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It's a Girl Thing

A Music Listening Guide for Queer Girls

March 16, 2017

Are YOU gay/bisexual/queer?

Do YOU identify as a woman?

Are YOU sick of media with representation that either A) ends in the queer character dying [I’m looking at you specifically, The 100] or B) sucks major ballsack????

Do YOU have a mini panic attack every time you have to come within a foot of a pigeon? (No? Just me? Okay.)

If you found that you answered yes to all of these questions, well this is your lucky day. I have compiled a list of some of my fav queer female artists for YOU. Yes, YOU! (Look, you probably already know who I’m about to list, considering the short list I’m working with here, but just roll with it.) (Also if you’re legitimately looking for underground artists that you haven’t heard of, then you should turn those expectations down a good few notches.)

NUMERO UNO: Hayley Kiyoko

Who dis chick: Yes, this is that girl from the DCOM Lemonade Mouth. You’ve probably seen her music video “Girls Like Girls.” It’s great. Actually, all of her music videos are great. Go watch them.

What should you listen to: All of it. It’s all fantastic. She just released a song called “Sleepover” and it’s great for some casual simping. (Simping: slang for listening to music while feeling bad for yourself. Most commonly used to connote that you’re reminiscing on a relationship. Used in a sentence: Rihanna’s Love on The Brain got me simping.)

When you should listen to this: After your aunt tells you and your girlfriend for the tenth time that night what cute friends you guys are.

Would I die for her: Probably

NUMERO DOS: Kehlani

Who is DIS: Tbh I don’t really know much about her, but her music is dope. I highly recommend it for running. Although, I do not highly recommend running in general. In fact, I discourage it. Save yourself the excruciating pain.

What you should listen to: Her new album SweetSexySavage is perfect pump up music for any activity. I already mentioned running, but maybe you’re doing laundry. Fold your T-shirts as you twerk to ‘CRZY.’ Or pretend you’re the hoe you wish you were as you listen to ‘Distraction.’

When you should listen to this: As you pretend you’re going to talk to that cute girl in your biology class tomorrow, when we both know you’re not.

NUMERO TRES: Nicki Minaj

Who EVEN is this: Okay we all know Nicki Minaj. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. But, what most people don’t know, or like to ignore, is that this 1/3 of the holy trio (Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, and Beyoncé) is bisexual.

Don’t believe me? Go listen to “I endorse these strippers.” In it she raps, and I quote, “I tell the hoes when they strip that they can play with my clit” and “boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, lotta boobs, man I make the baddest bitches send me nudes.” (And if I am wrong, please don’t tell me. I would rather live in denial than live in a world in which Nicki Minaj isn’t bisexual.)

When you should listen to this: Literally all the time. You can’t turn it off. It’s illegal.

NUMERO CUATRO: Lauren Jauregui

Okay, but who is this: THIS is ¼ (lmao bye Camila) of Fifth Harmony. She came out in a really poignant letter to Donald Trump voters. It was pretty iconic. If all you know about Fifth Harmony is that they have some songs on the radio and an awful name, I suggest you get to know them better. They are a group of women of color who are taking down the patriarchy one hit bop at a time.

What you should listen to: She and Marian Hill recently came out with a song called “Back to Me” and it is DOPE. Also I just recommend all of Fifth Harmony’s music for a fun time with your pals. My personal favs are “Everlasting Love” (for a casual simp), “Reflection” (when you need a LOVE YOSELF tune), “No Way” (for a serious simp), and “All In My Head” (just for the good times).

When you should listen to this: Every month on the full moon. It’s perfect for background music as you practice your brujeria.

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Satire

A Tentative Anthology on the Pretentious Intellectual Male™ Experience

March 15, 2017

He brings me to a secluded café on the edge of campus. Inside, everything is made of wood. Everything here seems to be on the precipice of something amazing… It’s the possibility of it all that really catches my breath.

I inhale the smell of coffee and sigh. “You’ve really found yourself a gem here,” I say.

He nods, not saying anything. He doesn’t have to. With a faraway look in his eyes that dream of better days, he flips his hair.

