Archives

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, On "The Hill", Satire

What Personality Flaw Does Your Waterbottle Reveal About You?

March 8, 2017

I like to think I’m good at reading people. Whether this is true or not, there are certain things that I just know. I can scan a classroom upon walking in, glance at the tables, and immediately get a sense of every person in the room based off of nothing but their water bottle. Doubtful? Just keep reading and tell me I’m wrong.

 

  • S’well: You like pretty things. You drink water because it’s healthy, not because you’re thirsty. In fact, you have never felt thirst in your life. You don’t even sweat during yoga. Your body is not capable of such things.

  • Store-bought Water: You don’t give a fuck about the environment, or anyone who will judge you for it. This probably means that you also don’t care about the harbor seals and baby sea turtles. The term “carbon footprint” means absolutely nothing at all to you, and you also like to leave your bedroom window open when your air conditioner is on. Ugh, you terrible human being.

  • Store-bought Water-Bottle, Reused: You are exceptionally good at losing water bottles. And your keys. Maybe also your phone charger? You don’t particularly care about the BPA that (supposedly) bleeds into your water when you reuse these bottles. A list of other things you don’t particularly care about: using sunscreen, putting on your seat belt, changing the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector.

  • Mason Jar: You are perfectly willing to sacrifice practicality in order to look every bit the hip trendy little thing you are. Your idea of splurging on yourself is buying an overpriced bottle of kombucha at Whole Foods. Your flannel has a couple of cigarette burns from that night that you went to go see your friend’s band play at that weird indie bar. You know, the one that only has cocktails named after obscure celebrities but refuses to give you a Corona. Fuck that bar.

  • Brown Logo CamelBak: Your parents were super excited your freshman year and bought you tons of overpriced Brown gear on your first move in day. You have a Brown hoodie at the back of your closet that you’ve only worn once and that you constantly wish you could just cash in at the bookstore.

  • Blue Athlete Bottle: You can do more than twenty squats without pause and I am jealous, but I will pretend that I am not. You often use words like “stamina” and “circuits” and “burpees” in everyday conversation, much to everyone’s annoyance. You will probably also outlive us all by several years.

  • None: You are a camel.

Images via, via, via, via, via, via, and via.

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles

Me v. Wild

February 15, 2017

Before I spent a semester abroad in London, I vaguely knew how to take care of myself. Had I been dropped out of an airplane and into foreign territory, I would have survived for perhaps a day or just until my cereal bars ran out.

Shockingly, my brief stay in the UK gifted me with a set of sharpened survival instincts. The polished and cosmopolitan city of London seriously whipped me into shape to prepare myself for the direst of situations.

 

1) The Water Conditions.

The first time I walked into my bathroom, I noticed a prominent sign: “Water from sink is NOT suitable for consumption.” Okay, I thought. I’ll just drink from my kitchen sink. Unfortunately, no one had warned me about the taste of British tap water. It’s basically the equivalent of garbage water.

“You’ve got to buy your water from the market,” my flatmate explained to me. After going through a two-gallon container in roughly two days, I decided that this was an unsustainable lifestyle and that I was better than that. After a painful week of exposure therapy, my body acclimated to the vile flavor, and I have not bought bottled water since.

Moral of the story: You can drink anything, as long as it doesn’t kill you.

 

2) The Potato Diet.

Like any other city, being in London meant spending money on everything, no matter what I did. My budget included responsibilities like buying groceries, sending obligatory postcards, paying for public transport (London is not a walking city) and a portion for personal indulgence.

I shared groceries with another girl, and we were pretty good cooks. During our first few days we marinated chicken and julienned zucchinis…but alas, this did not last long. As the “personal indulgence” portion of our budgets grew bigger and bigger, we realized that we were going to have to make some changes. After some trial and error, we realized that the cheapest but still substantial food at the market was potatoes.

From that day forward, it was sautéed potatoes, baked potatoes, oven-roasted potatoes for all of our meals.

Moral of the story: If it’s only for 3 months, you can survive off of anything.

 

3) The Lost Wallet.

Arguably the worst moment of my time in London was the time I accidentally left my entire bag (with wallet & keys) on a bus late at night. After a day of despairing, cancelling my card, and filing multiple reports for my missing items with the Transport of London, I decided that I needed to try harder.

I was going to get this wallet back myself.

I got an insider tip from a man at the register of a bodega that all buses end up in a bus garage. This might sound obvious, but it hadn’t occurred to me earlier in my delirious state. There was, however, a catch: different numbered buses were run by different companies (even though they all look like the same bus) and some companies are much less competent than others.

