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Listicles

Some Thoughts On That Article About Chipotle Calories

February 18, 2015

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The New York Times recently published an article detailing the significant amount of calories many of us inadvertently consume when eating at the only fast food restaurant that matters, Chipotle. Read it at your own risk. In the meantime, I am going to unpack my reactions to this sharp journalistic blow in my burrito-filled gut.

  1. I’m going to keep eating at Chipotle.
  2. But let’s be real: is any of this actually a surprise?
  3. It’s not like I’m eating it every day. This week.
  4. I never thought the health-obsessed fast food backlash would make it to Chipotle. I’m really shook up right now.
  5. I know the Times is supposed to inform the public and all that, but sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
  6. There’s a “guac costs extra calories” joke in here somewhere.
  7. How’s Taco Bell taking this news?
  8. Sofritas wasn’t included in this sample, but everyone knows sofritas taste like nothing, which obviously means it has no calories. Long live sofritas!
  9. But sometimes you just need a 1,000 calorie burrito, you know?
  10. The article made no mention of Chipotle margarita purchases, which I imagine could adversely affect the amount of chips and guac consumed.
  11. Is this actually suggesting we order Chipotle sans rice and beans? Doesn’t the New York Times have editors?
  12. Some of the meals with higher calorie counts include chips and guacamole in addition to a burrito! Who besides the 1% spends that much on a single meal at Chipotle?
  13. Also, it seems that most of the meals above 1,000 calories are above that mark because they include chips. If you’re counting calories, maybe don’t do that!
  14. Be this article good or bad, Qdoba wishes it had publicity like this.
  15. Tortillas are about 300 calories each, but I don’t think the writers considered that they are divine. I’m looking forward to a counterpoint Times op-ed on this topic.
  16. I still don’t understand how anyone likes sour cream. If someone could explain it to me, that would be great.
  17. The research clearly did not account for the calories in that inch at the bottom of the burrito that no one eats because it’s lost all structural integrity by then.
  18. I wonder if there will be a correlation between reading this article and investigating one’s genetic predisposition for heart disease.
  19. Bowls and burritos are each referred to as a “vessel,” so if this calorie exposé really messes with Chipotle, it sounds like they at least have a future in seafaring.
  20. To anyone thinking they can just consume their daily recommended amount of calories at Chipotle and nothing else: please don’t do that.

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Life & Other Drugs

I’m A Fair-Weather Patriots Fan And Life Is Great Right Now

January 29, 2015

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In this Sunday’s Super Bowl XLIX, the New England Patriots will go head to head with the Seattle Seahawks. These teams are apparently a formidable pair in the timeless American game of football! I know this because I just started watching NFL games a few weeks ago — you know, once the Patriots got into the playoffs.

That’s right. I’m one of those people that only cares about sports when the team I’m supposed to be a fan of due to regional and familial affiliation (or die at the hands of #patsnation) is doing well. And it’s awesome.

“Ugh, girls like you are so fake,” you say. You’re damn right I am! I can count the number of Pats players I know on one hand. The only time I’ve been inside Gillette Stadium was for a Rolling Stones concert. And I shout “GROOOONK!!!” to the heavens less often than I should. Now, I’m going to attend fun-filled Super Bowl parties where I pretend to have stakes in the game’s outcome! Are you angry yet?

Being a Patriots fan with no strings attached — nay, a naive NFL spectator — is a delight. Why torture myself with weekly wins and losses when I can save my spirits for when sports are actually fun? Are you truly fond of ogling Bill Belichick’s sideline grimace week after week? Besides, everyone knows that cheap beer tastes better when you chase it by shouting at a dear friend because they happen to be from Seattle. How wonderfully arbitrary!

Logically speaking, I have no reason to hate the Seahawks. But since the NFL is an absurd dystopia where logic has no place, I now loathe the team with every bit of my being. Pass the wings!

And let us not forget Deflategate! Oh, what a joy! Had I cheered on the Patriots all season, I probably wouldn’t have had the energy to laugh like a child every time Tom Brady said “balls.” This pseudo-scandal has no bearing on the rest of my life, but now that it’s time to fill my Patriots appreciation quota, I can’t get enough! Balls, balls, balls.

