I like to think I’m good at reading people. Whether this is true or not, there are certain things that I just know. I can scan a classroom upon walking in, glance at the tables, and immediately get a sense of every person in the room based off of nothing but their water bottle. Doubtful? Just keep reading and tell me I’m wrong.
- S’well: You like pretty things. You drink water because it’s healthy, not because you’re thirsty. In fact, you have never felt thirst in your life. You don’t even sweat during yoga. Your body is not capable of such things.
- Store-bought Water: You don’t give a fuck about the environment, or anyone who will judge you for it. This probably means that you also don’t care about the harbor seals and baby sea turtles. The term “carbon footprint” means absolutely nothing at all to you, and you also like to leave your bedroom window open when your air conditioner is on. Ugh, you terrible human being.
- Store-bought Water-Bottle, Reused: You are exceptionally good at losing water bottles. And your keys. Maybe also your phone charger? You don’t particularly care about the BPA that (supposedly) bleeds into your water when you reuse these bottles. A list of other things you don’t particularly care about: using sunscreen, putting on your seat belt, changing the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector.
- Mason Jar: You are perfectly willing to sacrifice practicality in order to look every bit the hip trendy little thing you are. Your idea of splurging on yourself is buying an overpriced bottle of kombucha at Whole Foods. Your flannel has a couple of cigarette burns from that night that you went to go see your friend’s band play at that weird indie bar. You know, the one that only has cocktails named after obscure celebrities but refuses to give you a Corona. Fuck that bar.
- Brown Logo CamelBak: Your parents were super excited your freshman year and bought you tons of overpriced Brown gear on your first move in day. You have a Brown hoodie at the back of your closet that you’ve only worn once and that you constantly wish you could just cash in at the bookstore.
- Blue Athlete Bottle: You can do more than twenty squats without pause and I am jealous, but I will pretend that I am not. You often use words like “stamina” and “circuits” and “burpees” in everyday conversation, much to everyone’s annoyance. You will probably also outlive us all by several years.
- None: You are a camel.