(co-written by Stephanie Purington)
College is a wonderful time,when young people begin to spread their wings and enjoy the freedoms of adulthood. (Maybe this a naive view of adulthood, but I plan to hold onto it for at least a little while longer). One of the not so fun parts of college? Getting sick. On top of problems sets and exams, you’ve got some symptoms, but you can’t quite place your finger on what’s ailing you. Who you gonna call? (Ghostbusters!) Health services? Nah. I’ll bet you all of the money in my wallet – which, since I am a broke college student, is approximately $3.27 – that the first person you dial is your mom.
I know that my mother has received plenty of phone calls that begin with, “Mom, I think I’m getting sick.” Since she is a patient and saintly person, she will then ask me to describe my symptoms, before offering a diagnosis and warning me not to trust whatever nonsense I read on WebMD. She may not be a capital-D Doctor in a white-coat, but she has been around the block a few times. Mom knows what’s up when it comes to what’s got me down. So this Mother’s Day, since I know there’s absolutely nothing my mom would rather do to celebrate, we’re putting her mom-nosis skills to the test. The doctor is in!
Symptoms:
Mom, I feel kind of funny. I’ve been in the library for three days, and I haven’t moved in so long that I’m starting to collect dust. I mean, I don’t feel bad, and I don’t feel sad. I just feel sort of like a wiggly pile of Jell-O, if a gelatinous dessert were to feel like something. Does that make sense? And I’m getting really hungry at this point, since my “friends” won’t bring me food anymore, no matter how many cute emojis I send. Even turning the pages in my textbook or skipping a song on Spotify is just too much effort right now. Ugh, what should I do-o-o-o?
Mom-nosis:
Come on, kiddo. You need to get your act together. Seriously. Get out of the library, take a shower, and get something to eat. Sounds to me like you’re just being lazy, and your dad and I have not been working our fingers to the bone for that! Is this about a boy? That one in your stats class? Or have you been listening to that awful Adele music again? I know that it always makes you a bit pensive and mopey. And are you getting enough fluids and rest? Those are important everyday, Sweetie.
Symptoms:
My head’s full of words
And so is my mouth
Limericks I’m crafting
And odes I must shout!
Oh mother dear
Oh mother of mine
Please help me out
I can speak only in rhyme!
Mom-nosis:
Are you taking a poetry class this semester? Or have you been reading your old Dr. Seuss books again? Hop on Pop was the first book you read, you know!
Or could it be your allergies acting up? I saw on the Weather Channel that the pollen levels are out of control this week. Maybe rhyming is a side effect of that ~fancy~ pollen they have in Rhode Island. And of course I have to check: are you getting enough fluids and rest? When I say that those are important everyday, I mean everyday, Sweetie.
Symptoms:
*croak* Mo- *cough* Mom. My throat *cough* feels kind of *cough cough* funny today. Well, actually it’s felt kind of funny for like four days, but I thought it would just go away, you know? *cough* I’m also kind of cold, but then sometimes I’m hot? Is this normal? Does this happen to people? *cough*
Mom-nosis:
Oh dear, those sound like some really strange symptoms. Let me Google this one. Maybe Chicken Pox or nearsightedness? We might need to consult a specialist about this. Have you been to any of the Great Lakes or to a children’s birthday party recently? Did you fall and bump your head on something? Maybe I should just come get you. And until I get there, remember plenty of fluids and rest, Sweetie.
So full of wisdom, this mother of mine! She is definitely better than WebMD. This Mother’s Day, let’s raise a glass (or 11) of water to mom. Here’s to proper hydration, 8 hours of sleep at night, and all the mom-noses still to come!