Football is less Breaking Bad and more American Idol — I don’t have to binge watch every episode before the season finale, just tell me who doesn’t suck so I don’t have to ask any questions. So bring on the nachos, uncomfortably sexual commercials for junk food, and a half-time show that doesn’t matter since Beyonce isn’t there (probably).

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Satire

Recipe: Holiday Cookies For People Still Figuring Stuff Out

December 4, 2014

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Time: 15 minutes to prep, 10 minutes to cook, 5 more years to get your life together

Serves: Whoever gets to them first

Ingredients:

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup your purpose — ha, just kidding!

1 cup sugar

½ cup Splenda, because, well, you know

1 jumbo egg, not those inferior medium-sized ones

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder (don’t mess it up this time)

¼ tsp salt

½ cup butter (it’s just a whole stick, please don’t put it in measuring cups again)

1 tsp vanilla

1 tsp ginger

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp whatever else you have on the spice rack because there’s no way you have allspice or anything like that

Instructions:

  1. Preheat oven to 375. You’re right, that does take too long. Nudge it down to 350. No one will know.
  2. Spray cookie sheet with non-stick…okay, fine, you don’t have any spray, just don’t use…alright, you’re using olive oil.
  3. Cream together butter and sugar. Add the vanilla. This would be so much easier if you had the stand mixer like Mom does at home.
  4. How’s Mom doing? You haven’t talked to her in a while.
  5. You should call your mom.
  6. Never mind. She didn’t answer.
  7. In a separate bowl, beat egg.
  8. Wash your hands. Wait, did you touch the faucet already? Aw, man, you had raw egg on you!
  9. Worry that you and everyone you touch will contract Salmonella.
  10. In a separate bowl, sift together the rest of the ingredients. Since you probably don’t have a sifter, just toss ‘em around until you have a nice dust cloud going.
  11. Worry about the consequences of inhaling contents of said dust cloud.
  12. Get your inhaler. Better safe than sorry.
  13. Combine wet and dry ingredients and mix until blended. Do not mix after that. If you do that, your cookies will be ruined and you will be forbidden from baking anything ever again.
  14. Place the raw dough you didn’t already eat in balls two inches apart on greased baking sheet.
  15. Mom called back! She’s doing great. Oh, wait, now there’s Salmonella on the phone!
  16. Cram as much dough as you possibly can onto baking sheet before eating the rest. Who has time to bake two batches?
  17. Place in preheated oven for however long you’d like, since everyone knows cookies are better when they’re a little chewy inside. And don’t bother cooling them.

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The Tabloids

Gilmore Girls Reviews From Someone Who’s Never Watched Gilmore Girls

November 13, 2014

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Introduction: Everyone really likes Gilmore Girls, but I was too busy spending my childhood eating Dunkaroos and watching Spongebob to care about real people doing real things on real television. Shortly after its arrival to Netflix a few weeks ago, praise for the show erupted once more, causing me to grow concerned that my womanhood was somehow impaired due to never watching it. Though I’m too busy catching up with Mad Men to indulge in Gilmore Girls, I wanted to pay my respects to the classic show somehow.

Methods:

1. Skim the frighteningly hyperbolic Yahoo! TV article “10 ‘Gilmore Girls’ Episodes that Will Make You Want to Binge-Watch All 7 Seasons of Netflix.”

2. Doubt that claim.

3. Read IMDB descriptions for each episode listed.

4. Use context clues in an attempt to review key episodes of this apparently iconic show.

“Those Are Strings, Pinocchio” – Season 3, Episode 22

Rory graduates from Chilton, and the girls look forward to traveling in Europe, Yale, and opening the new inn.

The third season’s emotional roller coaster comes to a grinding halt as the gal pals fight with the Yale administration in an attempt to open a bed and breakfast inside one of the dorms. After little budge from the faculty and staff, the girls hide aboard cargo ship across the Atlantic to begin their dormitory hotel empire on another continent.

“Written in the Stars” – Season 5, Episode 3

Luke and Lorelai enjoy their first official date where Luke tells her he’s all in for their relationship. Their new relationship is the basis for the next town hall meeting. Paris has a wake for the passing of her boyfriend and Rory meets a new guy.

Surprise — Luke and Lorelai’s first official date was actually at the town hall meeting! Classic Lorelai. Also, I refuse to believe anyone dies on Gilmore Girls, so I’m guessing Paris is mourning her boyfriend passing his bar exam and moving to Hollywood to practice entertainment law.

