Living as a hopelessly romantic, single lady for nineteen years, I’ve definitely dabbled in various areas in the dating app world. Buuuut something I always struggle with is figuring out what simultaneously witty and flirtatious things I should put in my profile bios. Also, I have never been on a date in my life. I hear those are important in cultivating a real relationship. What am I supposed to do on those???
I decided to turn to my mother, Terry, who knows me pretty well and had at least two boyfriends by the time she was my age. She doesn’t let me live it down. I interviewed her to gain some more insight on myself and on how to answer any creative questions a guy might ask me on a date (hah). I’m a notorious over-thinker. Like, what if a guy asked me what my Patronus would be? Hell no, I’d need at least two weeks of research and BuzzFeed quizzes to figure that out. This is where Terry comes in.
I called her while she was shopping at Target. Terry was pretty blunt during this interview since this is a comedy blog, not a Hallmark card.
Me: If you had to describe me as one food, what would you pick?
Terry: Chocolate covered strawberry. You’re hard on the outside and soft on the inside? I don’t know.
Me: How do you think my lack of romantic experience will affect future relationships?
Terry: [Laughs] I think you’re too picky. Well, you’re young, I think you can still be picky. Ugh, I got one of those cards that make noises. I hate that. I’m putting it back.
I happen to find those cards festive. :/
Me: Which character from Friends am I?
Terry: I think I’m a combination of Rachel and Monica.
Thanks mom, but we’re talking about me here, k?
Terry: I’m gonna keep walking. What were you asking me? Hm…I think you’re more like Monica.
Me: But Monica’s super organized and clean.
Terry: That’s true, that’s not you. Are you like Chandler? You think you’re funny, he thinks he’s funny.
Me: I am funny.
Terry: Actually, you’re a little gullible like Rachel.
Me: What is the best joke I’ve ever told?
Terry: I don’t know, you can be pretty funny. That you get from me.
Naturally.
Me: What is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done?
Terry: Oh God. Too many to mention. I have to say the time that you ate the olive oil?
Me: Oh God. I drank it because I wanted to get sick and miss school the next day.
Terry: You drank it! No, there’s others, you have many. OH MY GOD, the spraying of the mace. That was horrible. You sprayed mace on your dorm room blinds. Jesus Christ.
In my defense, it was a brand new tube of pepper spray, and I was testing it out. Inside.
Me: What would you say my worst quality is?
Terry: You don’t have any.
Crowd: Awwwwwwwh
Terry: Actually, you can be annoying. Oh no, your worst quality is that you’re always looking for something medical wrong with you. You’re a hypochondriac.
Me: What would you say is my best quality?
Terry: Your mother.
Me: Do you want to expand on that?
Terry: No.
Hopefully, Terry’s insightful responses will allow me to blossom into the confident, sexy woman I was always meant to be. Or maybe I’ll just keep using my unfulfilling love life as a source for self-deprecating comedy. Sorry Terry.
