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Life & Other Drugs

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill"

By Chloe Conspiracies

September 20, 2017

Patrons of Thayer Street: Have you found yourself wondering why the new inhabitant of 223 Thayer has taken an incomprehensibly long time to open? Don’t know what I’m talking about? Live under a rock? Upcoming vegan delicatessen blah-de-blah eatery By Chloe has been slotted to move into the address, but has taken a suspiciously long time to do so.

To both fill the over-priced food void in my stomach, as well as attempt to find reason in this bewildering situation, I have resorted to concocting my own perfectly reasonable reasons for why By Chloe is still not up and running. Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, Love & Romance, Satire

The Everygirl’s Guide to Tinder

September 19, 2017

Well here I am, single again. No it’s cool, I’m okay, unfurrow your brows. Fortunately for all of us, I’m slowly but surely moving out of the “crying in line at the bank” phase and progressing into the “tequila will never leave me” part of the grieving process. Oh, and I’ve made myself a Tinder account. Admit it ladies, there’s honestly nothing more gruesomely satisfying than rating a man based on four low-qual photos of him at his senior prom and two lines of poorly-constructed self-reflection. Especially when one certain member of his species has Maced your heart in the face. Or perhaps you’re not in some sort of emotional spiral at all, you are a self-respecting, responsible young lady out here looking for love on a handheld device. More power to you. Future spinsters and social goddesses alike, I have compiled for us all a quick and easy guide to navigating the fuckboy hellscape that is Tinder. Enjoy. Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs

Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends but with More Late Stage Capitalism

September 18, 2017

Her name was Alexis. She was everything I wasn’t at the time: a teen, a sophisticate, a brunette with a Parisian fashion sense, a person who can get through an episode of Friends without falling asleep, and, most importantly, a horse aficionado.

And then she was none of those things, because I killed her. Well, a horse killed her, after she tripped over a rock, placing her face directly in line with her equine doom. To be graphic, it was death by hoof to the face. Like all great artists, the thing by which she was consumed ultimately snuffed the life out of her. But then again, as romantic as that sounds, it isn’t entirely true either. The horse only killed her because I wanted it to. Like an omnipotent and merciless god, I killed her. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs

Hot New Anxiety Cure: 1940s Jazz

September 18, 2017

I want to be better. As in, I want to be a better person, and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. It’s just that sometimes you reach the point where you could very easily be singing “Fix You” by Coldplay to yourself ABOUT yourself. That’s when you know it’s time to make a change.

I’d like to “fix” a myriad of things. I’d like to eat things other than cereal, develop some core strength, and become a “chill” texter. The thing that seems to be holding me back the most, however, besides the distance from my dorm to the gym, is the fact that I get too bogged down either being intimidated by people or just resenting them for no justifiable reason. I’m *cough cough* insecure. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Love for Fledgling and Mature Humans

September 17, 2017

Wandering the nooks and crannies of any college campus produces sights that are essentially the same: most places have some sort of hallowed building (i.e. a chapel, library, or auditorium with particular significance), expanse of land for lounging, and tasteful campus statues (or a giant blue decrepit teddy bear with a lamp emerging from its forehead). The most striking similarity among college campuses, however, is the people that you’ll see. Sure, you might be thinking “Brown’s so unique! We have a huge range of people on our campus,” and, I won’t say you’re wrong, but, have you noticed that college kids get inordinately excited from the mere sight of a small kiddo or a senior citizen? Have you wondered why that is? Well, because they don’t exist on college campuses! Everyone in a college campus is from about 17 to 60(ish?) years old. Seeing someone outside that age range is like spotting a unicorn—it’s a spectacle that you have to spend at least a few seconds oogling over. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs

Simping: What Is It and Can I Do It While My Grandma’s in the Room?

September 14, 2017

Simping. To simp, in its infinitive. Have you heard of it? Apparently, probably not if you’re not from Tucson, AZ. I say apparently because since arriving at this diverse institution of ours (Brown University) not one person has even had the slightest inkling as to what it means. “Pimping?” they ask me. “Did you say limping?” they demand to know. I just chuckle and pretentiously aerate (yes, I had to look up how to spell that word) my wine– SIKE. I’m underage. I only pretentiously aerate juice, usually of the cranberry variety. Hi, mom. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Pop-Culture Lessons for Deprived Intellectuals

May 11, 2017

In keeping with the theme of Brown’s community being incredibly varied, quirky, and unique, one of my best friends that I’ve made this past year, Sofia, has a tendency to make jokes about topics HIGHLY disparate from the normal college-aged American millennial lingo (cue one of her infamous supply and demand jokes), as well as generally not understand the references of her peers.  Her characteristic joke repertoire comes from the relatively distinct way she was raised: without much, if any, TV, specifically not American programming.  While I interspersed playing outside, devouring books about insect species, and plopping on the couch to watch a good ol’ Reading Rainbow episode, she was likely reading an actual book, probably about the legitimate meteorological principles behind rainbows.  (This is not to say that I didn’t read books, [@ Brown: I swear my admission wasn’t a flaw!!] but to say that she REALLY read books.)  As well as her TV-less childhood may have prepared her brain for college and intellectual discussion, it inevitably deprived her of full conscious understanding of the wonderful jokes that her incredibly funny friends (me, obviously) make. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Satire

The Ethics of Magic in Sabrina the Teenage Witch

May 10, 2017

Sabrina the Teenage Witch is the best television show in the history of motion pictures, the moving image, and humankind. It’s the best show because it combines teenage girl problems (studying, sneaking out, what to do when your boyfriend gets two cartilage piercings) with young witch problems (getting your Witch’s License, traveling through a vortex in your linen closet, what to do when your furniture starts talking during your Halloween party), thus making it highly relatable.

If this premise doesn’t convince you of Sabrina’s excellence, let me remind you that the school mascot was the Fighting Scallions, and that Ru Paul, the Violent Femmes and Jerry Springer were guest stars, and that in one episode the family’s talking cat Salem dons a suit stuffed with dollar bills and orders sushi from two very confused chefs. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Perkins, A Place of Few Perks

May 1, 2017

Here at Brown, we determine housing through — if you’re not familiar with it — a blood-sucking, battle-to-the-death type lottery, which any campus tour will define as super “fun,” “random,” and something that “always works out!”  I unfortunately fell prey to this tricky rhetoric and genuinely believed that a fairy-tale housing selection process was the way it was all going to be.  So, when I saw my housing selection time was 6:20 p.m. I figured, okay, that’s right in between the start and end of the process so my odds are pretty good!

A friend asked how I’d fared with my lottery number and I explained my fairly average pick-time, to which he responded, “On which day, though?”  Panic ensued. Extreme fear. Disgusting lower back sweat. Bulging eyes. The prospect that there was more than one day for picking had not even dawned on me.  I frantically searched and realized I was picking on the second day, meaning on the 7-page long list of picking order, my housing group fell on approximately page 5.5.  Page 5.5 means a ridiculously high and unsettling likelihood of living in Perkins.

PERKINS.  Are you unfamiliar with it?  Let me tell you a bit about what I’ve learned about this hell-hole via upperclassmen: small, brown water, far, smelly, defunct showers, very far, rats, and did I mention, FAR.  Upon realization that my fate was likely a residence in Perkins, I began my journey through the 5 stages of grief. Continue Reading…