“Dear Emily and Richard” – Season 3, Episode 13

When Sherry goes into labor and asks Rory to be with her at the hospital, Lorelai is reminded of the day Rory was born. Flashbacks tell the story of 16-year-old Lorelai as she learns she is pregnant, decides not to marry Christopher, and ultimately leaves home with her new baby.

Ah, the flashback episode — and a somber one, at that. What was neglected from the synopsis is Lorelai’s establishment of a newspaper advice column under pen names “Emily and Richard,” where she pretends to be a married couple arguing about the proper advice to give their readers.

“Help Wanted” – Season 2, Episode 20

Lorelai helps her dad open his new office and gets the cold shoulder when she tells him she has a job already. Rory tries to let everyone know Jess wasn’t the only one at fault for the accident and with a new music store in town, Lane discovers her new love.

By cold shoulder, you mean change in body temperature from Lorelai improperly installing the thermostat in her father’s office. Classic Lorelai, at it again! I don’t really want to talk about the accident, but at least Lane’s having a good day.

“The Deer Hunters” – Season 1, Episode 4

Rory misses an English test, which she has studied especially hard for. Lorelai yells at headmaster Charleston to get Rory a make-up test.

This unforgettable episode is the culmination of a story arc that began in the pilot and featured Rory studying a different part of speech each subsequent episode. The actress that plays Lorelai received an Emmy nomination for her now famous speech on the importance of independent clauses.

“A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving” – Season 3, Episode 9

Rory and Lorelai work to fit in four thanksgiving dinners but they don’t eat much at the family dinner when Lorelai finds out Rory applied at more colleges then just Harvard. Lane has her first kiss and human Kirk and cat Kirk have a little adjusting to do.

Season three’s Thanksgiving episode was groundbreaking both in its audacity to show human-cat hybrids at the dinner table and for being the first television show to name a college other than Harvard on American airwaves. And I’m happy that things are still going well for Lane.

“The Bracebridge Dinner” – Season 2, Episode 10

While Rory struggles to keep the budding rivalry between Dean and Jess under control, Lorelai invites most of the citizens of Stars Hollow to an elaborate feast complete with Elizabethan costumes and horse-drawn sleigh rides, during which Richard announces to Emily that he has retired.

Textbook Lorelai right here.

“We’ve Got Magic to Do” – Season 6, Episode 5

Rory’s World War II-themed DAR bash is a piperoo (even when suddenly impoverished Paris joins the proletariat as a server). But the bash goes smash when Richard confronts Mitchum Huntzberger.

I have no idea what any of this means.

“Friday Night’s Alright for Fighting” – Season 6, Episode 13

Lorelai and Rory go to the Gilmore mansion for Friday night dinner, and there is a fight. Luke is still getting to know April.

Lorelai and Rory are jealous that Luke and April got front-row tickets to the Gilmore mansion Boxing Tournament — and given that shocker of a final round, I’d be envious, too.

“That’ll Do, Pig” – Season 3, Episode 10

It’s Richards’s birthday and his mother arrives from Europe to help celebrate and announce she’s moving back to the states, but not everybody is happy about the news. Rory has her hands full at school with Francie and her and Dean decide to be friends, which has Jess a little insecure.

In another television first, Gilmore Girls writers traveled into the future, read Tina Fey’s screenplay for Mean Girls, and tried to adapt it for their show. The episode received mixed to negative reviews, discouraging future-script-stealing for years to come.

Discussion: People’s lives were actually shaped by this show?

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Life & Other Drugs

I Hate How Much I Love Starbucks’ Holiday Cups

November 6, 2014

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Ten months out of twelve, you’ll find me getting my caffeine fix at independent coffee joints — you know, the ones named after animals or negative emotions with approximately three wooden chairs and a poorly lit wall cubby for seating. I wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those, dare I say, corporate chain coffee shops. After all, I have a pretentious coffee drinker reputation to uphold!

Come November, though, that all changes faster than you can say cold brew. Maybe it’s the desire for some semblance of consistency among the ever-changing weather. Maybe it’s the holiday season looming over us. Maybe it’s the cold metal benches at that other coffee place.

