I was sober at Spring Weekend this year. Shocking? Maybe. Apparently, not everyone at this prestigious institution is a perfect golden child like I am. (Shout-out to Mom and Dad, who raised me to be both drug-free AND humble.) Anyways, horn tooting aside, I was sober… but my friends were not. My friends are also varied and creative, and they all chose different methods to get high/drunk/lit/turnt/generally impaired that weekend. This is a list of the texts they sent me, based on their vice of choice.
Drug: Good old-fashioned alcohol
Ever r u
I’m heeeeeeeeeeeeyrerereeeeeeee
I’m lost
O i see you
No i’m lost still
I left my key in your room
Nvm it’s in my boobd
LOL
I’m drinking vodka out of someone’s cowboy boot rn
New low or new high?
Experts disagree
I can’t find my phone
Drug: The weed, the marijuana, the pot
Me: I’m getting pizza
Her: Can u get me a slice
Me: Sure what kind?
Her: Pizza
fffuuuuuuUUUUCK
At least 400 maple leaf emojis in one text
420 blaze it (sent at 6:43 PM)
Loophole! (this was related to… absolutely nothing)
Can it, Pig Man (I hadn’t texted this person all day)
Drug: MDMA
Thank you for the bananaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (this was followed by approximately 8 million hearts)
I just want to kiss a girl okay let my gay heart live
Her: I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Ily2 pal
Her: No say it in full
Her: Or it won’t mean as much
Am I tripping like crazy right now or is there a child onstage? (there was a child onstage)
[The next day] the only good thing in the world is eggs
Drug: Tinashe
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’M TOO GAY FOR THIS
I’m crying and also laughing
Dead dead dead
Where are you? Let’s fuckin’ dance
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