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On “The Hill”

On "The Hill", Satire

Confessions of a Keeney RPL

September 20, 2017

Note: The author has since become a senior and a non-RPL and she says HAHA WADDUP BISHES!

I’ve lived in Keeney twice. Once during my freshman year and now as a junior working an RPL job in Archibald (my official title is World’s Worst WPC).

Living in Keeney again has had me deeply reflecting on my Brown experience, especially as I move on to my senior year. A lot has changed since freshman me lived in Keenasty. I mean, do we even call it that anymore?

For example, when I first got to “Jameson-Mead, 1st floor, Wait, oh my god, like, you’re a Ravenclaw, too? We should go to Josiah’s or something!” I still thought I was going to law school. Law school! Three years later, and while I do still plan to be unemployed, it will sadly be sans the JD. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill"

By Chloe Conspiracies

September 20, 2017

Patrons of Thayer Street: Have you found yourself wondering why the new inhabitant of 223 Thayer has taken an incomprehensibly long time to open? Don’t know what I’m talking about? Live under a rock? Upcoming vegan delicatessen blah-de-blah eatery By Chloe has been slotted to move into the address, but has taken a suspiciously long time to do so.

To both fill the over-priced food void in my stomach, as well as attempt to find reason in this bewildering situation, I have resorted to concocting my own perfectly reasonable reasons for why By Chloe is still not up and running. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Love for Fledgling and Mature Humans

September 17, 2017

Wandering the nooks and crannies of any college campus produces sights that are essentially the same: most places have some sort of hallowed building (i.e. a chapel, library, or auditorium with particular significance), expanse of land for lounging, and tasteful campus statues (or a giant blue decrepit teddy bear with a lamp emerging from its forehead). The most striking similarity among college campuses, however, is the people that you’ll see. Sure, you might be thinking “Brown’s so unique! We have a huge range of people on our campus,” and, I won’t say you’re wrong, but, have you noticed that college kids get inordinately excited from the mere sight of a small kiddo or a senior citizen? Have you wondered why that is? Well, because they don’t exist on college campuses! Everyone in a college campus is from about 17 to 60(ish?) years old. Seeing someone outside that age range is like spotting a unicorn—it’s a spectacle that you have to spend at least a few seconds oogling over. Continue Reading…

On "The Hill"

Accomplishments: A Plea for Mail

September 15, 2017

And so, with the passage of time, I have officially embarked on my junior year, a collegiate upperclasswoman, the equivalent of someone who just had their mid-life crisis and is now pretending to move on as if everything is fine. Ah, yes. Everything’s fine. As I sit thinking about how everything is fine and I’m not stressed at all, I contemplate what I’ve accomplished in my first two years at Brown.

Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Pop-Culture Lessons for Deprived Intellectuals

May 11, 2017

In keeping with the theme of Brown’s community being incredibly varied, quirky, and unique, one of my best friends that I’ve made this past year, Sofia, has a tendency to make jokes about topics HIGHLY disparate from the normal college-aged American millennial lingo (cue one of her infamous supply and demand jokes), as well as generally not understand the references of her peers.  Her characteristic joke repertoire comes from the relatively distinct way she was raised: without much, if any, TV, specifically not American programming.  While I interspersed playing outside, devouring books about insect species, and plopping on the couch to watch a good ol’ Reading Rainbow episode, she was likely reading an actual book, probably about the legitimate meteorological principles behind rainbows.  (This is not to say that I didn’t read books, [@ Brown: I swear my admission wasn’t a flaw!!] but to say that she REALLY read books.)  As well as her TV-less childhood may have prepared her brain for college and intellectual discussion, it inevitably deprived her of full conscious understanding of the wonderful jokes that her incredibly funny friends (me, obviously) make. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Perkins, A Place of Few Perks

May 1, 2017

Here at Brown, we determine housing through — if you’re not familiar with it — a blood-sucking, battle-to-the-death type lottery, which any campus tour will define as super “fun,” “random,” and something that “always works out!”  I unfortunately fell prey to this tricky rhetoric and genuinely believed that a fairy-tale housing selection process was the way it was all going to be.  So, when I saw my housing selection time was 6:20 p.m. I figured, okay, that’s right in between the start and end of the process so my odds are pretty good!

A friend asked how I’d fared with my lottery number and I explained my fairly average pick-time, to which he responded, “On which day, though?”  Panic ensued. Extreme fear. Disgusting lower back sweat. Bulging eyes. The prospect that there was more than one day for picking had not even dawned on me.  I frantically searched and realized I was picking on the second day, meaning on the 7-page long list of picking order, my housing group fell on approximately page 5.5.  Page 5.5 means a ridiculously high and unsettling likelihood of living in Perkins.

PERKINS.  Are you unfamiliar with it?  Let me tell you a bit about what I’ve learned about this hell-hole via upperclassmen: small, brown water, far, smelly, defunct showers, very far, rats, and did I mention, FAR.  Upon realization that my fate was likely a residence in Perkins, I began my journey through the 5 stages of grief. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Dear Seniors, Please Don’t Leave

April 30, 2017

As this semester wraps up, many of us on campus are getting ready to say goodbye to the Class of 2017, which sounds like fake news if we’re being honest, because 2017 sounds like a fake year. 2010? That sounds more real. That’s more like it. I’m not sure why I feel this way, but I honestly believe that Justin Bieber’s “Baby” came out yesterday. Why the release of that one song seems to have frozen time for me I don’t know, but it doesn’t change the fact that I genuinely feel like anything that has happened after the Biebs bowl cut epidemic has either happened a) way too fast to actually be real or b) as part of one of those very weird, long, too-vivid dreams I used to have in middle school.

BUT, if I learned anything from 2016, it’s that this is all, somehow, real (!!!!!). It’s actually happening. Our friends are going off to grad school. They’re finding apartments. They’re getting jobs. They are moving cross country, or abroad, or even staying in Providence, (but getting the hell outta here, they say).

To this I say: how… fucking… dare you? Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, On "The Hill"

Athleisure & Me

April 26, 2017

I peered out of my Grad Center window this morning and was blinded by pastels. I saw lacrosse shorts and cute-yet-impractical button-down-the-front skirts galore. After some tedious calculations, all signs seem to point to the fact that YES, it is mating season spring!

As I write this from my prime Ratty booth, I can’t help but admire the array of chic warm-weather styles there are out there. Denim with so many holes in it that it creates its own ventilation system… Flip flops– or if you’re cool enough, crocs… And of course, the romper (a cute yet intimidating item of clothing).

I’d rock all these swanky outfits, I tell myself, if only I could turn off the furnace that is my body. In essence, I perpetually look like I just came from the gym. Continue Reading…

On "The Hill"

A Very Very Very Fine House

April 24, 2017

The only thing better than being a grownup is pretending to be a grownup. Actually, that is a lie. There are a lot of things better than being a grownup, like a great pair of jeans, a whole milk latte, and getting the last word in a kickass argument. Also, being a kid. That might be better than being a grownup. But I am becoming older and, therefore, turning into a grownup in quite an uncontrollable manner—they call that aging, I think—so I am forced to come to terms with my fate and say that there is nothing better than pretending to be a grownup.

I have spent the last eight months of my life living in a house with my two best friends. This is not only the first time we have lived together, but is also the first time we have lived in a real grownup house together. We’ve all lived alone before—Jamie and I in cities like New York and Prague. Julia’s lived alone in Ethiopia, which makes her a much more interesting person. However, there is nothing quite like living, just the three of us, in the second floor of our big, old Victorian house for the first time, together. Continue Reading…