But boy, do I love those stupid red holiday cups from Starbucks more than anything else. When the world’s monopolistic coffee overlords announced the tantalizing maroon cups were back to seduce us, I threw on my parka and audibly screamed to the tune of “Jingle Bells.” And I hate it.

Starbucks’ coffee tastes like the devil himself roasted beans in the fires below, and I’m never quite sure if the cookie I ordered is edible food or a plastic model. Those holiday drinks? Molten sucrose. Liquid root canals. Simply thinking about them makes my blood sugar rise. And here’s the real kicker — it’s not even Christmas yet! I should be spending November plunging my face into piles of mashed potatoes, not uncomfortably room temperature whipped cream atop my latte.

Alas, I’m going to buy the dumb seasonal drinks anyway —  because once those red cups are here, I’m a goner. A hopeless slave to winter consumerism. I don’t even care if they write my name wrong on the cup. Draw a snowman on it, for all I care. Just help me fill my holiday cheer quota and give me the damn red cup. And while you’re at it, put that cookie in a red cup, too.

Those relatives who post Facebook statuses ranting about materialism during the Christmas season? I don’t think they considered how adorable these cups are. Parents complaining about kids these days dropping four bucks on coffee? You’re right, it is pretty ridiculous! But then again, I have a Peppermint Mocha and you don’t.

Just you wait — soon enough, I’ll be towering high above my enemies on my red cup throne wielding Venti Gingerbread Lattes in both mitten-wearing hands. Under my all powerful and all sugary rule, the store’s radio will play nothing besides Otis Redding’s cover of “White Christmas.” That’s right, the one from Love Actually. I may not be able to flirt with the bearded, flanneled barista at the shop around the corner, but at least I can guzzle down high fructose corn syrup in the presence of employees that seem slightly concerned about my well-being. But as long as my sugar high-induced delusions of grandeur continue, they will do nothing but laugh amidst their espresso arsenal and make me another drink.

Believe me: I wish I was above this. With all of my caffeinated heart, I seek to stop infusing my bloodstream with peppermint syrup. Every time I close my eyes, my eyelids are lined with tacky snowflake decals. Resistance appears more futile each and every day. Do I want this season to end, or do I want to live among holiday-neutral products forever? What if the world is just one giant red holiday cup and we’re all trapped inside of it?

This holiday season, I pray that you act stronger than I. Do not be a pawn in the corporate marketing game. Celebrate the season with your loved ones, not soggy pieces of cookie mixed with espresso. Buy a drink from your local coffee shop, then tell the workers how much you love the Christmas display they made from Chemex brewers.

Of course, all of this is after you get a red cup. Seriously, they’re the cutest.

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Life & Other Drugs, Satire

A Rant From The Guy Without A Culturally Relevant Halloween Costume

October 30, 2014

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Speaking as someone whose self-worth is solely determined by my ability to impress others with a witty and timely Halloween costume, October 31, 2014 is going to be a pitiful night. Honestly, what happened this year?

Beyonce and Jay-Z almost got divorced. Pharrell wore that hat and had that song on the radio. Ariana Grande.

“But there are some great movies and television shows that came out this year!” you say in the shrill, repulsive voice of someone probably wearing a devil costume for the third year in a row. What am I going to be, Ben Affleck from Gone Girl? The kid from Boyhood? A man in boring clothes dressed as his pathetic self?

Who the hell do you think I am?

I’m the Herald of Halloween, the Prince of Pop Culture, the Duke of Doing October Right. I ordered cowboy boots and a blonde wig a second after Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift. Last year, I almost got arrested in my Walter White costume. When Mitt Romney had binders full of women, I had binders full of costumes related to the 2012 election. You probably think I had a pretty creative binder costume, right? Wrong. I was Paul Ryan in workout clothes from his unforgettable Time Magazine photoshoot.

This isn’t a game. It’s a lifestyle. And even if 2014’s disgrace of a year is throwing a monkey wrench at me, don’t forget that I’m still going to find a way to do it better than every single one of you.

Aw, you’re dressing up as Ron Burgundy this year? How adorably 2004 of you. What’s the plan for next year, pal, Zoolander? Just because this year wasn’t culturally fruitful doesn’t mean you have the right to embarrass the rest of us with an outdated costume. This Halloween, do us all a favor by staying in with a Judd Apatow DVD and candy for drooling trick-or-treaters instead of showing your sorry face around these parts.