The company that owned the bus I had taken not only owned a website that looked like it hadn’t been redesigned since the 80’s, but had no phone number to call. After some intense web searching, I figured out that my bag may or may not be at the Peckham Bus Garage. It was only about a mile away, so I walked there, praying that it would be open on a Sunday at 8:00 AM.

I was devastated when I found out that it was definitely not open. By a stroke of luck, however, I ran into a kind construction worker who told me that there were actually two Peckham Bus Garages, and that the one on Google Maps was the wrong one.

Moral of the story: The Internet and kind strangers are all you need to solve any impossible task.

 

London, thanks for the tough love. I’ll be back for you soon!

Image via.

Life & Other Drugs

Bee Wars

April 28, 2016

This past weekend, our room had an intruder that tried to break in on not just one but two separate occasions.

On Sunday, this demon made its presence known by a tell-tale buzzing sound. The kind of high-pitched nasally hum that feels like something invaded your ear canal and started banging around on the walls.

Ugh. So inconsiderate. Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

The Condemning Concentration

April 22, 2016

Earlier this week, I received an email that may or may not determine the rest of my path through life.

“Congratulations, your concentration has been approved. Please contact your concentration advisor if you have any questions.”

And there’s my name in bolded letters. Followed by the words “A.B.” and “English.”

Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, The Tabloids

Milla Bizzotto, Making Millennials Everywhere Feel Terrible About Themselves

April 9, 2016

Milla Star Bizzotto is a superhuman child who, at 9 years old, is fitter than I have ever been in my 20 years of life (and will ever be). This afternoon, two of my friends – a swimmer and a squash player, no less – lay on the rug and cried as they watched a video of this nine-year-old girl whose athletic capabilities outshine anything they’ve ever seen.

Milla has apparently just completed a 24-hour racecourse designed by Navy SEALs.

Yup, Navy SEALs. As in 6-foot bulked-up men who train for years and can navigate life-threatening situations without blinking an eye.

In case that doesn’t impress you, let me outline what exactly this racecourse entails: running 36 miles, swimming an 8 kilometer course, and 25 obstacles – all of these 6 times. Over the course of 24 hours.

Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Cry Me a River

March 24, 2016

Last week was a pretty rough time for me. I won’t pour all of my miseries out on this article, but for the first few days of that week, I cried roughly seven times a day. I cried to friends, I cried to myself, I cried to acquaintances that I’m sure had no desire at all to witness what they did.

On the bright side, however, I had the pleasure of experiencing some good (and yeah, some bad) cry seshes in a extraordinarily diverse range of places on campus. After all, tears, being the wildly inconsiderate creatures they are, come whenever and wherever they feel like it.

I present to you a small sampling of the holy grounds on which I have shed my tears:

Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

What’s in the Mini-Fridge?

March 10, 2016

I rarely refrigerate anything in my room. Mostly, it’s because I tend to forget about things I’ve put in there until it’s too late. I like to spare the tragedies by just avoiding its use altogether, but sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. I decided to brave a peek at the fridge my roommate and I share to report back our meager supplies.

Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Professors Fit for the Runway

March 3, 2016

by Yuri Iwahara

cb33a1ed_thumb.xxxlarge.jpg

This semester, I have been *blessed* with having some professors with impeccable fashion style. I won’t name any names, but I know that when I walk through those classroom doors on Monday/Wednesdays/Fridays (but also the other classroom doors on Tuesdays/Thursdays), I’m guaranteed to be in the presence of one well-dressed human being. So in other words, every single day.

Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, Listicles, Satire

Beyond BYOB

February 26, 2016

 

“Where do you want to go out for dinner?”
“Can we do BYOB?”

BYOB has been hot and trendy for as long as the legal drinking age and cheapskates who want to have a bottle of wine (or two) with their dinner have existed.

But why stop at BYOB? If this concept works so well to improve our dining experiences, why don’t we just bring a few other things as well? Continue Reading…

Life & Other Drugs, On "The Hill"

Yoga: tranquility or capitalism? You decide!

February 17, 2016

Last semester, I made a decision to get my life together. Maybe it was the sophomore slump, maybe it was the I-just-turned-20 crisis.

Part of my plan included getting involved in yoga. I started going to weekly Hillel classes, and true to the implied promise, it was both calming and made my limbs ache (in an enjoyable way that made me feel like I’d actually done something physical) the day after.

Naturally, I dearly missed my weekly ritual during winter break. I could pay 40 dollars for an hour and a half long session at my local yoga studio. Or I could download a free app and do yoga in my room. Which is exactly what I did, because fuck capitalism.

Continue Reading…