the “pork chops.”
Image via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, and Annie Warner.