Sadly, some of you hopeless fiends think you can still whip some shred of a costume together with your roommate’s dirty laundry. Even more of you will approach me with your so-called trendy and innovative suggestions. What do I look like a, Pinterest board (which, by the way, I wore as a costume last year)? Those of you who think your DIY Orange is the New Black costumes are the most clever get-ups this side of Netflix clearly forgot that I dressed as a prison guard last year — you know, back when it was relevant. By the way, those handcuffs were real.

And don’t even think about saying the f-word: Frozen. Little girls around America — nay, the entire sequin-clad world — beat me to that months ago. Do you really think I’m here to copy a bunch of children?

I’m in it to win it.

So, while the rest of you are harassing underpaid workers for the last pair of moldy cat ears at your local party store, I’ll be gluing my corneas to Twitter, eagerly awaiting the next culture-shaking event. With actual glue. When you breathe, sweat, and bleed Halloween superiority, there’s no time for mercy.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some Shia LaBeouf articles to peruse.

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Life & Other Drugs, Satire

Everyone Still Plays Neopets (They’re Lying Otherwise)

October 23, 2014

Remember last week when your friend reminisced on the nostalgic splendor of Neopets?

“Oh man, I was on Neopets nonstop back in elementary school. Good times.”

Face it: Your friend is hopelessly deceiving you. Those good times are not times of the past — they are the glorious present. Everyone still has an active and prosperous Neopets account, and anyone who suggests otherwise is a treacherous liar. You may be embarrassed, and you may be ashamed, but it is time to cast misery aside, leave the somber shadow of denial, and feed your Neopets.

Even if you “apparently” don’t play Neopets anymore — which is a lie — take a moment to consider the wondrous utopia that is Neopia. There are no student loans on Neopets. Neopians don’t pay sales tax. And while your Neopets might get hungry once in a while, no one ever dies.

Everyone lives forever. Everyone still plays Neopets.

Whenever your mom yelled at you for being on Neopets on the dial-up for so long, it wasn’t because she needed the phone in the family office to call your aunt. It was because you were taking away from her precious Meerca Chase time.

In fifth grade, your teacher banned Neopets from the classroom computers to prevent distraction. Her true motivation? Fear.

“How could I let a group of ten-year-olds establish more profitable shops than me?” she groggily mumbled to herself at her desk while plotting your fall from Neopian grace on an apple-shaped sticky note.

Last semester, your history professor said you could write about whatever you wanted to for your final paper. You wrote about the American Revolution. He replaced the name of every major historical figure with the name of a Neopet. Later that evening, he wrote about how awful your paper was on the Neopets message boards while wallowing in the Neopian economy’s inflation.

You overheard someone complaining about pulling an all-nighter to finish his or her computer science assignment. The next time you hear “computer science,” replace it with “practicing cute HTML on Neopets.” Things make a lot more sense now, don’t they?

Every time you greet your boss at work, know that she visits your Neopets every day to make sure you’re feeding them. That raise you got a few weeks back? Let’s just say it wasn’t your performance at work that impressed her.

Barack Obama? He’s one of those people that actually spends real money on Neopets. Make fun of him all you’d like, but there’s no denying that his pets are a hell of a lot cuter than yours. Don’t be surprised when the next State of the Union address is the State of Neopia instead.

And don’t forget your roommate, the one you want to know better but don’t seem to get along with very well. The unbearable glow of her computer screen at 3 AM isn’t an English paper she’s finishing. Next time the clicking of her keyboard keeps you up, ask her if you want to be Neofriends.

She’ll say yes. Because she knows that you still play Neopets, too.

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Listicles

Revisiting 2000s Angsty Song Lyrics

October 16, 2014

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Blink-182 – “I Miss You”

We can live like Jack and Sally if you want

Where you can always find me

And we’ll have Halloween on Christmas

And in the night we’ll wish this never ends

We’ll wish this never ends

If you want tacky costumes and fun-size candy bars, fine. But don’t you dare try to take away my holiday cheer.

Simple Plan – “Untitled”

How could this happen to me?

I’ve made my mistakes

Got nowhere to run

And life goes on as I’m fading away

Hey, dude, I’m here if you need to talk to anyone.