I begin, “So, can we—“

He cuts me off with a swipe of his hand. “Not yet,” he says, still not looking me in the eyes. He sips his cappuccino. “I’m in the middle of a thought about the influence of Kantian aesthetics in Infinite Jest. It cannot be disturbed.”

I nod. Of course, he’s so right. What a fool I am. A silly fool.

He bends down and unzips his backpack and pulls out a big blue book. “What is that?” I ask. I am completely befuddled. What could such a big, such a blue, book be? It sure is big. And it sure is blue.

He scoffs. “This?” he asks.

I nod. I’m very excited for him to explain this big blue book to me. I wish he would explain everything to me.

“This is Infinite Jest.” He shows me the cover. It says, Infinite Jest. 

“Well,” I say, “It sure is big. And blue.”

He nods contemplatively. “Yes, it is quite big I suppose. It’s taken me two months just to get halfway through it. But it’s worth it.”

“Oh. Maybe I should read it if it’s that good.” I throw the idea out there on a whim.

He shakes his head. “Most people can’t get through it. It’s too big. Too complicated. Too… blue.”

I nod. Once again, he is right.

He makes some note in the margin and then turns to me. “Why are we here again?”

I shake my head and get my thoughts back on track. “Would it be all right if I asked you a few questions?”

He shrugs. “I suppose.”

“Great!” I smile. “So, how did you,” I gesture to him, “create this?”

“My aesthetic?” He asks. I don’t respond, but he continues anyway. “It’s not something I did consciously and it’s not something I can think about. It just happens.”

“Could you—” Oh goodness I’m so nervous. “Could you teach me?”

He laughs. “Oh, it’s not something that can be taught.”

I nod. Of course.

He looks at his watch. “Oh, I have to go.”

“What? But you said the interview would be at 3 o’clock. You got here at 4. It’s only been fifteen minutes.” I am in shock. I don’t understand.

“Well that’s the key, isn’t it?” He shoulders his backpack, stands, and leaves.

To be continued…

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Satire

Friend or Foe: A Larger Discussion in What the Presence of Marsupials Means in This Economy

March 4, 2017

Long before the dinosaurs roamed the earth, koalas grazed the great plains of Pangaea. Long before the earth was even formed, wombats lived a majestic existence on planets that we now deem uninhabitable. Long before man discovered that if Kanye got bleach on his T-shirt he might feel like an asshole, opossums roamed the mountains. Marsupials… they’ve been here since the dawn of time. But what does their existence mean now? And what does it mean in this economy? Are they friend? Or are they foe?

It has been said that upon the creation of society, in Mesopotamia, kangaroos played a key role in the establishment of the trade system. Among sweaty, very manly men, these kangaroos fought for a fair trade system, one that benefitted all. (But mostly the sweaty, very manly men.) Along with these kangaroos were, of course, wallabies, macropods, and the dasyurids. Together, they worked.

They worked throughout the rise of capitalism, even during the fall of communist Russia. The marsupials have always seemed to have our best interest at heart. But what does their presence mean under the current, tenuous presidential administration? Science says, “Bad things. Very bad things.” And I, for one, believe it.

But why doubt them now? It is quite simple, in fact. They straight up look funky.

And not funky like gonna-boogy-all-night, but funky like no-living-animal’s-body-should-be-able-to-take-that-shape.

Forreal, you ever look a kangaroo straight in the face? Well, I have. And let me tell you, ma’am, there is something too human, too knowing, in those eyes.

And their legs? Boi, don’t even get me started. They’re too powerful.

The amount of strength they hold is unnatural and frankly a little disgusting.

Is it wrong of me to dismiss the phalangeriformes, the diprotodontias, and the dasyuromorphias because kangaroos are nasty creatures that should have never been created? Perhaps. But I want you to watch two kangaroos fight and tell me, like forreal tell me, that that shit ain’t wack.

I want you to look me in the eyes for at least thirty awkward seconds and tell me that that image doesn’t unsettle you.

And when you can do that, I will be willing to reopen discourse on the role of marsupials in today’s economy.

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