Listen up, world. I’m about to drop some knowledge.
Did you know that assholes–as in jerks, not anuses–are bad?
Shocking, I know!
There’s a negative trend sweeping the nation. Allow me to illustrate, using three actual examples from the past two weeks of my life.
INT – LECTURE HALL – DAY
BRIANNA and ALI are sitting next to each other in class. The dutiful Ali is trying to pay attention, but BRIANNA’s phone is buzzing frantically.
ALI
Uhh… why is your phone-?
BRIANNA
Sorry, sorry, I can’t turn it off. My asshole friend texted me the entire script of the Bee Movie and it sent as 143 separate texts. She’s a gift.
EXT – MAIN GREEN – NIGHT
JOY and ALI are walking home after a club meeting when a glow-in-the-dark frisbee sails through the air and hits Joy on the hip. The BOY who threw it points and laughs.
ALI
Oh my god, what an asshole!
JOY
Right?
ALI
Give it to me, I’ll go say something-
But Joy has already flung the frisbee back.
JOY
It’s okay, that’s my friend. He’s hilarious.
INT – THE RATTY – DAY
HARRY is scooping peanut butter onto his English muffin. ALI, his acquaintance from class, approaches, waits patiently behind him, and gives a friendly wave.
ALI
Hey Harry! How are you?
HARRY
Not bad!
ALI
Would you pass me some grape jelly?
Harry reaches into the basket above him to grab some of the jelly. As he does, the sleeve of his shirt falls back to reveal a massive bruise on his upper bicep.
ALI
Holy shit, what happened to your arm?
HARRY
Oh, haha, my friend pushed me down some stairs on Saturday. He’s such an asshole, I love him.
Am I… Am I the only one who sees a problem here? Why are we all friends with assholes? Moreover, why is assholery considered a positive trait in those relationships? What ever happened to being friends with people who are, you know, nice to you?
Stop being friends with assholes.
This has been a PSA.
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