Good Charlotte – “Girls & Boys”

Girls don’t like boys,

Girls like cars and money

Good Charlotte needs feminism.

 

Fall Out Boy – “Sugar We’re Going Down”

Is this more than you bargained for yet?

Oh, don’t mind me I’m watching you two from the closet

Wishing to be the friction in your jeans

What? What are you doing? How did you get in my closet? Please get out. I’m going to call the police.

 

Linkin Park – “Numb”

I’ve become so numb

I can’t feel you there

Become so tired

So much more aware

Have you spoken to a doctor about this?

 

Panic! at the Disco – “I Write Sins, Not Tragedies”

I’d chime in with a

“Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?”

No, it’s much better to face these kind of things

With a sense of poise and rationality

No one knows what any of this means.

 

Brand New – “Seventy Times 7”

Have another drink and drive yourself home

I hope there’s ice on all the roads

And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt

And again when your head goes through the windshield

I’m redialing the police.

 

My Chemical Romance – “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)”

I’m not okay

I’m not okay

I’m not okay

You wear me out

Actually, this is fine.

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Satire

An Open Letter From The Neglected Apple

October 9, 2014

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Dear Pumpkin-Praising Public,

You betrayed me. I once sat on the throne of spiced autumnal confections, and now it seems I have been relegated to nothing more than a side to your broccoli and cheddar soup at Panera. And what have I been replaced with? Some pumpkin mush, cinnamon and flour thrown together and tossed in the oven — as if nothing is sacred!

Each and every one of you who blindly worships the pumpkin disgust me. Did the valiant tale of Johnny Appleseed fade from your minds? Did the espresso fumes cloud your desire for a warm slice of apple pie on an October day? Have you no taste for variety? The regal Gala, the timeless Granny Smith, and let us not forget the miracle of modern science that is the Honeycrisp! (Except for Red Delicious. Nobody actually likes him.)

And you can bet your overpriced pumpkin muffin that I know the biggest culprit behind my downfall: that godforsaken pumpkin spice latte. Especially you sick people trying to make #PSL happen. What about a piping hot mug of spiced cider? Hard cider, even! Do you not believe in comfort? You smug pumpkin sympathizers think you’re so great with your seasonal pumpkin brews. Well, guess what, folks? While your beloved gourds wither in any temperature above 70 degrees, I’ll be cozy in the hands of some successful young professionals blowing off some steam after a long day. You know, people with actual jobs and stuff.

Perhaps you like the creative and whimsical side of pumpkins — carving, painting, what have you. First of all, I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but it’s definitely no coincidence that pumpkins require dangerously sharp knives to be carved. Why is the Big Pumpkin industry hiding our jack-o-lantern injury statistics? Wake up, America! And as for decorating, maybe pumpkins wouldn’t need to be slathered with acrylic paint if they were something other than ugly orange lumps in the first place. Yeah, I said it.

Let us also not forget the steady and shameful decline in apple-picking. Elementary school field trips to the orchard of yesteryear have been replaced with Instagrams from teenage girls — with bad filters, mind you! Besides, have you actually been to a pumpkin patch? The pumpkins are literally on the ground. Remember, your mom always told you not to eat food off the ground. Tell me, who do you love more: pumpkins or your mother?

You know what, fine. Go sip the foam off your lattes and carve Bob’s Burgers characters into rotting squash for your Halloween display. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen of someone who actually cares.

I hate you all,

The Apple

It's a Girl Thing

What Women Want: More Accurate Jeopardy! Answers

October 2, 2014

This past Monday, beloved dinnertime game show Jeopardy! included a category entitled “What Women Want.” Rather than address legitimate necessities, however, it emphasized our fragile female needs for vacuum cleaners, the New York Times crossword puzzle, and Sleepytime tea. I’ll take “Not So Subtle Sexism” for $200, Alex.

Instead of angrily writing about the many problems with airing something like this, I decided to come up with some alternative answers for the category. Jeopardy! producers reading this, I am available this weekend for consultation. Let’s start the show!

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What are “realistic standards of beauty?”

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What is “entertainment featuring complex and diverse female characters?”

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What is “equal pay?”

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What is “birth control covered by my insurer?”

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What is “not catcall women?”